Meghan McCain would make an excellent 13-year-old. As a columnist, she is a thought-murdering demon of stupefaction. Today, she haz a sad about Barack Obama.

There is much glee on the ethereal plane high above the Bethesda clouds from which New York Times columnist Tom Friedman writes his column today. We're treated to his latest venture into despondent centrist wet-dream fanfic, in which the Mustache of Understanding imagines a world where political parties don't have bases, but still manage to dig deep, treat each other politely, and deal with false problems in bad ways through their own sheer purity of will.

Former New York Times restaurant critic and overall NYT star Frank Bruni was named an Op-Ed columnists last May, just after Frank Rich's departure. We had high hopes! We were promised that Bruni's column would be "a sharp, opinionated look at a big event of the last week, from a different or unexpected angle, or a small event that was really important but everyone seems to have missed, or something entirely different." How's that going?

It hasn't been even 24 hours since we published our most recent plea to the media to please, pretty please, stop writing trend stories about Brooklyn. And already, spittle-flecked tabloid sex lunatic Andrea Peyser is defying us. That's mean.

Remember when Bill Keller was the strong, silent type? The respected, technocratic editor of America's best newspaper? It seems like such a short time ago. It was!

Like an intemperate child placed in "time out," tabloid sex perv and professional journalist Andrea Peyser has resorted to "acting out" in order to grab our attention, now that we've stopped covering her every last cock-imbued utterance in order to write about topics more useful to society, like brawls in fast food restaurants.

Bill Keller, the T. Herman Zweibel of New York Times columnists, is back with another edition of "Former NYT Editor Bill Keller Reveals Himself to Be Little Better Than The Average Topeka Capital-Journal Weekly Lifestyle Columnist, in a Spectacle That's Embarrassing for Everyone Involved." Today: Bill Keller uses his enviable national media platform to shit on his own employees' books.

Conservative columnist David Brooks, the New York Times' chief over-the-counter muscle relaxant and civility enforcer, is finally getting upset with his political party as it prepares to plunge the nation into debt default for no real reason. Are you sure you want to do this, David? It's only a "D" credit rating that's looming on the horizon, after all.

Though New York Post sex columnist Andrea Peyser's primary fixation has always been kitties, she's long been a connoisseur of weiner, as well. Needless to say, she's quite broken up over the end of this Anthony Weiner story. Behold:

The New York Times has appointed former restaurant critic Frank Bruni as its new Sunday (and Thursday) op-ed columnist. It sounds like he'll be taking over the big picture spot on the Sunday page that Frank Rich is vacating:

81-year-old Yorkie-crazed gossip columnist Cindy Adams is so bewildered by technology, she devoted a column to perplexing contraptions like cellphones, doorbells, and windows.

The only reason most people bother purchasing Internet service is to read actor Chuck Norris' insane right wing political columns, which are syndicated on an array of terrible liar websites like World Net Daily and Townhall.com. But now you can just print out what's already been written and cancel that service, because he's probably already published everything that would appear in future columns.

Bill Keller, the editor of America's greatest newspaper, continues to systematically dismantle his professional reputation by writing an unnecessary, vainglorious, and ill-advised column in the New York Times Magazine, in which he demonstrates, week by depressing week, that he's not as great as you would have imagined. This week, he comes right out and calls for more government secrecy and less journalism. "For those charged with keeping secrets, WikiLeaks is a wake-up call," he writes. "So what should the government do to make the leaker's task - and my job as a nosy journalist - harder?

Earlier this month, former Senator Chris Dodd became the new CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America, making him, in essence, Hollywood's chief lobbyist. This was notable, since Dodd—a onetime favorite of populists—had repeatedly promised not to become a lobbyist when he left the Senate. Glenn Greenwald reflected on the depressing statement that Dodd's hypocrisy made about the entire American political system:

Bill Keller, the editor of the world's most influential newspaper, may be losing his mind. He made the poor choice to start writing his own column, which promptly went to hell in its second week. He wrote a whiny, trite, un-self-aware media column, ensuring that most people wouldn't care, and those who cared would find his work embarrassing.

When we learned that New York Times editor Bill Keller was getting his very own column in the New York Times Magazine, our keen media instinct—honed by years of reading the Twitter and writing juvenile jokes on the internet while never doing any "real reporting"—told us that sooner or later, this column would become an institutional embarrassment. Spoiler: sooner!

Columnist David Broder, who held top reporting positions and then an opinion slot at the Washington Post for so long that he'd been called "dean of the Washington press corps" for 50 years, died at 81 today of complications from diabetes.

Huh. New York Times op-ed expounder Frank Rich, who currently possesses a huge chunk of the Sunday opinion page in the world's most influential newspaper—where he's allowed to say whatever he wants—is leaving all that behind to go write for New York magazine, where he "will be an essayist for the magazine, writing monthly on politics and culture, and will serve as an editor-at-large, editing a special monthly section anchored by his essay." Rich's own explanation:

Cal Thomas is a syndicated columnist whose default philosophy is a mix of "Cranky old white male extreme conservative" and "a little too religious for comfort." He also has a disturbing face!

Where does one go after a career spent writing jokes for Jay Leno? One goes to Omaha. To write a humor column in the Omaha World-Herald. A column called "Breaking Brad." Ladies and gentlemen: meet Brad Dickson.