New York Post hot teen lesbian sex fetish correspondent Andrea Peyser is writing about bitches and sluts today. Yes, it is a Thursday. "Step away from the TV, bitches. It isn't safe." Those are actually in fact the first two sentences of Andrea's column today. But wait for the positive message!

Great news from the official top paper of historical world record, import, & fame, &c., the New York Times: former executive editor Bill Keller won't use "illegals" to refer to illegal immigrants in his profound-ish columns! What's the big deal? Perhaps that he was using it left and right in his column the other day and everyone got mad at him for this? Indeed, it is so.

In the past, we have used this space to mock new New York Times columnist Frank Bruni for starting out poorly, then getting progressively, unbelievably worse. He seems to lack any convictions at all, let alone interesting ones; though he's only been on the job for half a year, he's already been reduced to padding his column with excruciatingly boring stories from his own life, due to his apparent dearth of worthwhile ideas about important issues.

Halfwit tabloid sex perv Andrea Peyser has a major Republican sex fetish. Yes, fine, that's a matter of record. But Andrea is, first and foremost, a professional sexxx journalist, and she takes that duty quite seriously. So it's alarming to learn that—in Andrea's unbiased opinion—Sharon Bialek (pictured), who yesterday accused Herman Cain of sexual assault, is a gold-digging slutty slutwhore bad mom welfare queen (and ugly).

Frank Bruni is nice clean-cut fella and a talented writer who was a good restaurant critic but good lord in heaven is he a dispensable columnist. It's as if moving onto the opinion pages has magically rendered this once-capable journalist into a trite hack!

New York Post sexologistolumnist Andrea Peyser is not one to judge others. Except uppity minorities. And whores. I mean, she practically has to judge whores. Can't just have whores walking around, unjudged. Andrea Peyser's mouth is spilling over with whores.

Perverted pervert media sex perv lady Andrea Peyser spends most days scouring the city's least literate newspapers for examples of hot young kids using their sexxxy, bad bodies in sexual ways (for sex). Andrea Peyser will never stop vocally condemning... hey, what are those kids doing?

Sexually obsessed tabloid persona Andrea Peyser customarily writes her column by feeding her cat large quantities of GHB-laced Fancy Feast, and then allowing it to wander over her keyboard. Still, today's is even more laughable than usual. Who would have thought that a racist white lady would lionize a black Republican? Oh, everybody!

The title of bumbling self-parody Tom Friedman's column today is "There's Something Happening Here," which is a little misleading. Yes, there is something happening; of that, Tom Friedman is certain. But if you came looking for what is happening, you'll be disappointed.

The readers of the Wall Street Journal don't have time to go out into the dirty corners of the world to find out what the rabble is thinking. That's why they buy the Wall Street Journal—to keep abreast of the various maneuverings and machinations of the rabble, as described by columnists who are, frankly, also too well-off to go out into the dirty corners of the world to find out what the rabble is thinking.

Half a year has passed since we pointed out the obvious: the New York Times has a columnist problem. (The columnists are bad, is the problem). The paper's made major editorial changes in the intervening six months. So has the columnist problem been solved? Not a bit.

Untalented but successful writer Thomas Friedman has been doing a lot of thinking lately. "I like golf," he thinks to himself, while sitting in his palatial mansion. Then he realizes his next column is due in an hour. "Manservant!" he cries. "Bring me a metaphor! Any metaphor!"

Those patriotic Internet-Americans who honor the anniversary of 9/11 by surfing political blogs all day for something to get offended about seized on a pointed blog post from New York Times columnist Paul Krugman yesterday, and show no sign of letting up. Paul Krugman is now the most worst person in the history of America, for pointing out that certain politicians made some bad decisions after 9/11.

Hate-mad tabloid sex perv Andrea Peyser is sad. What has become of the awesome sense of cowed obedience that American minorities displayed in the wake of 9/11? It's gone and disappeared, and they're all uppity again. Is this America, still?

Frank Bruni is the new Bill Keller is the new Thomas Friedman! Which is to say, the latest New York Times columnist who can be reliably depended upon to use his priceless media real estate to write utterly vacuous and worn-out tripe about this CRRRAAAZZZYYY modern technology we have in our modern world, these days.

Former good NYT restaurant critic Frank Bruni has morphed into current bad NYT columnist Frank Bruni. Perhaps he just wasn't writing what he knows. Today, Frank's column ventures back into the topic of food! The result: disaster.

If you, too, specifically seek to read pieces of writing that you know will be depressing if not dangerous, then there's nothing better than a Thomas Friedman column's opening paragraph that runs with either a misleading anecdote or confusing extended metaphor. Today's the latter! Let's take a gander at this sumbitch. It is about golf.

The unsatisfying resolution of the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case raises tough questions of race, sex, power, and law. Indeed, this one murky encounter and its muddled aftermath could be used as a prism through which to dissect the very nature of morals in our sometimes unsettling globalized world. Or, you could just say: fuck everybody involved.

You may have thought that soothsaying mustachioed one-trick pony Tom Friedman had done his best work of the summer last week, when he achieved near-total conceptual pointlessness. Not so! Yesterday's column was an altogether masterful demonstration of Friedmania.

Stamp collector Willem van der Bijl, who disappeared in North Korea only to re-appear with a praiseful op-ed in the state-run Pyongyang Times, has returned home. Turns out he'd been arrested! So, take his column with a grain of salt.