Cindy Adams' New York Post columns appear to be produced by a random word-generator machine. Her visage appears to be produced by Botox and shellac. So it is unsurprising to find that she is a Helsmley-level ratdog nut.

Rebecca Mead infiltrated Cindy's aboveground lair in a Park Ave. penthouse and recorded these ramblings about the gossipeuse's Yorkies before being chased out by Cindy's bloodthirsty wolf-celeb hybrid bodyguards:

Mark Penn, the strategist who dashed Hillary Clinton's presidential hopes, is the Wall Street Journal's "Microtrend"-spotting columnist. He's also CEO of PR giant Burson-Marsteller. Only a scumbag would abuse the former to drum up business for the latter.

Oh, good. Times op-ed mean girl Maureen Dowd wrote a column about people writing mean things on the internet. And she quotes Leon Wieseltier!

Paul Krugman says Reagan sucks blah blah...oh, look, a correction! "In my column last Monday, I made a joke about the Swiss that fell flat with some readers. Also, the Swiss don't wear lederhosen." So shrill! [NYT]

In your sweaty Wednesday media column: Bruce Wasserstein winning a dubious race, sports columnists are being eaten by Twitter, a Hunter S. Thompson story, and more!

New York Post sex machine columnist Andrea "Sexy Sexual Sexiness Sex" Peyser has a column today headlined "'Sex' Is Lousy." LOL! At night we dream she's speaking directly to us. But is she right, or just insufficiently horny? You decide!

It only took New York Times official reasonable conservative columnist Ross Douthat three months to turn in his first completely dishonest paint-by-numbers Republican hack op-ed. Did you know that red states rule, and blue states drool?

Today, noted Twitterer Peggy Noonan is writing fanfic about the ghosts of FDR and Nixon, who are coming back to Earth to advise their modern political parties. It is insane.

Maureen Dowd has discovered that Sarah Palin actually embodies most of the misogynist stereotypes that Maureen Dowd has traditionally attributed to Hillary Clinton.

Thomas Friedman is proud of our fighting boys. The fact that our all-volunteer military is involved in two open-ended occupations is bad, but the bright side is, we have finally found a class of kids dumb enough to fight forever.

Thomas Friedman, the New York Times columnist, is famous for his joke, that he had, once. But did you know that he has told many jokes, in the past?

He is talking about how Senators are lonely, and desperate for love, or something.

Peggy Noonan is not sad to see Sarah Palin go. In fact, the Reagan speechwriter and well-respected prose stylist and American public intellectual would like Ms. Palin to continue to go even further, away from politics.

In your commendable Thursday media column: Nick Kristof is the perfect columnist except for his writing, the NYT acknowledges its photo scandal, USA Today teaches us how to write a story that adds up to zero, and Lenny Dykstra's bankrupt.

With all of this tabloid love for Michael Jackson today, which brave soul shall stand up and proudly fly the "Sicko!" banner of dissent? Hark! Andrea Peyser still exists.

Ross Douthat, the New York Times op-ed conservative who does a better job of pretending to be reasonable than Bill Kristol did, is kind of sad about this Palin thing. Because it means the death of the American Dream.

Staggeringly terrible Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen went to high school with the Madoffs! Who will be the hero to go back in time and blow this high school up? He was in love with Ruth!

If there are two things that define angry sex fiend Post columnist Andrea Peyser, those things are being angry (at people, and things) and liking sexy people (free or not). Today she gets to do both, in one paragraph!

Million-year-old gossipeuse Cindy Adams got the funniest email from her good friend Edward Elson! So she just reprinted it, in her New York Post "gossip" "column," because we can't all be Andrea Peyser, right? See, a guy goes to his doctor...

Globe-flattening mustache habitrail Thomas Friedman, who's never met a hype-spouting CEO he wasn't incredibly impressed by, is no friend of the working man, this we know. But he's currently ruining labor talks at the Boston Globe, just by being his annoying self.