As Christmas approaches and hearts across the world are warmed by good cheer, New York Post grave-pisser Andrea Peyser would like to take the time to piss on a murdered man's grave. She's a contrarian, what can she do?

Washington Post columnist Anne Applebaum is A) married to a high-ranking Polish politician, and B) critical of Russia's shady government, which makes it—in the most general way—kind of alarming that her car blew up yesterday. [Update: She's okay!]

Maureen Dowd, this weekend: Obama should try to be "dynamic" like Sarah Palin, instead of all this "dithering" and bowing. Today, Ross Douthat writes a "reality-based" column on more or less the same topic!

Whether you think tabloid sex columnist Andrea Peyser is sexxxy or supersexxxy, you must marvel at her hat trick in today's column: Perpetrating the most pedestrian racist stereotypes against black people and Jews, and coming out as a lesbian.

If you're a sexxxy lady, reactionary New York Post sex columnist Andrea Peyser will rhapsodize about your long, smooth legs. But if you're an ugly, fat, liberal lady (by Peyser standards), Andrea Peyser wishes you death. Lonely, ugly, fat death.

Maureen Dowd's column today is a list of ways that she is just Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama's decision to think really hard about what to do in Afghanistan has been praised by most people who aren't Dick Cheney. Peggy Noonan tackles it in today's column, and by "it" we mean JFK and 50-year-old TV shows.

Bloomberg, the new owner of Businessweek, is dumping Maria "Contractually Obligated to be called 'Money Honey'" Bartiromo from her gig as a BW columnist, Business Insider reports. That's not the worst decision in the world.

Sexxxy New York Post sex columnist and chief purveyor of thinly-veiled sexy bisexual fantasies Andrea Peyser knows this "Sex addict rehab" thing is for quitters. Take your sex rehab and shove it up the hole of your choice, sexy celebs!

What do you do when you write a million columns unsubtly disparaging a man as feminine, and then it turns out that he talks sports and golfs exclusively with men? If you're Maureen Dowd, you just crank out another column.

Lucinda Rosenfeld, advice columnist for Slate's woman-focused DoubleX, has accomplished something we haven't, yet: She's pissed off her readers so much they started a petition demanding she be fired. Lucinda's crime: Rape. Oh no, wait. Just unpopular advice.

On the occasion of this wonderful op-ed on how Barack Obama's Nobel Peace Prize is a violation of our nation's founding document, let us examine the recent crimes of the Washington Post opinion section.

Today, Pulitzer-winning New York Times political columnist Maureen Dowd answers the question, "what would you hear if Dick Cheney put you on hold?" The answer may surprise you!

PR-man-masquerading-as-newspaper-columnist Mark Penn invented the term "Soccer Mom," which, of course, is the queen of all Microtrends. But now he's declaring the whole Soccer Mom thing dunzo! What catchphrase will you hang your hat on now, Señor Penn?

William Safire's death has made Peggy Noonan concerned that mean words from annoying MSNBC Ed Schultz will make a crazy person shoot the president.

Newsmax, wrote today that a military coup might just be the best way to "resolve" America's "Obama problem." Weirdly, they've pulled the column.

His nickname was literally "The Hammer." He was a thuggish, corrupt former exterminator who ran the House of Representatives like it was an organized crime family.. He loved wars and tax cutting and gerrymandering and fucking over opponents. He is Maureen Dowd's dream man.

Michael Kinsley—a smart columnist who's maybe not the world's best manager—has been hired by The Atlantic as "editor-in-chief of a new digital media property" that's launching next year. He'll also write a column. Good for us, regardless. [Politico]

Lo! Like a slow, squawking bird sent down from heaven to a desultory duck hunting expedition, Microtrend-inventing flack Mark Penn is back with another WSJ column. His first since we learned how dirty he is!

Flat-earther Times columnist Thomas Friedman thinks we should probably "outsource" our form of government to China, where they have streamlined the whole process by eliminating the bit where idiots "vote."