Woozy 80s icon Peggy Noonan is, despite all rational reasoning, a professional political expert, paid real American money to deliver her thoughts on the public affairs issues of the day. Is Peggy Noonan a psychic psychologist super-detective? Maybe...

"I've never been a fan of global conferences to solve problems," writes floating mustache Thomas Friedman in his newspaper column today. Really?

Bret Stephens, the deputy editorial page editor for the Wall Street Journal and recipient of the 2013 Pulitzer Prize for Commentary, is a fundamentally bad person, as he explains in his newspaper column today.

Reagan-era medicine cabinet and native-born American citizen Peggy Noonan has long had the gift of being able to interpret foreign cultures using nothing more than her pure heart and an overflowing mug of gin. Today, she turns her eye to the Far East.

Today in the opinion section of the world's most influential newspaper, Frank Bruni writes about his family's Thanksgiving food, and Thomas Friedman writes about "news drumsticks to chew on," including the fact that Stevie Wonder recently won an award. Please try harder.

Richard Cohen is a dotty old racist newspaper columnist with the Washington Post and one of the worst professional opinion writers in America. More importantly: he's a man. A real man.

Today's date is November 21, 2014. Illustrating Peggy Noonan's newspaper column today is a photo of Ronald Reagan's funeral. Ronald.. sweet Ronald... Peggy hath not forgotten you.

Well-moisturized Republican David Brooks fancies himself a bit of a social scientist. Not really in the sense of like, doing science. More in the sense of "knowing some guys."

"We've just had a nonsense midterm election," basic bitch Thomas Friedman writes today. "Never has more money been spent to think so little about a future so in flux. What would we have discussed if we'd had a serious election?" Well? What???

Andrea Peyser, a troll who lives under a bridge and also an anger columnist at the New York Post, is very angry about the fact that the NYPD choked Eric Garner to death, then let his mom out of a traffic ticket. She's mad about the ticket part.

Peggy Noonan was friends with Oscar de la Renta. Were you? Pity. A fine man. A fine, gentle, and wise man. A Reagan, of the world of drapery. Why can't you, the childish majority, be like him?

Hyperconnected pontificator Thomas Friedman's column this weekend was one long extended metaphor purporting to explain the threatening nature of the Islamic State. Like The Da Vinci Code, his theory has a hidden, stupid secret.

Breathy Reaganite Peggy Noonan is more than a doddering captive of her own apartment, peeking around corners for imaginary spirits that haunt her. She is also an expert on infectious disease screening processes. And a land, that we call, America.

Chin-stroking idea muppet Thomas Friedman has written and published a nationally-distributed newspaper column again today. Has he told you his door handle story? I think you will find it very instructive.

I bet thinking up two new column topics every single week is pretty hard, after a while.

Good writer and smart man Richard Cohen is taking Obama to task for forgetting one important lesson that smart people like Richard Cohen know: the United States of America must be at war with lots of countries at all times.

Mustachioed CEO-whisperer Thomas Friedman is a bit of a savant when it comes to the Middle East. So yes, now that you ask, he does have some thoughts about ISIS. Some... kind... of thoughts.

Lost child Thomas Friedman enjoys few things more than penning a good ol' paean to a hyperconnected corporation. Yet Thomas Friedman also has a reputation to maintain— as a person that dumb people think is a smart foreign policy thinker. What happens when these two things clash?

"Sarah Palin is right," begins today's column by Ruth Marcus, who is one of the most under-criticized bad newspaper columnists in the United States of America.

Peggy Noonan. An American. A normal American, breathing, watching, reading. Wandering, around her country. A watchful sentinel, proud and drunk. Must she feel shame, for being afraid of the young foreigners, infiltrating? Nay.