Have your fraternity brothers been acting a bit...odd lately? Have you noticed something a little...strange about your sorority sisters? We don't want to alarm, but we have to be honest: your bros may be involved in Jesus.
The story of a Northwestern University professor's Hot Live Fucksaw demonstration for ten dozen rapt college students has captivated the nation and, indeed, the world. After Northwestern prez Morton Schapiro vowed to keep investigating until he got all the way to the bottom of this fucksaw business, it was time for those directly involved in the handling and care of the fucksaw in question to speak out on what really happened in there. From the owner of the fucksaw:
Northwestern University: so awesome, it's too awesome for the President of Northwestern University. The crusty ol' prez is "launching an investigation" into the recent hot sexxxy in-class fucksaw demonstration for a Northwestern psychology class. What's the matter, Morton Schapiro— didn't get enough hot live fucksaw action the first time around?
When you're a kid, spreading the details of the misdeeds of others far and wide gets you branded a snitch and ruins your social life. But when you grow up, doing the same thing gets you branded a "journalist," and gets you invited to boring parties! So you can see the dilemma faced by the "college journalist:" old enough to be a reporter, young enough to still be hated by everyone, for snitching.
Northwestern University simply cannot stop being awesome. From getting drunk and hollering about blowjobs to throwing blackface Halloween parties to producing a little rapper by the name of Chet Haze, Northwestern University never does anything less than the most awesome thing to do in any given situation. That's why regular schools have "Human Sexuality" classes, but Northwestern University has HOT LIVE FUCKSAW demonstrations:
Under pressure from campus LGBT groups, the New Brunswick campus of New Jersey's largest university has decided to make three of their dorms gender-neutral housing. Meaning, yes, boys and girls can live together in dry hump heaven.
The University of California San Diego was the scene of America's goofiest college race war last year. It started with a "KKK-style hood" placed atop a statue of Dr. Seuss, then progressed to a funny ha-ha white frat boy "Compton Cookout," which was followed by the typical earnest college-style protests and tortured soul-searching rhetoric. Oh we forgot about the noose in the library! That happened, too.
Downtrodden young white men of America rejoice! No longer will you have to suffer the injustices that come with being a caucasian male of college age in this country, because you've got a new non-profit in your corner: The Former Majority Association for Equality is offering $500 toward your college tuition — if you're a white dude!
Ferdinand Dorsey, a 24 year-old student at Southern University in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, was shot and killed at an apartment building near campus Monday night, after "arguing with other Southern students on campus." His death came just two days after the violent death of another Southern student, Sheena Barnett, whose body was found beaten and burned inside her home Saturday. "Why don't you start calling us now and tell us exactly what's going on in these communities?" asked the mayor of Baton Rouge, rhetorically, and oddly.
Does anyone have a solution for America's "Arizona problem"? The once-peaceful cactus colony is now an embarrassment to a nation that has many, but nothing quite like this. It really should've been obvious for years: When you move billions of elderly white people to an area with a large minority population and then take away everyone's money and houses in an overnight market collapse, everyone gets all worked up, and they all have guns, and the legislature responds by crapping out strange, violent pieces of legislation that should only appeal to dogs but get a decent reception among delirious broke people, too. And then someone shoots a member of Congress, which may or may not have anything to do with anything.
What with the alarming recent pseudotrend of racism permeating college campuses, we'd be remiss if we didn't bring you up to speed on this late-breaking story from Friday: Mark Wattier (pictured, atop horse), a political science professor at Murray State University, has decided to retire after being suspended by the school for allegedly making a racial remark to two black students who, he said, showed up late for class. The student says:
When Auburn University beat Alabama in the Iron Bowl last year, something in Harvey Almorn Updyke Jr. snapped. Updyke is an Alabama fan — bitter rivals of Auburn — so the loss was especially tough. In an act of revenge, he phoned into an Auburn radio station to say that he'd sprayed a tree-killing herbicide called Spike 80DF around the school's famed 130-year-old oak trees at Toomer's Corner — where Auburn fans celebrate after wins, do keg stands and puke and make choices that they regret the next day. Updyke ended his call to the radio station with "Roll Damn Tide." Now the trees are dying and there's bascially nothing that anyone can do to save them.
Breaking newsworthy news story: a college, in America, will not charge as much this year as it did last year. That's right: Sewanee, the University of the South, in Tennessee, will cost 10% less this year than the $46,000 it cost last year. This moderate price cut at an otherwise unremarkable regional college earned stories in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and the Washington Post.
Kids these days! Getting smashed is no longer the "cool" thing to do among American collegians—college binge drinking rates (at Purdue, admittedly) have fallen from 48% to 37% in only three years! What are our young people doing rather than downing Colt 45 at racist fraternity sex parties? According to the Wall Street Journal—known as the beating pulse of life on campus—they're doing the following:
Since the days of the Founding Fathers, the American promise to its students has been: we'll warehouse you in crappy schools for twelve years, and then send you to the local community college, to get an associate's degree in "business services" or some other synonym for secretarial work and/ or air conditioning repair work.
