Schools these days: what are they even doing? It used to be that the American school system was little more than a warehouse where we shoved our youngest and therefore most criminal citizens until they reached the age of 18, at which time we sent the cockiest of them off to college to be enslaved by debt for the rest of their lives, and sent the rest off to menial jobs, where they'd keep our capitalist system running with their very souls for very little reward, and be tricked into voting Republican, while doing so.

Are you a college student who frequently detects political bias of one sort or another in your professors? Chances are, you're dumb.

At 6 a.m. on Tuesday morning, Kenneth Wright of Stockton, California had his house door busted down by a SWAT team, who dragged him out of his house, held him down and handcuffed him, searched the house, and then took Wright and his three kids to a police station. The interesting thing about this: He had done nothing wrong! The SWAT team was just acting on a search warrant from the Department of Education to find Wright's wife, who'd defaulted on her student loans (See update below). But they're estranged, and she doesn't live there.

Everything college kids these days do is wrong. They think wrong, they fucksaw wrong, and they take everything for granted. Thank god colleges are finally taking that in loco parentis crap seriously.

Steve Jobs may claim that the humanities are important for colleges, but Apple's not hiring philosophers to build iPhones. A new report from Georgetown University confirms much of what we already knew about the financial payoff of college majors: Hard-scientists swim in a Scrooge McDuck-size vault of gold, while literature majors panhandle with multi-syllabic signs. The report further confirms many of the unfortunate stereotypes of poor minorities and female caregivers that progressive Americans would sooner forget.

This weekend, Princeton's class of 2006 celebrates its five-year reunion with a standard-issue bacchanal. This year's theme: "'06 Feet Under." Cute, right? Except when they announce the '06 reunion memorial service, which now looks like it is being introduced with a wacky pun.

Kids these days: they don't know how to do school right. They spend two god damn years working on their college admission essays! Then they take some stupid major that will never get them a job! Then they all take five years to finish their four-year degrees! Then they graduate and they're too lazy to work! Not that there are any jobs for them, anyhow. Still, they're way too optimistic about their chances. I knew we should have punished the parents for their kids being so stupid when we had the chance!

The battle over federally subsidized loans for for-profit colleges is one of the biggest in Washington these days, as the Education Department is finalizing its rules to crack down on this shady industry which some might suggest only exists to take money from poor people. But still, how is one supposed to resist the industry's recruiting ads showing sexy coeds in their pajamas?

Is Harvard getting into the internet porn game? Using some creative Googling, ZDnet's Stephen Chapman found pages of pervy links, keywords and images on official Harvard websites.

A new study—which will doubtlessly be oversimplified and distorted by liberal blogs like us in order to demonize those whose political beliefs we find repulsive—has found that Democratic professors grade like this ("I am a laid-back hippie"), while Republican professors grade like this ("All the black students fail!").

An official from the University of Florida sent out an email to the students at the school's study abroad program in Florence threatening to oust anyone caught partying with Jersey Shore cast members. That sounds a little harsh.

Preston Mitchum just graduated from North Carolina Central University's law school. He had the honor of giving a speech at graduation. Instead of writing his own speech, Preston decided to plagiarize the one above, that he found on YouTube.

College professors hate when their students are distracted by laptops in class so much that it occasionally results in assault charges. Some professors have gone so far as to spy on their students to figure out what they're up to on their computers.

James Franco may be off Twitter, but that's not going to keep other users from painstakingly documenting his every move. A user snapped this picture of Franco graduating from NYU's film school today. Apparently, his cock-and-piss-filled thesis film didn't turn off too many of his teachers.

The members of Yale's chapter of the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity, where both President George H.W. "Poppy" Bush and his son George W. Bush are proud legacies, will be suspended for five years after a little pledge incident involving chants of rape jokes.

Today we got into a discussion about college: Is it worth it? Many commenters started in on how not every job requires a college degree, that it's a waste of time and money in many occasions, etc. But one commenter dissented.

You know who thinks college is a good deal? College presidents! You know who doesn't? Everyone else. Those are the (highly simplified and somewhat misleading) findings of the latest alarming survey about college—America's best new bubble!

Today marked a proud moment in the lives of graduating students and their families at Catholic University. Years of hard work and determination had finally paid off. And then John Boehner rolled in to deliver the commencement speech.

Self-described "math nerd" Hannah Surber, who is female, has earned a master's degree in aeronautical engineering. What? Aeronautical engineering is a "very challenging discipline, particularly for a female student," as a professor at her school astutely points out.

Cleaning up after college kids is lucrative. A profile in The Daily Beast reveals that Kia Grasty, cheerful custodian of Penn frat houses, makes $140,000 by mopping beer from rich kids' floors.