Used to be that community college was only for regular folks. The rich folks sent their kids to regular four-year colleges, unless their kids were major fuck-ups. You know who I'm talking about. But ever since the economy crashed and community colleges became competitive and the traditional middle class of colleges died off, even regular rich kids are showing up in community colleges. And, outrageously, they expect their school not to suck.

In a move that could potentially deprive future generations of racists their token minority friends, the Supreme Court is set to reexamine the legality of affirmative action programs this fall.

Turns out Sam Kashner, the Vanity Fair contributing editor currently embroiled in a literary cheating scandal, has been accused of erotic deceit before. During his one-year tenure as a William & Mary English professor, Kashner wrote an ostensibly non-fiction bodice-ripper about sex with undergrads. The campus responded with outrage: Nobody believed Kashner could have tapped that much ass.

Of the ongoing battle against the stubborn head lice infestation at Indiana's Huntington University, one campus official says, "We feel like we're turning a good corner here."

Last September, York University student Sarah Grunfeld accused her Jewish professor of anti-Semitism after failing to grasp that he was expressing an outrageous opinion to illustrate a point, rather than as a true statement of his beliefs. Sarah, who was roundly mocked for this, believes she is the real victim in this case.

UConn, America's foremost institution of sports riots and male rage, is in uproar after student-run (and student-funded) television network UCTV aired a sketch comedy segment that depicted a crying girl using a blue-light phone while fleeing a possible rapist. As she attempts to escape, the robotic blue-light voices call her a "cock gobbler," a "stinky bitchy," a "blonde bitch," and a "howler monkey bitch" who is "crying rape." The sketch ends with the girl falling to the ground after her attacker strangles her in a dark parking lot.

Seventy-six teenagers had their dreams realized last week when Vassar—a "highly selective, coeducational, independent, residential, liberal arts college founded in 1861," if you didn't know—informed them that they'd been accepted to the class of 2016.

This morning we read how Yale Daily News, "Gutsiest Campus Newspaper of 2011," sat on the story of perfect Yale quarterback Patrick Witt's sex assault scandal for two months. Now, a humorous coda to their silence: We hear that YDN actually considered calling on wealthy alumni to charter a jet for the campus hero, so he wouldn't have to choose between the Yale-Harvard game and his Rhodes Scholarship interview.

Remember Patrick Witt, the Yale quarterback who chose the Yale-Harvard game over a chance at a Rhodes scholarship? As it turns out, it wasn't much of a choice: Witt's Rhodes candidacy had already been withdrawn over allegations of sexual assault.

When it comes to paranoia, certain environments are more fertile than others. Yale University, gothic bastion of secret societies and birthplace of the C.I.A., is among America's most fertile.

Dartblog, a blog dedicated to America's favorite paleo-con farm, has published an alleged draft of an op-ed about to run in the Dartmouth's student paper recounting in exquisite detail the hazing that one frat-inclined student encountered, including being "forced to swim in a kiddie pool full of vomit, urine, fecal matter, semen, and rotten food." Wait, there's more.

The American higher education system is, if you take a long term view, fucked. We're locked in a student loan bubble. Student loan debt levels are at an all time high. Something has to give. Now, in California, there's an alternate plan that (not to alarm you) just might make sense.

At around 3:17 on Wednesday morning, every student in NYU's Department of Social and Cultural Analysis received a bizarre "open letter" to NYU President John Sexton, from a student who claimed she'd been "forced" to do an ethnographic assignment on Occupy Wall Street. It was 2,800 words long, oddly typeset, and quickly followed up by another five equally eccentric emails. Someone sent us the full set of emails, which everyone at NYU—and elsewhere—was talking about. Want to read them?

A Cardozo student spent half a year living on the street because "I wasn't satisfied, my life just felt meaningless because I didn't have really any challenges." Noting that Neaderthals probably didn't experience boredom, he quit paying for his apartment and started sleeping on the street.

Like us, you've probably always assumed that schools with really good football teams are also full of stupid meatheads simply because stupid meatheads like football, and therefore go to those schools. That's not quite right; good football teams actually make students worse. Guy students. Cause guys like the football!

José Angel Santana is suing New York University because he claims he lost his job as a professor of film studies for giving notorious class sleeper James Franco a D. It sounds like Franco deserved it.

Paul Derengowski was an adjunct religion professor at Tarrant County College in Fort Worth, Texas. Now he's resigned, in protest of another protest about his class. This story is completely bananas. Here's a breakdown, from Inside Higher Ed:

Last Thursday, a 27-year-old named Abe Liu was cited by Harvard police for "using a falsified identification card" and warned against trespassing in college dorms. It was apparently the first time he'd encountered the police—but he'd spent the semester posing as a Harvard College freshman, sleeping in friends' dorm rooms and even posing for a fashion feature in The Harvard Crimson, apparently because he "was lonely."

How are our visibly depressed college students faring this year? Poorly. Very poorly.

In my day, when Kurt Cobain was president and we youngsters went to college to get jobs that actually existed, the only questions colleges asked you on their applications were these: "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" And "Are you smart? Describe below." Life was simple then.