Conservative British minister Penny Mordaunt gave a speech in Parliament last year that was ostensibly about the welfare of chickens, but was actually written with the express purpose of saying "cock" as many times as possible.

It's settled, then: The founding fathers were not, in fact, "actively involved" in cockfighting. With roosters.

Meet Maurizio and Roberto Viel. They are twin brothers who co-own a plastic surgery practice and have performed multiple procedures on one another to increase their resemblance. (Maurizio gave Roberto a nose job; Roberto plumped Maurizio's face.) One surgery they have not performed on each other, however, is their practice's specialty: Penis enlargement.

Not to inundate you with news about Sinead O'Connor's crazy Vegas wedding last night, but she put up a new post about it on her website just now, and we had to share it's wonderfully oversharingness in its entirety.

So this is how it is, then? Phillip Seaton (pictured)—an innocent man who went in for a routine adult circumcision and awoke to find that a ding dong doc had dinged his ding dong till it was clean gone—has been awarded not one red cent by a jury of his peers. (A "six-man, six-woman jury," his peers? Are they, really? Are they? Penis peers? Are they?)

In 2007, Phillip Seaton, a middle-aged man in Kentucky, went to the doctor to be circumcised, to help "treat inflammation," TWSS. You'll never guess what happened next.

Shep Smith on Fox News this afternoon: "Bratton reportedly says he'd want to be London's cop top. [Pause] Top cock. [Sound of something slamming on desk] Top cop." Don't sweat it, Shep. Sometimes you just get blowjobs on the brain. [YouTube]

In your cocky Tuesday media column: those Red Eye boys are just as penis-obsessed as ever, News Corp gives a million bucks to Republicans, Nielsen's big IPO, and a reporter fired for wearing a nice hat.

Famous Belgian visual artist Jan De Cock was questioned by authorities yesterday after making a veiled threat to a flight attendant during a flight to New York. Too many cocktails? You are not the cock-of-the-walk, sir. [NYP. Pic via]

"Does hair get stuck in your teeth when you go down on guys?" Jesse James mistress Bombshell McGee asked this of Philly vagina critic Arthur Kade, live on video, just last week. Do you forgive her now, Sandra Bullock? [ArthurKade.com]

ESPN's Erin Andrews is on the road to recovery after being taped in the nude by a sicko perv, and then victimized again by the faux-outraged tabloids. But her upcoming return to television proves ESPN is run by sexxx pervs:

Will these waggish fragrance marketing types ever stop with their cheeky penis humor? Eleven-year-old cologne wearers sure hope not! San Francisco—a popular home to gays—is all atwitter because of a new campaign by the giant ad agency Ogilvy for Tom of Finland, a new scent inspired by the famous homoerotic artist of the same name. They took posters of Tom's drawings, see, and positioned them just so next to protruding objects—that to a dirty mind might resemble a huge, hard cock! Such sophisticated appeal to the target demographic. The gays like that stuff, right? So they'll surely open their wallets for this:

In a 543-word opus describing his travails finding Internet connectivity in Palo Alto after a Comcast outage, imperialist blogger Michael Arrington was distracted by a noisy rooster. "There should be no live chickens in Palo Alto," he complains. While roosters, like the one pictured, are strictly forbidden in Palo Alto outside of areas zoned for agriculture, residents are allowed to keep up to six hens with a regular permit. How to dispose of the noisy cock? The city will happily loan a humane trap for $5 a day.

"A picture caption in some copies yesterday about residents in Canyon, Calif., who bought their own pay phone misspelled the given name and the surname of the woman shown using the telephone. She is Philippa W. Heathcock, not Philiooa W. Heartcock." [NYT]