In act of mutual desperation, CNN and Lindsey Graham conducted an interview over beers at a bar in Boulder last night in advance of tonight’s GOP debate. All parties were there to show the world they know how to have a little fun, which apparently meant a G-rated version of “fuck, marry, kill” called—this hurts to type—“date, marry, or disappear forever.”

After nearly three hours of monotone droning by a bunch of sweaty old people who will almost certainly never be president, tonight’s Republican debate finally delivered with a bizarre question about potential Secret Service names that produced incredibly absurd answers from every single candidate.

A former CNN anchor was caught in the middle of a motel room shootout when her husband emerged from the bathroom to find a man holding her at gunpoint Tuesday.

Speaking to America’s other self-appointed rape expert named Don on Wednesday, Donald Trump doubled down on his assertion that immigrants from Mexico are mostly rapists, citing an irrelevant article before confidently declaring, “Somebody’s doing the raping.”

CNN Tonight host and bad idea factory Don Lemon may have finally reached peak Lemon on Monday, holding up a sign reading “NIGGER” and asking his audience, “Does this offend you?”

Over the weekend, the Sunday Times published an article quoting British government sources claiming that China and Russia had hacked Edward Snowden’s NSA files, putting agents in danger. Where was the proof? Reporter Tom Harper appeared on CNN last night to explain: “Well, uh, I don’t know, to be honest with you.”

Everyone’s favorite CNN anchor interviewed Maryland governor Larry Hogan and Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake late last night. The contentious 11-minute interview, during which Lemon repeatedly asked the two about their responses to yesterday’s protests and riots, did not end well.

As riot police lined up in Baltimore this afternoon in anticipation of an eighth straight day of demonstrations over the death of Freddie Gray, a dancing protestor—or perhaps just a random passer-by—decided to pull down his pants and show them his ass. The perfect moment was captured live on CNN, much to host Brooke Baldwin’s chagrin.

"Too Many Cooks," the sitcom-intro spoof that destroyed America's brains back in November, worked so well because of its spot-on parody of several TV genres, which went uncomfortably long and then glitched out into brilliant, unexpected madness. CNN just tried to do their own version, mocking(?) the 2016 election. Why?

Ben Carson, a conservative politician known for speaking candidly but not at all delicately or even coherently, has a new bon mot for you: Prison makes people gay.

Yo listen up if any of you know what a blizzard is please get in touch as soon as possible (ASAP) because I'm covering the blizzard live on CNN and I'll be god damned if I know what all this snow is about, really.

During his broadcast last night, everyone's favorite CNN anchor Don Lemon asked Arsalan Iftikhar, a human rights lawyer and the founder of The Muslim Guy, if he supported ISIS. "Wait," a stunned Iftikhar replied. "Did you just ask me if I supported ISIS?"

Bill Cosby's attorney sent a strongly-worded letter to CNN president Jeff Zucker this weekend, claiming that the network is ignoring the pro-Cosby sources he so graciously provided for a special on Cosby accuser Beverly Johnson.

Earlier this year, Vice Media explored the possibility of taking over the CNN-owned cable network HLN. At an employee meeting this week, CNN boss Jeff Zucker reportedly said Vice boss Shane Smith is "an asshole." Wrong, Jeff—you're both assholes.

Seems Ferguson residents weren't the only viewers disappointed by CNN's recent reporting efforts, as the beleaguered network broadcast footage of protestors yelling "Fuck CNN" for the second night in a row Tuesday.

Last night, CNN attempted to cover the contentious events in Ferguson, Mo., including the announcement that police officer Darren Wilson would not be indicted for killing a black teenager named Michael Brown and the heated protests which followed. What the most trusted brand in American journalism ended up covering, however, was itself.

One sage protestor said what every CNN viewer was thinking when he interrupted Don Lemon's disastrous coverage in Ferguson earlier tonight to shout, "Fuck CNN" live on air.

A succinct moment of fury in Ferguson from a young woman named Angel, who reports that she watched a woman have a heart attack and then get teargassed: "We tired of this. And y'all shoulda seen this coming. Y'all shoulda seen it coming. Now it's here. United States, stand up with us."