Given she's 85 years old, you'll have to excuse gossip columnist Liz Smith for speaking so damn slowly. But that still doesn't mean we have any idea what she's talking about in this clip about Sarah Palin. After describing her as the "champion of the ordinary American person" and "half-Alaskan Amazon, half Venus of Willendorf"—and also pointing out that she has a "big, attractive family)—Smith explains what will happen if Palin doesn't win in November. She'll go back to Alaska and brush up on her foreign policy, Smith says, and then come back to Washington in four years and get elected president! Looks like someone forgot to take their Aricept pill this morning!

Lyor Cohen and Al Sharpton are both celebrating today: The Warner Music chief (and boyfriend of Tory Burch) turns 49; the rabble-rousing clergyman is 54. Others marking the special occasion: socialite Alexis Bryan is 32. Clive Owen is 44. Jake Shears is 30. Gwen Stefani is 39. Ashlee Simpson is 24. Composer Steve Reich is 72. Tommy Lee is 46. Neve Campbell is 35. Actor Sean William Scott is 32. And the notoriously precise Times TV critic Alessandra Stanley is 53. Weekend birthdays after the jump.

♦ Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky are getting married tonight. Mark Consuelos, the husband of Kelly Ripa, is presiding over the ceremony. So if you have no plans and you'd like to see this bizarre menagerie of people for yourself, please show up at Le Cirque on East 58th Street. [P6]
♦ Despite rumors, Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she has no plans to leave the View for Fox News. [E!, People]
♦ Madonna and Alex Rodriguez may have had dinner together, although both of their reps deny it. [P6]
♦ Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse are working together on a new song. Hopefully it'll turn out better than their last attempt at a collaboration, which "ended in tears." [Mirror]

♦ Citigroup isn't getting Wachovia after all: Just four days after the banks agreed to a deal, Wachovia has changed course and will now sell the company to Wells Fargo for $15.4 billion. [WSJ, NYT]
♦ The $700 billion bailout bill will reach the House for a vote today. This should be interesting. [NYT]
♦ JPMorgan Chase, which purchased a failed Washington Mutual last week, is already cleaning out the executive suite. [Bloomberg]

Erin Callan, who served as Lehman's chief financial officer until she was ousted in June, is saying goodbye to 15 Central Park West. According to the WSJ, she's selling her condo for $11.8 million, just below the asking price of $12 million. Callan made a tidy profit: She agreed to pay $6.48 million for the apartment three years ago—back when the building was under construction—although she only closed on the purchase in April, which is when she first put it on the market for $14 million. One unusual footnote to the story: The 2,400-square-foot apartment is located on the 31st floor, the same floor she occupied when she worked at Lehman.

♦ Last night Jessica Stam hosted an impossibly chic soiree in Paris, which was attended by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Emma Watson, Leigh Lezark, Lauren Santo Domingo, Kate Bosworth, Lazaro Hernandez, Tinsley Mortimer, Alexander Wang, and Ryan McGinley. [stylefile]
♦ Stylista has released a preview, and the most interesting details are: They've cast a fat girl for dramatic tension, and Anne Slowey, for all her Ice Queen imperiousness, can't walk in her four inch heels. Oh, and it looks like Joe Zee's going to be a big bitch to the contestants. [Jezebel]
♦ What does the fashion world think of Sarah Palin's outfit choices? It's a chorus of "no comment," except for Simon Doonan, who offers some advice: "Nothing she wears will cause anyone to budge, so she might as well enjoy her clothes and go for a little flamboyance. I'm seeing a little Jackie Rogers, a little vintage Mackie." [WWD]

As you probably recall, we were graced with Sarah Palin's presence last week: She visited Ground Zero, rubbed the shoulders of a few firemen, made small talk with Henry Kissinger, and convened with a handful of world leaders. One of those foreign dignitaries she met with was Asif Ali Zardari, the president of Pakistan, who raised a few eyebrows when he told Palin that she was "even more gorgeous in life," and said, "Now I know why the whole of America is crazy about you." When a handler asked Palin and Zardari to keep shaking hands for the camera, Zardari said that he'd gladly hug her, too, if asked. Big mistake, Mr. President: Radical clerics back in the homeland have now issued a fatwa against Zardari for his "indecent gestures, filthy remarks, and repeated praise of a non-Muslim lady wearing a short skirt." Just one more worry about a Palin vice presidency: She may just be too good-looking for the job.

♦ Frank Bruni has a few words of advice on what to do if a waiter serves you the wrong dish. [NYT]
♦ Sam Mason has a new bar planned for a space adjacent to Tailor. [GS]
♦ A look inside Aspen Social Club, the Steve Lewis-designed restaurant/bar at the newly-opened Stay hotel. [GofaG]
♦ Anthony Martignetti is opening a "private club without the membership policy" called Southside. [GS]
♦ Drew Nieporent's Corton opened last night in the space that was formerly occupied by Montrachet. [Eater]

We knew that email addiction ruins relationships, causes car accidents, and destroys the ability to focus on anything for more than a minute, and now comes news that email is corrupting morals! New studies show that communicating via email makes people more likely to lie, and to feel comfortable doing so, even compared to writing with a pen and paper. Observed one of the researchers: "People seem to feel more justified in acting in self-serving ways when typing as opposed to writing." Somehow, this explains so much about the state of the world today.

The late William F. Buckley Jr., founder of the National Review, apparently believed that anyone with the bad manners to be conceived during an affair should suffer the consequences. His illegitimate grandson, Jonathan—the son of author Christopher Buckley and the result of his affair with book publicist Irina Woelfe—will not get a penny of his estate, worth tens of millions, reports the Post, after Buckley literally stated in his will that the child was dead to him: "I intentionally make no provision herein for said Jonathan, who for all purposes... shall be deemed to have predeceased me." The details have emerged because Woelfe is filing suit to seek more child support from Christopher, who she claims hasn't wanted to see their son.

If you're a woman who works in high finance—or did until recently—you're probably thinking now that having made it in a testosterone-fueled industry where you've battled to be taken seriously and chipped away at the glass ceiling, the ideal item to add to your resume is nude modeling. Fortunately, Playboy is planning a "Women of Wall Street" issue! And the mag is now advertising for models, especially "those with more senior job experience." Because nothing says competent professional who can be trusted with millions like airbrushed nipples and waxed labia. [Reuters]

♦ Rachael Ray's mammogram is scheduled for tomorrow. And you'll be able to watch it go down if you tune into her show. [NYDN]
♦ The New Yorker just issued its endorsement of Barack Obama. Bet you're really surprised. [NYer]
♦ CNBC hit an all-time record the day the Dow dropped 777 points. [MCN]
♦ ABC's lineup of new shows isn't off to a very good start this season. [THR]
♦ Why Microsoft's ads with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld was a flop and Apple's "I'm a PC" ad has been a success. [AdAge]
♦ Newark's Star-Ledger is hanging on, but barely. [AP]
♦ As the economy turns south, marketers are turning up the volume and going after their competitors. [WSJ]
♦ Donna Tartt is leaving Knopf for Little, Brown. [Galleycat]
♦ The new, ad-covered subway cars... revealed! [NYT]

It looks like billionaire art dealer Guy Wildenstein has already found a new home now that he's put his apartments at the Plaza up for sale. Wildenstein has paid $32.5 million for former Primedia chairman William F. Reilly's 9,250-square-foot townhouse at 7 Sutton Square. The five-bedroom home, which is actually two townhouses that were renovated and combined 10 years ago, includes a three-story mezzanine, gym, sauna, rooftop garden, and 15-foot glass rotunda. Photos and floorplan after the jump!

Admit it. You've been wondering what John McCain eats for breakfast. The answer? Coffee, cereal, and fruit. (No, not babies.) Barack Obama gobbles down four to six eggs, potatoes, and wheat toast, and occasionally adds fruit, bacon, and oatmeal to the menu. (How does he stay so thin?) We certainly didn't see this one coming, but Tom Brokaw says he's a granola and yogurt kind-of-guy. Maureen Dowd? "I don't eat breakfast. Just coffee." A few other breakfast choices of media and political types after the jump.

Mr. Clean has passed away. No, not that Mr. Clean. The other one! [NYP]

Politico.com wanted some insight into how tonight's debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin will play out. So they consulted with one of the few people blessed with the ability to predict the future: psychic Elizabeth Joyce. She says the moon and stars are not, in fact, aligned in Palin's favor, and that Biden "will take the day so long as he doesn't push her too much." If you're supporting Obama/Biden, you're probably pleased to hear that. You may not, however, be quite as jazzed to hear what's in store for next week: "Her instincts tell her that come next week, there might be 'rioting in the streets and martial law,' and that President Bush will henceforth carry out his term indefinitely." Good to know!

Four More Years! [NY1]
It's Official! [NYDN]
Encore! [NYP]
Bloomberg Says He Wants a Third Term as Mayor [NYT]
Bloomberg Says He Will Seek Third Term as New York Mayor [WSJ]

John Mayer leaving a Krav Maga session on West 22nd Street ... Sarah Jessica Parker and Caroline Kennedy making a promotional appearance at the Barnes & Nobles in Tribeca ... Alex Rodriguez having lunch outside at Bar Pitti ... Katie Holmes signing autographs outside the Schoenfeld Theatre ... Madonna and son David walking into the Kabbalah Center ... Sandra Bernhard leaving the center with her daughter hours later ... Kate Walsh and Barry Sonnenfeld outside the Letterman show ... Britney Spears heading inside Soho House ... and Jay-Z standing on the sidewalk in the West Village.

Sure, presidential elections are right around the corner, the economy is crumbling, the bailout bill is still up in the air, and the local media is obsessively focused on Mike Bloomberg's plans to run for a third term. But nevermind all that: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have arrived in New York! They touched down with their brood early this morning; apparently Angelina is walking the red carpet at the New York Film Festival on Saturday. Thus far the only photos are pretty grainy (as is this video), but you can prepare youself for breathless updates on their whereabouts as soon as they wake up from their nap and step outside. [Access Hollywood]

Tomorrow is Dick Fuld's last day in the corner office on the 31st floor of 745 Seventh Avenue. On Monday, according to the Journal, he's moving to the space Lehman has set aside for "back-office personnel" at 1271 Sixth Avenue. That may explain why his perky assistant (here and here) is no longer taking Dick's calls and his much more somber one (here) has returned to the scene. It also explains why she sounds more depressed than ever, which is how you'd probably feel, too, if you had to give up a cushy office suite to sit in a cube next to a tech support staffer.