"[T]here are no reservations between 7pm and 9pm. Anywhere. Even a dreary spot." Michael Wolff is now Cindy Adams.

Zelda Kaplan, the hard-partying 95-year-old socialite who has been a fixture of the New York scene since the '60s, collapsed right in the middle of the Joanna Mastroianni fashion show at Lincoln Center yesterday, just as the second model walked past her. She was later pronounced dead. This is the first time a fashion show has literally been deadly boring.

81-year-old Yorkie-crazed gossip columnist Cindy Adams is so bewildered by technology, she devoted a column to perplexing contraptions like cellphones, doorbells, and windows.

Pants are too droopy, no one dresses up anymore, boys are dressed like girls, girls are dressed with boys. No, these aren't the latest posts on the Things Old People Like To Complain About Tumblr page. They're the complaints gossip dowager Cindy Adams included in a screed about Manhattan street style today:

Sharp-eyed readers may have noticed that dog-loving New York Post columnist Cindy Adams has been absent from the paper for months. She was sick! Now she's back! With a deeply disturbing column of hospital erotica.

Daily Profile: Cindy Adams

Who: Faded gossip empress Cindy Adams has been grinding out her column for the Post since 1981, although she hasn't published anything resembling real gossip in approximately as long.

Sandra was in Beverly Hills all week, but nobody got her picture. She should teach seminars to Lindsay Lohan, who got caught partying last night. Alicia Keys is pregnant and engaged. Gary Coleman is in the hospital. TGIFriday gossip.

Flying from London to New York, Peter Frank and boyfriend Michael Bailey witnessed two Courtney Love meltdowns. They wrote about it on their Facebook walls. Four days later, the Post's Cindy Adams ripped them off verbatim.

Gwyneth won't play Nicole's wife in a movie because Kidman dissed her. Lindsay Lohan is more than $500,000 in debt. Sandra Bullock is in trouble again. Jennifer Aniston is going to direct. Monday's gossip is a damsel in distress.

Heidi Montag says Adam DiVello touched her plastic body inappropriately. The Larry-King-had-sex-with-his-sister-in-law drama continues. Cindy Adams loves Jersey Shore. Charlie Sheen shaved his head and Kate Hudson got a boob job. Thursday's gossip wants its old body back.

Ed Westwick dumps Jessica Szohr over a dramatic jetsetting affair. Lindsay Lohan's new stepmother used to be her assistant, and even Dina thinks it's "incestuous." Whitney Houston wasn't snorting coke, she has allergies. XOXO, Thursday Gossip Roundup.

Alex McCord drank while pregnant. Bethenny Frankel found a maternity bikini. Sandy B is def divorcing Jesse James. Coca-cola killed Michael Jackson somehow. Simon Cowell's wedding will be a giant publicity stunt. Monday's gossip was sent to bed without supper.

Lady Gaga's former bassist wants his royalties. Sandra Bullock gets a divorce lawyer. Her husband's tattooed mistress loses a job for being a Nazi. Madonna leaves New York. Kate Gosselin can't dance. Tuesday's gossip is embarrassing itself in public.

MTV is having all their top moneymakers examined. Kate Gosselin hates the dancing stars in her galaxy. Corey Feldman is banned from Corey Haim's funeral. Martha Stewart can't get laid. Monday's gossip got up an hour late.

It's because his secret stash of booze ran dry. Sandra Bullock wins worst actress, Mo'Nique and Oprah clash, Farah Fawcett is forgotten, terrorists hate Hollywood, Tom Cruise gets in a wreck. Monday's gossip has a champagne hangover.

Octogenarian gossipeuse and human Eraserhead tribute Cindy Adams has an exclusive: perpetual candidate Harold Ford is totally a real New Yorker! (He's also another victim of this recession, because of his 45-day leave of absence from Merrill Lynch.)

Elderly dog-worshiping soothsayer and NY Post columnist Cindy Adams is relevant once again! Really though. Not only is she a hero to young journalists everywhere, she's a hero to us today, for mocking the Hollywood-industrial entitlement complex with admirable passion!

Today, New York Post gossip dowager Cindy Adams (of all people) had a very important question to ask about Levi Johnston: "What happened?" We haven't heard from him in months. Where did he go? Is this exile or punishment?

who bumped into New York Post columnist Cindy Adams while she was in Santiago, Chile, according to the gossipeuse's recap of her holiday vacation.