A fake news article about a San Francisco elementary school suspending a child for saying "Merry Christmas" to an atheist teacher created a lot of real headaches for a similarly-named Bay Area school after the fake report went viral.

Oakland, California, is both the robbery capital of America and one of the country's most expensive places to live. In acknowledgement of this dystopian situation, BART police will escort you and your holiday gifts from the train station to your car. Or, they may shoot you for no reason at all.

It's so cold outside, on the freezing streets of Manhattan. Yet the dogs must have their walks. They are city dogs, after all, and it takes an army of dog-walkers to get these beasts out of the apartments at regular intervals. We headed up to Central Park West to meet America's most pampered canines, all dressed up in their winter coats. Here's our first NYC dog of winter, in his red knitted sweater. It's Oliver, the French Bulldog!

Samuel L. Jackson in sweats, "Toby" Maguire being told to keep his fucking mouth shut, Arcade Fire performing "Little Drummer Boy" like a whole bunch of weirdoes, terrible gifts, and a seemingly unending barrage of awkwardly inappropriate questions — what more could possibly ask for in a Christmas special?

Not in the sense that what happens locally has national ramifications, but in the sense that every local news station around the country is reporting the exact same story. Line for line.

Florida's Republican House speaker-to-be is tweeting the many holiday blessings his ilk has given the Sunshine State, including the ability to gun anyone down at will. As one reporter responded: "In the run up to Xmas, FL gave to me: politicians pandering paranoia. Happy Bday, Jesus, U have no duty 2 retreat."

Reposted on Reddit over the weekend before making its way to Twitter and then the web writ large, the feast beast they call Cthulken (or, alternatively, the Craturktopus) reared its ugly, ugly head yet again to freak everybody out.

The scourge of SantaCon — the "nonsensical Santa Claus convention that happens once a year for absolutely no reason" — is the bane of pretty much every New Yorker, but a boon to voyeurs of badly behaving Santas.

To make sure everyone buys everyone the best gifts ever, this year Gawker has divided the universe of potential gift recipients into readers of our Gawker Media brother and sister sites.

While singing along with her kindergarten classmates to a Christmas-themed rendition of the folk song "Bingo Was His Name-O," one impossibly cute KODA (Kid of Deaf Adult) signs the song's words so her deaf parents can follow along.

Thousands of canceled flights and endless dreary delays awaited Americans who attempted to travel by passenger jet during this never-ending arctic monster storm, proving once again that none of us have any common sense at all. Why do we bother? Because we have been brainwashed to accept daylong episodes of prison-style abuse, as long as we eventually land somewhere else.

With air travel during the holidays a notorious nightmare, one airlines decided to lift their passengers' spirits by surprising them with an unexpected Christmas present.

We're all adults here. Which is why, unless you have children, you should not have a Christmas tree.

A Festivus pole made of discarded PBR cans will be erected in Florida's Capitol rotunda in a concession to atheists who were angry at the presence of a nativity scene in the same location.

A man who was fed up with his girlfriend's incessant Christmas shopping responded to her request for one more look around a mall shoe store by leaping seven floors to his death.

The Kardashian family released their annual Yule card honoring the fearsome rebirth of the Great Horned hunter God Cernunnos last night, and all of the ladies looked cute and cool, and everyone who beheld the image fell over dead 13 hours later

A not-so-secret Santa who claimed he was just trying to spread some holiday cheer after a "really tough year" was arrested on Black Friday for "making it snow" dollar bills on the heads of Mall of America shoppers.

[A child watches a show by the French street theatre company Les Plasticiens Volant, featuring giant, terrifying puppets, during an event to mark the start of the Christmas shopping season in Amsterdam, Netherlands on Thursday. Photo by Peter Dejong via AP]

McDonald's has dispensed a whole mess of poor advice to its underpaid employees in recent months — get a second job, sign up for food stamps — but this latest Holiday haul may be its Grinchiest yet.

[The Swarovski Star was raised to the top of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree Thursday in New York City. Originally created for the tree in 2004, the star features 25,000 crystals, weighs 550 pounds, and has been unveiled by very important Americans including Blake Lively, Fergie, and Maria Menounos. Image by Diane Bondareff via AP]