“As artisanal food surges in popularity...the Mast Brothers’ story highlights how a company can have great success selling a product of dubious quality as something ‘artisanal’ or ‘handcrafted’ with beautiful packaging and handsome, bearded founders.” Ten dollar chocolate is worse than Martin Shkreli.

Fuck dark chocolate.

The Concord Monitor has reported some very sad news: toxicology reports revealed that four bears who were found dead in September in New Hampshire had died from eating too much chocolate that had been left out as bait. Actual death by chocolate.

Two of the major manufacturers of chocolate revealed recently that, ahem, we might have a problem: the world is facing a chocolate shortage problem because we are eating way too much of the stuff. Everyone stay calm. I repeat. Stay calm.

The Boston Globe, among our country's most venerated journalistic institutions, republished a New York Times story about chocolate on its website today. For some reason, the photo it chose to accompany that story on Twitter shows a chocolate butt plug next to a chocolate Santa Claus holding a chocolate butt plug.

A 19-year-old Vogue model wound up in court this week after she allegedly tried to steal three chocolate bars from a downtown Whole Foods earlier this summer.

[Pope Francis stands in front of a life-sized chocolate statue of himself. The statue, made with 1.5 tons of cocoa, was presented to the Pope during Wednesday's general audience. Image via L'Osservatore Romano/AP.]

Cocoa is so hot right now.

In the UK, it is now legal—though it was not yesterday—to sell Nestle chocolate bars in purple wrappers.

Last Sunday, officials at JFK International Airport arrested a woman for allegedly trying to smuggle over seven pounds of cocaine inside Toblerone chocolate bars and boxes.

It's the kind of story local news lives for — a black bear breaks into a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and makes off with several mouthfuls of merchandise.

"Did you see the news today? The scientists are saying that chocolate could be good for your blood circulation. Well I'll be. Who knew? Chocolate is a health food? No more going to the doctor for me! I have a bag of Hershey's Kisses, and that's a lot cheaper than health insurance! Oh, maybe I'll still go to my favorite doctor—Mr. Goodbar! Doctor Hershey's, I should say! I have a pill bottle—full of M&Ms! It does wonders! It always makes me feel better! Hey, I guess now you can eat whatever you want for dinner—as long as you have a chocolate sundae for dessert! Dessert is the new diet! I'm going on an all-chocolate diet—for my health! If chocolate is healthy, well, I'm a regular Olympic athlete! Send me to London—for the 100-meter chocolate dash! And swimming—in a pool of chocolate! I'd definitely win the gold medal! I hope it's just gold foil covering chocolate! I think I'll give up jogging and take up eating more! I've cut back my jogging to only one destination—the candy store! It's for my health, thank you! I'm giving up the Weight Watchers in favor of chocolate milkshakes—for my health! Hey, can these scientists have a little talk with my waistline? It doesn't seem to be listening to reason! I'm skipping the gym today and just eating chocolate instead—for my health! This is the greatest discovery since sliced bread—even better, actually, because I'm on a low-carb diet! Except for chocolate carbs! I have to eat those—doctor's orders! Chocolate—for my health! I approve this message!"

Take this with a grain of salt, but according to a recent study, people who eat chocolate regularly are thinner than those who don't. Now, if you follow nutrition news closely, you'll note that opinions on what's healthy and what's going to give you cancer tend to change from week to week. But hey, this study is encouraging increased chocolate consumption, and that's something many of us can get behind.

The other day at the store I saw this "Hershey's Air Delight" bar. What's the big idea? You added some air into a chocolate bar? Is air some great ingredient now?

The U.S. Labor Department and the State Department are both investigating beloved chocolate maker Hershey's, due to the complaints of a few foreigners. The sweet company's crime? Helping foreigners learn about America.

Chocolate workout! Smaller gyms! Drummer warrior! Fast pushups! Helen Mirren! Tween athletes! Vegetarian benefits! Heart exercise! And Americans are still fat, all of us! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—plyometrixplosively!

You think the world is a boring and cruel place and then one day you wake up on an absolutely normal morning and you look on the internet and there is a story about a Gourami fish who was living on a diet of nothing but chocolate. A fish named Gary! Why isn't Gary eating his grapes at the aquarium like a normal Gourami?

Today chocolate manufacturer Cadbury released a statement apologizing for an ad that associated notorious supermodel Naomi Campbell with a chocolate bar. Campbell called the ad "racist" and said she planned to sue. Well, the apology is out of the way, but Campbell still isn't happy.

Rageaholic supermodel Naomi Campbell is considering "every option available" to stick it to Cadbury for using her name in a chocolate ad, which she finds racist:

Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld doesn't go anywhere without his traveling companion and muse Baptiste Giabiconi. Now he's reserved a very interesting honor for the comely young man: Uncle Karl has sculpted the boy in chocolate. Remember Karl, it melts in your mouth, not in your hand. We wonder what it's filled with when you bite into it!