The American Family is Under Attack. Homosexuals, liberals, Europeans, celebrities, immigrants—all seek to undermine our nation's moral code. Marriage, parenthood, even chaste teenage courtship are embattled and probably doomed. Movies about children having children out of wedlock, gays trying to marry gays, and wife-stealing media moguls are just symptoms of a deeper moral rot in our culture. Here, we present to you, exclusively, three of the greatest dangers to your family unit that you are sure to face this February—and beyond!

Pete Doherty, rock musician and skinny little skeleton full of drugs, recently played a child's birthday party. He is apparently so hard up for cash since his split from model and smack mama Kate Moss, that he accepted a mere £100 for the gig, the equivalent of $4 million US. I mean $200. He was such a hit that now other parents are asking if he'll do the same for their lil' lasses! Never mind that his band is called Badboy Babyshambles or that one of his super smash hit number one jams is called "Fuck Forever." British people are so weird! [Showbiz Spy]

"The Rough-and-Tumble Online Universe Traversed by Young Cybernauts" is not the most promising headline for a NY Times trend piece. Nor is the lede, which reads like rejected copy for Season 1 of "To Catch a Predator." The Times is reporting on a documentary on PBS's Frontline, which dregs up the fears about the Internet that have floated around since the 90s. The Times grossly misrepresented the documentary; updates below. Problem is, these fears are unfounded, and the Internet is practically safer for kids than their own homes. I shall now demonstrate this with a truckload of stats, logic, and some admittedly unfair anecdotal evidence.

Kids! They know how to use computers! Actually no. Young students are as likely as older users to enter plain-English phrases as search terms, according to a study by the British Library (summarized here). They're also more likely to make research mistakes (like ignoring relevant information because it doesn't fit certain keywords), as luddites and librarians have feared, but not because of the Internet: Pre-web studies showed the same poor research skills among younger children, indicating that, well, children are less educated than adults. The study also produced the awesomest photo illustration of "research" ever.

Nothing says "good job" like a heart attack, we always say. So we were thrilled to learn that "last week, students in Seminole County, Florida apparently received their report cards in envelopes adorned with Ronald McDonald promising a free Happy Meal to students with good grades, behavior or attendance." IS NOTHING SACRED?

Tonight, tens of thousands of happy New York children will stay up past their bedtimes, lining up at bookstores for when the final "Harry Potter" book is released at a minute after midnight. But how safe will they be? Cross-referencing the list of local Harry Potter parties with the sex offender registry, we can reveal that these children will be surrounded by literally dozens of baby rapists and other offenders! Is no place safe? Actually, yes, some place is! We've identified the safest New York-area place to take your child tonight. The answer may surprise you!

"In December 1996, inspired in part by [Tony] Randall's well-publicized late fatherhood (his wife was 26 at the time), I wrote an article for The New York Times about men having children at a stage in life when their peers were usually contemplating a move to Florida or their next cardiogram. One proud papa dubbed them start-over dads, or SODs for short.... Under the circumstances, it seemed natural to check in with some of the same fathers 10 years later to see how they are faring in their eighth or even ninth decade."

Today's Thursday Styles Rosenbloomination on parents who let their kids make their decisions for them has some fun tidbits, it's true. A mom is letting her son daughter advise her on how to remodel the bathroom (pictured)! Another kiddo "turned her mother on to the band Coldplay"—"It's not a sort of 'You're so lame, Mom,' situation at all," says the mom. But then about halfway through there's this blob of random:

See that bedroom that's bigger than your studio, peon? It's never been used by its inhabitant, 5-year-old Harrison Costello. He prefers to cuddle up to his parents at night. Creepy? Well, not as creepy as the fact that a consultancy called Soho Parenting exists to address this very issue. Creepier still: Harrison's mom, Domino style director Susie Sara Costello, says that "her family's bed-hopping is 'tough on relations—I'm not going to lie.'" We'll leave the quasi-incest aside here, because we want to kiss up to Susie Sara: So, if Harrison's not using it, can we move in?

The New York Times, for the first time since 1994, will not participate in "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day" this April. It's not just because they hate children, though! They'll be mid-move, according to a memo just sent by publisher Arthur Sulzberger, to their delicious new building. The childless media heathens of 43rd Street—as in, the vast majority of the staff— can rejoice in an unbroken 365-day streak without the cooing of Brooklyn toddlers and the sullen poutings of pimpled Jersey teens spewing from the soon-to-be-forgotten cubicle farms.