While addressing the LGBTQ Delegates at the 2016 Democratic National Convention on Wednesday, Chelsea Clinton read this year’s Republican Party platform for filth.

Marc Mezvinsky, husband to Chelsea Clinton and occasionally successful hedge fund manager, thought it would be a good idea to bet on the Greek economy a few years ago. But unfortunately for him and the rest of his firm, it was not. Mr. Chelsea Clinton has fucked up.

Last October, the Wall Street Journal popped the reputation of Theranos, a much buzzed-about biotech startup that claimed to have revolutionized blood testing. As it turned out, their claims were not true—they simply hadn’t done what they’d claimed they’d done. Now, the mildly disgraced firm’s CEO is stumping for the Clinton campaign.

Rumor has it the contentious 2016 presidential election is tearing apart famous acquaintances Chelsea Clinton and Ivanka Trump. “I am also here!!!” says Georgina Bloomberg, who is, in typical horse-girl fashion, trying to make it all about her.

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK—On Wednesday night, Bill Clinton stood onstage not five feet away from a large saxophone for close to 40 minutes without touching it or even looking in its direction once.

Chelsea Clinton is leaving NBC News, where she was reportedly paid $600,000 to produce segments like “Chelsea Clinton reflects on Judy Blume’s impact on her childhood” and “Chelsea Clinton admires vegetarian stands taken by Stella, Linda McCartney.” She will be missed.

A few years ago, NBC News hired Chelsea Clinton as a “special correspondent”—which meant, in practice, that Bill and Hillary’s daughter didn’t have to do any actual reporting. It turns out that coddling a child of privilege is very expensive! Politico reported on Friday morning that NBC News paid Clinton $600,000 per year to star in hard-hitting segments such as:

Chelsea Clinton, scion of a former president and a possible future one—and more recently, vice-chair of the Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea Clinton Foundation—has announced she's pregnant, according to CNN's Robert Yoon.

The New York Times reported yesterday that JPMorgan Chase is under federal investigation for hiring the children of China's elite with the explicit goal of boosting the bank's business prospects. Good. Nepotism on Wall Street is just as gross as nepotism at the media outlets that cover Wall Street.

Early this morning, the New York Times unveiled a 2,878-word, A1 investigation into the Clinton Foundation, the eponymous philanthropic arm of the Clinton family’s equally unquenchable ambitions. “PAPER TAKES DOWN CLINTON FOUNDATION,” Drudge trumpeted; “devastating,” The Telegraph gasped. Uh, but: the piece doesn’t seem to have much of a point. Is the Times trying to say something it can’t print?

Rich celebukid Chelsea Clinton and her other side of the tracks husband Marc Mezvinsky will move into a 5,000 square-foot prewar apartment with expectedly high ceilings, shiny hardwood floors, and park views. The Whitman, a 1924 building by Madison Square Park in NoMad, is very close to their loft in Gramercy where they supposedly live now.

Last year, NBC News hired Chelsea Clinton to "report" on things for them, because here in America, major news networks are purely in the entertainment business and the privileges of dynastic nepotism will get you everywhere. That is why she was hired. Because of who her parents are. It has nothing to do with her abilities, or the concept of "journalism." I'm sure she's nice and smart and all. But that is not why she was hired by NBC News. Okay? Now. How is that going?

Tonight, the American Broadcast Company airs Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011, wherein TV's grande dame of celebrity reacharounds offers profiles of some of the most spellbinding figures of our time. This year's list includes the likes of Katy Perry (fascinating breasts), Donald Trump (fascinating hair), Simon Cowell (also fascinating breasts), Herman Cain (finds breasts fascinating), and the Kardashians (fascinatingly stupid). As a companion piece, we have compiled this list of The 10 Least Fascinating People of 2011. Think of it as a love letter to everyone who bored, bothered, or left us utterly cold over the past 12 months.

Yeah, last night was the TV debut of Chelsea Clinton, NBC's newest """""journalist.""""" All you non-famous kids out there who saddled yourselves with a lifetime of debt in order to pay for journalism school, who are now either unemployed or underemployed or stuck at some boring dead end niche publication wondering how your journalism dream turned out so differently than you imagined: maybe Chelsea Clinton will put you in one of her charity news segments on teevee one day. That would be a dream come true for you.

Chelsea Clinton gave what appears to be her first-ever interview to the New York Times. And we were surprised to learn that the 31-year-old has a "chief of staff." She's not the only one. Ultra-Rich People Trend Alert!

In your finally Friday media column: Newsweek sucks, Chelsea Clinton's NBC infiltration works, a bodybuilder becomes a magazine editor, drone journalism arrives, and your angry layoff rant of the day.

So, Chelsea Clinton is joining NBC "News" to "report" on "Making a Difference." We'll pause here as you get out all of the obvious jokes. (Pause.) Great. Now, let's take a moment to contemplate just how vapid our nation's most powerful "news" networks really are.

Chelsea Clinton is joining the board of Barry Diller's InterActiveCorp, according to an SEC filing, in between working toward an Oxford doctorate and helping with father Bill Clinton's philanthropic endeavors.

Chelsea Clinton's husband, Marc Mezvinsky, has apparently left his hedge fund job to go skiing in Jackson Hole, Wyoming for "a few months." His wife, however, will visit him "every few weeks." Jeez, Chelsea, give the guy some space.