Velveeta™ brand products are much like America itself: chemical-laden, unnaturally orange, and composed primarily of Cheez. So it's unsurprising that Velveeta convenient meals division brand manager Adam Grablick's comment on the process of chemically concocting, packaging, rolling out, and promoting the new Velveeta Cheesy Skillets would serve to crystallize the fundamental hopelessness that has overtaken us as a people more clearly than anything else.

A shadowy governmental organization known as Dairy Management works behind the scenes to force Americans to eat cheese. The New York Times' today reveals that Dairy Management has been partnering with various fast food companies to promote fattening, cheese-laden products.

SportsCenter held a poll for "most beloved:" Brett Favre or Wisconsin cheese. Brieng it on, Favre. I bet you Cantel who was right. The vote was a feta accompli. Okay, we're finished.

Still hungry after last month's 2,300-calorie Mac & Cheese Quesadilla and footlong cheeseburgers? Try the latest American chain restaurant abomination: Denny's Fried Cheese Melt, in which deep-fried breaded cheese is embedded in more cheese, more bread, and fried again.

And for me! Because I love chick-flicks. The premise of the show is as follows: a (barely) geeky girl is taken under the wing of a style/life adviser, made over, and forced to tell her crush she likes him.

Italian police in Turin have confiscated several thousand servings of mozzarella because it "turned blue after contact with air." This is the second-worst thing to happen to Italy this weekend, after drawing with New Zealand in the World Cup. [AP]

You will measure your life before and after this moment. After years of merely overlapping triangular pieces of cheese on their sandwiches, cruelly loading one side with more than the other, Subway will now tessellate the slices, according to Consumerist.

Yesterday, Lori Mason won plaudits from kinky sex freaks far and wide for allowing her chef husband to make cheese from her breast milk. Alas! Now comes a food critic to dispel your dreams of tasty human bosom curd.

Lori Mason, whose chef husband is currently serving cheese made of her breast milk, has declined requests from strangers to sample her milk, saying "I'm not here to walk people through their psychological problems." Guess what the NEXT SENTENCE is?

Last night, as her husband sat in jail and reporters and photographers continued their stakeout of her home, Ruth Madoff was like, hey, I need some cheese! She went to the grocery store. Just spontaneously.

Click to viewBoomp3.com At the premiere of Body Of Lies, Russell Crowe was shocked to hear that one of the reporters on the red carpet was not a fan of cheese. The rough and tumble Aussie actor couldn’t believe that the reporter did not enjoy one of the finest things in life. Crowe said, “Perhaps, this woman has been given the wrong cheese and maybe I’m the person to teach her about the ways of proper cheese consumption. I love CHEESE! Give me a nice slice of Havarti and a beautiful Bordeaux and I’m as tame as a baby kitten.” [Photo Credit: WENN] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Remember "Wedginald"? It's that stupid wheel of cheddar cheese that the whole stupid world is watching mature on the Internet. Well, yesterday was a very big day for Wedginald indeed! Creator Tom Calmer cut the cheese to assess its maturation.

"WWW.CHEDDARVISION.TV: It must rank as one of the weirdest spectator sports, having attracted a global audience of more than 1.5 million in less than a year, and it involves, literally, nothing happening. People across the globe have been logging on to a website in huge numbers to watch a 44lb handmade cheddar cheese from Shepton Mallet slowly mature. Addicted surfers have, over the last nine months, been able to admire the Somerset-based cheese, named Wedginald by its creators. So far, 1,525,548 are registered as having logged on. " [Times (U.K.)]

• A sociology professor on the BlackBerry outage and the damage done: "It's hard to speculate on exactly what kind of effects this BlackBerry outage could have, but I imagine that users could feel isolated and alone." GOOD! [Popular Mechanics]
  

A tipster sent the (admittedly blurry) photo above, of a hunk of cheese from Fairway in Red Hook. From what we hear, the cheese wasn't half-bad. Hip cheese: It's what separates us from Middle America.