“If the shell isn’t fried the proper 90 seconds or if it sits for more than 15 minutes after cooking, the cheese hardens and won’t be melty enough for a proper stringy bridge between separated pieces.” The complex machinations behind the Taco Bell Quesalupa.

Ted Cruz isn’t one to shy away from cheesing up the campaign trail, but today the presidential hopeful failed to deliver.

Acting on the orders of President Vladimir Putin, Russian officials destroyed hundreds of tons of banned Western foodstuffs on Thursday, including piles of cheese, pork and peaches, The New York Times reports.

STOP. You there, with the American cheese—yes, you, the American. Hold it right there.

Though I enjoy a good slice of American Cheez Food Product as much as the next unsophisticated child, I would not be so bold as to declare that product to be "healthy." Prestigious nutritionists bound to differ!

Sorry, patrons of Hungry Howies Pizza—a $85,000 shipment of shredded mozzarella on its way to a distribution center in Lakeland, Fla. was stolen.

A Seattle suburb has "banned cheese" in advance of Sunday's NFC Championship game between the Seattle Seahawks and the Green Bay Packers. In response to this assault on food, one man bravely spoke out: "They should never ban cheese." Amen, brother.

There is a tradition in Gloucestershire, England where a bunch of men race down a steep hill chasing wheels of cheese. It's called "cheese-rolling." Oddly, especially given this country's longstanding obsession with slathering their food in cheeses, the cheese-roll has yet to become the stateside sensation it so clearly could be.

Taking a page out of the American Renaming Shit Because Your Shit Sucks Book of Pettiness, the EU has moved forward with a motion to prohibit Americans from using traditionally European names for cheeses like Parmesan, feta, and Gorgonzola. No skin off our massively engorged cheese wheel, buds.

Clint Eastwood saved the life of the Pebble Beach Pro-Am golf tournament's CEO on Wednesday night, the Carmel Pine Cone reports today. "Clint came up behind me, and he knew exactly what to do," said CEO Steve John. "He did the Heimlich maneuver, and he lifted me right off the ground. He's strong! The cheese popped out, and I was fine."

That man you see above is holding a slice of Swiss cheese over his dick. He is currently driving around the Mayfair area of Philadelphia asking women to use the slice of cheese while jerking him off.

Milwaukee has begun repurposing its surplus of cheese brine to de-ice its roads: "You want to use provolone or mozzarella. Those have the best salt content. You have to do practically nothing to it."

The commuter who snapped this photo yesterday told Gothamist that this guy was "enjoying a half wheel of what must have been a severely aged Brie with crackers" on the N train at rush hour. Each generation gets the hero it deserves. [via]

Just months after after a crooked Canadian cop was busted for cheese smuggling, an Illinois man was arrested for allegedly stealing 21 tons of Muenster from a Wisconsin cheese company. The man, Veniamin Balika, 34, then did the reasonable thing and attempted to sell the 42,000 pounds of cheese at a rest stop off the New Jersey turnpike.

A Canadian police officer and two others were arrested and charged with being part of a "major cheese-smuggling ring." Constable Scott Heron of the Niagara Regional Police and his two partners were charged with conspiracy, smuggling and other customs violations for allegedly transporting over $200,000 of cheese into Canada from the United States without paying any taxes.

Bad news, everyone: the CDC announced today it was recalling 800 wheels, or roughly 4,800 pounds, of ricotta salata cheese. The ricotta salata in question is tainted with listeria, which is a salmonella-like pathogen that will make you incredibly sick if you're old, pregnant, sick or a (figurative/literal) baby. I was going to say something like, "But who cares because Ricotta is obviously the lamest non-cottage cheese," but it turns out ricotta salata is not the boring mushy stuff in lasagna. It's instead a "salty, white cheese made from pasteurized sheep's milk," which sounds gross enough without the listeria. So far 14 people have gotten sick, with at least one confirmed death.

We already know the U.S is in a drought. But who gives a shit, right? Well, based on our insatiable desire for meat/cheese-based everything, a whole lot of us will start caring soon: dairy and meat prices are about to go way up.

Watch out, American™ Cheez™—there is a new flavor of cheese "in town" that people are eating a lot of! That would be pepper jack—a fiesta of flavor in your mouth area due to the mixing of peppers inside of the cheez. It's not just hungry Americans shoving entire bricks of pepper jack into their drooling maws during their voracious Ambien-fueled sleepwalks—it's on Chik'n™ sandwiches too!

I've set off some explosive truth bombs in my day, but I think this is going to be the most controversial thing I have ever published: I hate cheese.

Americans love cheez. Cheez has made Kraft the most powerful cheez corporation on earth. Now, the company is making a $50 million advertising gamble that it can get Americans to try something new: cheese.