When Vogue put LeBron James on the cover it was innovative: a black man on the cover of a magazine aimed at rich, white women? Anna Wintour's still got it. But now, the fallout. Didn't LeBron James sort of look like King-Kong? And why does that pretty white girl looked so scared? Oh no, racial stereotypes being reinforced on the cover of Vogue, a place normally dedicated to reinforcing an unattainable ideal of beauty. And it gets worse: James's mouth was agape, just like Jennifer Hudson's was on the March cover. Controversy!

In case you hadn't heard, recently resigned NY governor Eliot Spitzer likes call girls. A lot. And while we're still busy casting the inevitable movie of the week, our slideshow-obsessed friends over at Us dove into their archives to reminisce on the hooker-laced pasts of Hugh Grant, Eddie Murphy and escort king Charlie Sheen, who've all been caught with their pants (and dignities) down. But call girls don't always come in the form of silicone sketchballs straight out of the Bada Bing. Sometimes they have hearts of gold and charisma as thick as the air on the 101! If they're played by stars, that is. We dove into our own archives and selected our top five films that revolve around the World's Oldest Profession, flicks that will surely be making their way onto Eliot Spitzer's Netflix queue in no time.

For every swan dress there is a fire engine red body-hugger worn by the likes of Catherine Zeta-Jones, or one of those golden sparkle-y things that just melts all over Halle Berry's body. To prove we're not just big meanies when it comes to discussing Oscar outfits of yesterday, we've put together our Top Ten picks for the most exclamatory, drop-dead dresses ever worn on an Oscar red carpet, and even redeemed one member of the Worst Club by placing her at the shiny top of our Best-Dressed cake.

With a backlog of magazines accumulating on our nightstand (we don't know who ordered us the gift subscription to The Plushisist, but that's not our furry bag, baby), we apologize for not having gotten to Los Angeles magazine's Movie Issue sooner. Had we done so, we might have already noted their epic profile of Paul Haggis—the two-time Academy Award-winning writer/director who rocked the Hollywood firmament with Progressive Auto Insurance commercial-cum-racism allegory Crash, a film in which Sandra Bullock did some of her best Latino-locksmith-discriminating work to date. Haggis followed that with the even grimmer Iraq war drama In The Valley of Elah (a John Kerry DVD Club Selection of the Month™!), a film that only further cemented his reputation as suffering from an acute case of auteur's anhedonia:

Charlize Theron is the latest victim of what the media has dubbed the Hanukkah Bandit (OK, maybe we're the only ones to dub them that), having returned from a weekend away to discover "that property was missing from her home." No word yet on what exactly was taken, but mark our words: If he dared touch the Oscar or her bronzed Aileen Wournos prosthetic mouth-mold, there will be hell to pay. Curse you, Hanukkah Bandit! [ETOnline]

As if the grief of this week weren't already about to swallow our heavy hearts whole, People rocks our world by demolishing our last shred of hope that good might eventually triumph. Charlize Theron, who so courageously uglied herself up to win an Oscar, is now reportedly locked in the jaws of an even more terrible monster: Howie Mandel. A poisonous, soul-destroying addiction to the Deal or no Deal video game has reduced Theron to hiding in her trailer, feverishly playing with faux-Howie, waving off director Paul Haggis's questions about a scene, and wantonly ignoring his unwelcome pleas for her to take the money and run.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, and your tenth sighting gets a free selection from our pastry case! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and give Macaulay Culkin's My Girl love interest Anna Chlumsky serious cause for concern.

· At last, the Marty Tregnan Golf Academy explained. (Apologies to anyone who's never been to Griffith Park and has no idea why one should care about this enigma of the golf-instruction world.)
· From the Dept. of Classy Problems: Charlize Theron is being sued for wearing the wrong jewelry.
· Killjoy CBS censors a grizzly-sodomy joke on a Two and a Half Men title card that was probably funnier than anything Charlie Sheen did in last night's episode.
· Paula Abdul is under the hilariously naive impression that she owns her own life. Silly Paula!
· Ted Haggard is only gay for that one hustler with the good meth connection.

· Hollywood's abuzz about Tom Freston's roast in New York last night, where the terminated, terminally nice guy managed to get a few good ones in, too: "I've been, what do these kids do? Swimming the Internet. Check this out. MySpace.com — one word not two. I'm telling you, one day this is going to be worth a bundle." Make sure to read his instant message conversation with Tom Cruise, in which the two discuss their enthusiasm for something called "MEGA-ATOMIC IMPALER." (Which we'll assume is a video game and not...um...a mega-atomic impaler.) [Variety]
· Charlize Theron will star with Nick Stahl in Ferris Wheel, an indie drama that will mark Bill Maher's directorial debut. Yes, that Bill Maher. Nope! Not that Bill Maher—another Bill Maher who comes out of visual F/X. [Variety]
· Nerd-hot director Wes Anderson collaborates again with his Life Aquatic co-writer Noah Baumbach on Fantastic Mr. Fox, a mostly stop-motion adaptation of the Roald Dahl book for Fox. [Variety]
· NBC 2.0 continues its unstoppable march of radical innovation by putting its four most promising comedies into a two-hour programming block on Thursday nights, then bestowing this chunk of appointment television with an as-yet-undetermined, catchy catchphrase. [Variety]
· Forbes hosted a two-day media conference at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where the genuine sentiment among execs was one of "consumer fatigue" amidst the plethora of platforms currently available. Finally, however, one lone voice stood up and yelled, "Well?! What are we going to do about it?!" whereupon everyone in attendance instantly jumped off their seats and shouted "Fix it!!!" They then worked together well into the next morning drafting the Pledge of Convergence. [THR]

Realizing that Borat's imminent opening effectively ends his "innocent Kazakh documentarian who doesn't understand why he can't purchase sex from shopgirls at The Gap" ruse, Sacha Baron Cohen is already working on the next character (fat suit? age make-up? differently colored nut-sling?) he'll inhabit for a top-secret movie he's expected to shoot next summer. [Variety]
In arguments that the FCC must relax their rules on large media conglomerates, CBS manages to get a dig in on NBC: "Four years ago, when the FCC last reviewed its broadcast-ownership rules, the YouTube.com domain name had not even been registered, the first Windows version of the audio iPod was just rolling out, Google was only a search engine, cable companies sold primarily video packages, and telephone companies sold primarily voice service....and NBC was the most popular broadcast network thanks to its high-rated sitcom 'Friends' airing in the first hour of primetime." Ouch. We'll spare you the punchline, where they mention NBC's layoffs. You get the point already. [THR
Charlize Theron helps out boyfriend Stuart Townsend by lending her star power to The Battle in Seattle, his directing debut. Cute! [Variety]
Is it pre-Oscar awards season already? The Independent Film Project announces the nominees for its Gotham Awards, which include Half Nelson, Babel, and Little Miss Sunshine. [THR]
The placement of TV episodes online by networks and studios hardly seems like news anymore, but Fox will show the first two episodes of the new season of The OC on MySpace and their station sites before they air, and Warner Bros, TV hopes to entice people to start watching The Nine by streaming its pilot episode. [Variety]

· Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman will star in the Rob Reiner-directed comedy The Bucket List, about "a wish list that two terminally ill men try to fulfill before each kicks the bucket." Hey, you don't want to fuck up a perfectly good high-concept idea by getting cute with the title. [Variety]
· Charlize Theron "lures" British director Alan Parker out of a five year hiatus to helm her "passion project," Ice at the Bottom of the World. And by "passion project," we of course mean the chance to land an Oscar nomination by playing a heroin addict with an appropriately edgy multi-racial child. [THR]
· As usual, the second half of the year will shift from superhero movies to biopics and "earnest topical movies," so get all of the fun out of your system before the serious, Oscar-baiting shit takes over. [Variety]
· Leo DiCaprio finds a way to use development funds to bankroll several months of heavy hallucinogen use. [THR]
· Paramount buys the pitch Frenemies, about two friends who become enemies. See above re: not getting too cute with titles for high-concept ideas. [Variety]

The jury appears to still be out on Jon Stewart's Oscar host performance last night, with some feeling he juggled all the necessary elements to make for a decent, if safe, showing, and others feeling that, well, he sucked the big one. Regardless on where you stood, it was hard to deny that there was an underlying lack of fundamental Stewart love in the room last night. Take for instance the above reaction shot to one of his less-inspired comedic riffs: After mentioning that this year heralds a "return to glamour," Stewart notes that it's a huge improvement over last year's theme, "Night of a Thousand Sweatpants." (In his writing staff's defense, the quip does manage to completely avoid the subject of Dick Cheney, hunting, or shooting people in the face). We dissect the celebrity reaction, above, in decreasing order of fake enjoyment: 1. Charlize Theron: Lips pursed, jaw clenched, eyes angry. From a distance, could be confused with an actual smile. Close up, she appears to be fantasizing about what drain-opening solvents would cause the most internal damage to host Stewart. 2. Matt Dillon: Not a smile, but not entirely unamused. Oblivious, more than anything: Off in some far away place known only as "Oscar Winner, Matt Dillon Land." 3. Ludacris. Thoroughly unamused and doesn't care who knows it. Actively frowning. Thinking to self how Stewart's sweatpants jokes wouldn't even cut it at the Vibe Awards.

Quite frankly, we're a little paralyzed by all of the post-Oscar nonsense we need to cover (the epic hangover isn't helping things, either), but we figured That Thing On Charlize Theron's Shoulder is a pretty good place to start. As Jon Stewart mentioned early on in the ceremony, a "return to glamour" was a running theme of the night, but the folks at Dior decided that they needed to supplement Theron's otherwise classic gown with a bow twice the size of the actress's head, the formal-wear equivalent of a pirate's parrot perched on her delicate shoulder. Thankfully, Theron left the diamond-encrusted eyepatch from Harry Winston's in the limo, sparing us all further embarrassment.

Brokeback Mountain producer and frequent Ang Lee collaborator James Schamus set the record straight with USA Today over the recent rumors that the director's next project would be a biopic on the life of singer Dusty Springfield starring Charlize Theron, with Kate Moss as her lesbian lover. It seems the entire thing was a media-concocted fabrication:

Having ensured himself a lasting place in the Gay Man's Hall of Fame with Brokeback Mountain, director Ang Lee has made a canny choice for his next project: He'll stick to gay love stories, but win back the hearts of the straight guy population with some sweet girl-on-girl action starring two of the hottest chicks on the planet:

It was visual effects supervisor geeks' one big chance a year to hit up Charlize Theron for her phone number yesterday (though they would have to get past her mother Gerda first) at the annual Oscar nominees luncheon, held at the Beverly Hilton. In addition to receiving their "nomination certificates" and official Oscar nominee sweatshirts (keep your eyes peeled and your "Oscar memorabilia" search preferences saved, eBayers!) the luncheon also provided the giddy nominees an opportunity to clown around and enjoy themselves, free of the eyes of the broadcast's oft-touted audience of "one billion viewers." Triple-nominee George Clooney even managed to squeeze in a potshot at the Vice President, which, while not quite as inspired as his Golden Globes "Who would name their kid 'Jack' with 'off' at the end?" Jack Abramoff-skewering knee-slapper, still managed to have the crowd in stitches:

· Despite optimistic New Viacom CEO Tom Freston's intimation that chairman/skeletal executive presence Sumner Redstone wouldn't be as "actively involved in the day-to-day business" of his company, Redstone assures us that his bony fingers are still clamped around the throats of both Freston and CBS Corp head Les Moonves. He also says he encourages the two companies to compete—not for any business reasons, just because the bloodsport gives him pleasure. [Variety]
· Pilotmania 06 begins with the announced orders of TV series hopefuls: ABC: Six Degrees from JJ Abrams; CBS: Jericho from Jon Turteltaub and Orpheus from Ridley and Tony Scott; Fox: Faceless; NBC: Heroes from Crossing Jordan producers; UPN: Untitled drama loosely based on the life of Alicia Keys. [THR]
· DGA makes their primetime TV series awards nominations, with Grey's Anatomy and Curb Your Enthusiasm each earning two. Meanwhile, the Producer's Guild revokes their nomination of Curb Your Enthusiasm as the series did not air any original episodes within the awards deadlines. Scrubs is now the happy recipient of their nomination. This little hiccup in the awards process should be tempered by the fact that no one outside of the PGA could possibly care. [Variety, Variety ]
· Starbucks will partner with Lionsgate to market and distribute the movie Akeelah and the Bee; no word on if the partnership will expand to include baristas handing out awards screeners of Crash to anyone claiming to have a SAG membership. [THR]
· Charlize Theron is teaming up with Picturehouse and New Line to produce and star in the drama The Ice at the Bottom of the World. Perhaps disillusioned with the results of looking too hot in spandex in the bomb Aeon Flux, Theron will rough herself up again to portray a heroin addict. [Variety ]

· Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the W.C.: Snakes on a Shitter.
· Breaking! Jennifer Lopez has a big ass!
· With all due respect to Charlize Theron's crusade against the tyranny of beauty, wearing a filthy bandana and smudging some dirt on her face ain't exactly a return to Monster.
· Nanny-porking: Not just for actors anymore!
· Wonkette presents Indictment Bingo! Play along at home with your own handy scorecard.

· Gone are the days when Oscar winners were too afraid to drive their Bentleys through the dangerous ghettos of episodic television, as Charlize Theron will cruise through the rapidly gentrified neighborhood of Arrested Development for a five episode arc as a potential love interest for Jason Bateman's character. The days of lazy extended metaphors, however, are still with us. [Variety]
· Million Dollar Baby and Crash scribe Paul Haggis's heavy-handed gifts are sought out by Sony/MGM, who've signed him on for a rewrite of the James Bond pic Casino Royale. Can't wait for his version of that iconic line, "Bond. James Bond. James, like the king, and B-O-N-D—oh, shall I just write it down for you?" [THR]
· Producer Saul Zaentz, original Lord of the Rings rights-holder, reportedly squeezes another $20 million out of New Line in settling a lawsuit over the LOTR trilogy's royalties. [Variety]
· Cheri Oteri joins the cast of thousands of Richard "Donnie Darko" Kelly's Southland Tales as a "villainous lesbian bodybuilder." Strangely, we've always pictured her this way. [THR]
· Universal signs up The 40 Year-Old Virgin's Judd Apatow to write and direct another "offbeat romantic comedy," which will star longtime (Freaks and Geeks/Undeclared) muse Seth Rogen and semi-muses Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann. We have to admit, a Seth Rogen vehicle sounds kind of awesome. [Variety]