If you want your show to hit number one, we suggest you (allegedly) threaten your wife with a knife on Christmas day like Charlie Sheen. Apparently this made many more people want to watch Two and a Half Men. [NYP]

• How did World News anchor Diane Sawyer do in her first week? Better than Katie Couric, but not as well as Brian Williams. (So-so, in other words.) [NYT]
• TV news: MSNBC is taking heat for not really covering the attempted terror attack on Christmas Day; NBC News has been scolded by a journalism ethics committee; CNN's ratings were down 30 percent in 2009, more than any other cable network; and ethics-free Fox News just recorded its best year ever.
• Comedy Central has canceled The Jeff Dunham Show, thankfully. [NYT]
• Know how TV networks give you the programming for free, but pay their bills by airing commercials? Yea, well, it isn't the best business model, FYI. [AP]
• How many product placements appear in Avatar? A bunch! [Brandchannel]
• Charlie Sheen's arrest hasn't hurt ratings of Two and a Half Men. Phew! [LAT]
• How did TMZ get duped by that JFK photo? Harvey Levin isn't saying. [NYT]
• Editor & Publisher's last issue has shipped and will close down on Thu. [E&P]
• Legendary caricaturist David Levine died today. He was 83. [NYT]

• You know that New York's crime rate is at an all-time low (or it's just a really slow news week) when NYPD commissioner Ray Kelly injects himself into any investigation involving Jon Gosselin that doesn't include the reality TV trainwreck's murder. Kelly says the NYPD has yet to determine whether someone really ransacked Jon Gosselin's Upper West Side apartment last weekend, or if it was just a big publicity stunt carried out by Gosselin and/or girlfriend Hailey Glassman. But the investigation continues, he says, so rest assured a few more of your tax dollars will be spent getting to the bottom of things. [NYDN]
• The call that Charlie Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller, made to 911 on Christmas Day has been released. According to a one report, the couple's argument—in which Sheen allegedly pulled out a knife and said he'd kill her, thus landing him in the clink—was all over a Christmas present. [People, Us, E!]
• You knew Michael Lohan wasn't the world's best father or ex-husband. But he sounds like a pretty horrific fiancé, too. In newly filed court documents, Michael Lohan's ex, Erin Muller, says Lindsay Lohan's dad repeatedly abused her during their relationship, once beat her up for having a male friend on Facebook, and even kicked her "in the vagina" on one occasion. [TMZ]

This time she won't earn money for it, though. Charlie Sheen's wife's 911 call is out, and terrifying. Spencer Pratt is jealous of Jersey Shore. Paparazzi get pissed at Angelina. Come and get your Tuesday gossip!

Here's Charlie Sheen's wife's 911 call after he allegedly threatened her with a knife.

• Robert "Joe" Halderman, David Letterman's alleged extortionist, may be close to taking a plea deal. Halderman has reportedly offered to accept a one-year prison sentence in exchange for pleading guilty, although his lawyer is denying it, and any deal probably won't be finalized until incoming Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance Jr. takes office in January. [NYP]
• Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller say they're heading to counseling following Friday's arrest of Sheen on domestic violence charges. (He allegedly threatened Mueller with a knife and told her he was going to kill her.) Sheen, who was released on bond on Christmas night, also says he plans to enroll in "anger management counseling," since he's hoping to keep the marriage together. Rest assured, though, that somewhere Denise Richards is screaming, "I told you so!" [TMZ, NYDN]
• Ivana Trump was booted off a flight from Palm Beach to New York over the weekend after she cursed out a group of rowdy kids on the plane and then lashed out at several flight attendants. [P6, MSNBC]

Damn, Charlie Sheen: the slate was clean for what? Two years? Does it matter anymore? Charlie Sheen choked his wife out for Christmas. He got arrested, she's not talking to cops, he's still the highest paid actor in television.

• Friends worry Jessica Simpson is "at the lowest point of her life" now that she's lost her beloved dog, Daisy. Others say she's coping "better than her friends may realize." Either way, we she's probably feeling much better now that her friends are sharing her innermost feelings with the tabloids. [People]
• The man suspected of breaking into Lindsay Lohan's house wasn't a complete stranger: The two reportedly hung out on the set of her film Labor Pains last year. The girl's not the best judge of character, as you've probably realized by now. [TMZ]
• The drugs that were prescribed to Anna Nicole Smith amounted to "pharmaceutical suicide," according to newly unsealed court documents that were obtained by the LA Times. Most disturbing: The documents also reveal that both of Anna Nicole's doctors "transgressed professional boundaries by having sexual contact with their famous patient." [LAT]
• Michelle Obama gave Barack the silent treatment at points during his campaign for president because she was pissed about all the women throwing themselves at him, according to a new book. There was even a hot young campaign aide who was mysteriously "relocated" after developing a close relationship with the President. [NYDN, P6]
• Did you catch President Obama's appearance on Letterman last night? [MTV]

That's because Mad Men and 30 Rock will take the big prizes. For the second year in a row, shows we actually like are poised to take home the gold. Neil Patrick Harris is hosting too!

Ashley Dupre is ready for redemption! It's been a year and a half since she became the girl who took down luv gov Eliot Spitzer, and now she tells the Post she's looking forward to love, marriage, and becoming a baby mama. But let's face it: the girl hasn't always been so lucky with men. (In fairness to her, meeting an upstanding guy when you're in the escort business has got to be tough.) But since she's starting over with a clean slate these days, we thought she should start off with a fresh start romantically, too. Herewith, a list of potential suitors for the escort-turned-budding-singer.

Tila Tequila's crazy domestic abuse squabble: drank and puked out by the D.A., while Anna Wintour gets stalked by teenage crazies. Mischa Barton channels Marissa Cooper. Mayor Bloomberg might know about Lady Gaga's peener. Presenting: your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

What do celebrities dream of? If you're Charlie Sheen and Heidi Fleiss' been out of business for decades, your fantasies likely revolve around interviewing President Obama and nailing him to the floor over the Pentagon's secret role in 9/11.

New Yorker staff writer and best-selling author Malcolm Gladwell turns 46 today. Writer/director Noah Baumbach is turning 40. Charlie Sheen is 44. Former Bear Stearns chairman Ace Greenberg is 82. Novelist Kiran Desai turns 38. Veteran book editor Gary Fisketjon is turning 55. Big-time commercial director Bryan Buckley turns 46. Entertainment exec Garth Ancier is turning 52. Olympic snowboarder Shaun White is 23. Michael Huffington, the former Republican congressman and ex-husband of Arianna, is turning 62. And Adam Curry, the former MTV VJ and now a podcaster, turns 45 today.

• Paris Hilton is getting married! Well, sort of. America's original celebutard told reporters that boyfriend Doug Reinhardt is "going to be my husband," and now friends say they're planning a summer wedding in the Bahamas. These two are going to be together forever, just you wait and see. [E!]
• The Lindsay Lohan-Sam Ronson trainwreck rolls on: Ronson seems to have changed her mind and decided she no longer wants a restraining order; LiLo says she's "devastated" by the breakup and that everyone has turned on her. Now Lohan's friends say they're worried she's suicidal. [People, Us, TMZ]
• You didn't expect Michael Lohan to pass up a PR opportunity, did you? He says he's cleared his schedule and put aside his "numerous commitments" to help Lindsay through this crisis. [OK!]
• Madonna isn't taking her legal defeat in Malawi very well: Not only did she send her kids to stay with Guy Ritchie so she could "drown her sorrows" with Stella McCartney, she wore an "uncharacteristically mumsy outfit," too, which can't possibly be a good sign. [Sun, DM]

• Madonna won't be leaving Malawi with a baby after all: A judge listed a residency requirement as the reason why he rejected her adoption petition, although there's still a possibility Madonna will appeal the ruling. [People, E!]
• These are tough times for Kelly Killoren Bensimon. The "Real Housewife," who was arrested a couple of weeks ago for allegedly beating up her boyfriend, now just lost her Saks modeling gig. [P6]
• Andre Balazs appears to have a new special someone in his life. He was spotted making out with beer heiress Daphne Guinness the other night. [P6]

• Lindsay Lohan certainly had an eventful weekend. After a judge issued a warrant for her arrest on Friday, Lindsay had a meltdown on Twitter and ended up in a fight with Sam Ronson that was so intense, the cops had to be called. It's not over yet: She's scheduled to appear in court today, although she may not show. [People, Gawker, TMZ, NYP]
• Olivia Palermo isn't making friends in her Tribeca apartment building. She strutted past the people gathered in the lobby last Thursday "completely oblivious" to the fact that one of the building's apartments was on fire. [P6]
• Gwyneth Paltrow and her trainer Tracy Anderson are having trouble finding people to pay $4,500 to join their new Tribeca gym. What a surprise. [P6]

• Hope you're sitting down for this one. Donald Trump Jr. and his wife Vanessa had a baby yesterday. It was a boy. And he will now bear a burden for the rest of his life: His parents named him Donald J. Trump III. [People]
• Lindsay Lohan is launching a self-tanning line called Stay Gold. Finally! [NYDN]
• "Real Housewife" Bethenny Frankel was spotted using coupons at a hair salon. [P6]
• After dating for about half a century, Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart may finally be ready to get hitched. [Cindy Adams]
• Please note that Walter Cronkite is not related to social/art scenester Kipton Cronkite, despite his claims to the contrary. [P6]

Pictured, tautly manboobed sexagenarian Sylvester Stallone, toasting Planet Hollywood's purchase of Buca di Beppo, who plan on extending the movie motif to the Italian chain by rechristening it Apastalypse Now.

Mickey Rourke's paycheck: less than 1/3 of Charlie Sheen's. [/film]

♦ Guy Ritchie supposedly cried after seeing son Rocco wearing a Yankees t-shirt this week. So sensitive! Or maybe not so much: Ritchie also reportedly described Madonna as "old, fat, ugly and wrinkled," and said she couldn't sing. [Us, NYDN]
♦ Not only did Lindsay Lohan's stint on Ugly Betty get cut short because she didn't get along with America Ferrera, LiLo clashed with everyone else on set, too. Also, she enjoys snipping out photos of herself from the tabloids. [P6]
♦ Jennifer Aniston's publicist is denying she's pregnant. [ET]
♦ Gossip Girl's Taylor Momsen spent four days in the hospital with a "potentially life-threatening throat-infection." But she was miraculously cured and released yesterday afternoon. [Us]