Charlie Sheen was just like, "Screw it, I'm moving in with my hooker." Lindsay Lohan is no longer marketable. Britney Spears' nipples cause consternation. Jon Gosselin would like to sell you a car. Saturday's Gossip roundup is learning the ropes.

Gwyneth won't play Nicole's wife in a movie because Kidman dissed her. Lindsay Lohan is more than $500,000 in debt. Sandra Bullock is in trouble again. Jennifer Aniston is going to direct. Monday's gossip is a damsel in distress.

Larry King plans to fight his wife in court. Charlie Sheen's wife moves out. Kiefer Sutherland is ejected from a strip club. Kim Kardashian has a new boyfriend. Ricky Martin may make a porn. Friday's gossip readies for date night.

Now that Charlie Sheen is supposedly back on coke and hookers, it's clear there are a bunch of stars out there who are at risk of ruining their lives due to drugs, booze, and other bad behavior.

Heidi Montag says Adam DiVello touched her plastic body inappropriately. The Larry-King-had-sex-with-his-sister-in-law drama continues. Cindy Adams loves Jersey Shore. Charlie Sheen shaved his head and Kate Hudson got a boob job. Thursday's gossip wants its old body back.

Which celeb has Cammie been sneaking around with? Why is Charlie Sheen wearing a disguise to have an affair? Is Madonna really sending the kids to public school? How much did Eliot Spitzer spend on hookers? Wednesday's gossip is puzzled.

Did he leave because Sandy left him? Tiger's security guards against Uchitel. Charlie Sheen can't afford to quit his terrible TV show. Jessica Alba plans to adopt. Easter Sunday's gossip roundup will rise again.

The walking tragedy that is LiLo takes a turn for the cringe-worthy. Charlie Sheen wants to quit his TV show. Michael Douglas laments his wilting libido. Tiger's kindergarten teacher has Gloria Allred on retainer and "feelings" to "express." TGIFriday gossip.

Mrs. Pratt's bikini top overfloweth and the paparazzi goes wild. What caused the Winslet-Mendes divorce? Ashley Dupre sets her hair on fire while posing naked. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt dares to wear pants. Wednesday gossip is full of risks.

She just can't forgive Tiger for sleeping with a porn actress. Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz reunited. Michael Jackson signs a deal from beyond the grave. Every New Yorker hates Brooke Shields. Tuesday's gossip is not taking it anymore.

An "intuitive psychic" healer named Aiden is her new manager. James Brown's body goes missing from its crypt. Socialite shocked to discover racism, anti-semitism, homophobia make you unpopular. Corey Haim died of a too-big heart. Friday gossip is so alone.

The whole Charlie Sheen-Brooke Mueller saga just keeps getting sadder. Now Radar is reporting that Mueller is addicted to crack and has been in rehab more than five times. Question: Who is watching their 11-month-old twin sons these days? [Radar]

Natalie Portman makes a road trip film about drugs. Drugs could null Charlie Sheen's contract. Drew Barrymore is a whalehugger. Zoolander 2 is on the move. Winter storm warning: The Trade roundup is expected to bring 5-10 inches of AWESOME.

Oprah's chocolate set didn't escape Jimmy Kimmel's attention and he addressed the ridiculousness on last night's show by saying, "See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." Also getting slammed were Charlie Sheen and Kirstie Alley, because why not?

Wife-beating actor Charlie Sheen has checked into rehab as a "preventative measure." Witness the ingenious invention of a new celebrity phenomenon: Prehab. A guide to the four advantages it provides over actual rehab.

Matt Damon Will Play Jack's little brother in a biopic. Emily Post's Etiquette to be made into highly proper film. Jason Segal joins the Farrelly Brothers. The Olympics' ratings domination is done. Trade roundup's problems are not software-related.

Not to be outdone by wife Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen has checked himself into rehab as "a preventative measure." Sorry, Charlie, it's not going to prevent us from remembering you threatened Brooke with a knife. Also, Toonces did not drive him to treatment.

Papa Lohan's acting out coincided with LiLo's "rock bottom." The search for Andrew Koenig continues. Russell Brand leaves Katy Perry "bedridden" for days. Lady Gaga wants to make babies with her stylist. Tuesday gossip is in need of a father figure.

• Alex Rodriguez's plan to bed every woman in Hollywood continues apace. The Yankee and Cameron Diaz are now hooking up, according to OK!, although now that the news is out, he's probably already moved on to someone new. Which is too bad, really, since RodDiaz has a nice ring to it. [OK!]
• Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, was charged with involuntary manslaughter yesterday. (He pleaded not guilty and faces up to four years behind bars if convicted.) At the arraignment, prosecutors asked that Murray's medical license be revoked, but a judge turned down the request, so if you've been wondering what it's like to get pumped up with propofol, you still have time. [NYP, TMZ]
• It's been a busy week for Angelina Jolie. Yesterday she and Brad Pitt said they plan to sue Britain's News of the World for reporting that they're planning to divorce. And today she's off to Haiti to meet with earthquake victims, since they've been requesting her help—or so she says. [Us, PE]
• She may have spent every episode of Jersey Shore whining about not having a boyfriend, but Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi seems to have landed the man of her dreams: a "typical guido juicehead with a good personality," who also has waxed eyebrows, double-pierced ears, and a penchant for Ed Hardy. [NYDN]
• Despite recent reports that Donald and Melania Trump are having marriage troubles, The Donald says "all is well." Then again he said the same thing when his casinos were going bankrupt and his real estate holdings were imploding, so you may want to take his denial with a grain of salt. [People]

• Lots of celebs turned out for the Super Bowl in Miami. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were there (and were spotted "kissing, hugging and laughing," so if you were worried that they'd broken up, you can rest easy). Also on hand was Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (who were chased by photographers), Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, and John Travolta, who couldn't even be bothered to stay for the entire game. [DM, The Sun, Popeater]

• Is the cast of Jersey Shore getting a little overexposed? Just a little! MTV is now looking to clamp down on their efforts to "pimp themselves" at bars and colleges around the country and has informed them that they're each limited to two appearances a week and need permission from the network before accepting any gigs. [P6, NYDN]

• In other Jersey Shore news, Jenni "JWoww" Farley is planning to "enhance" her ginormous fake boobs "as soon as possible to be ready for the new season," you'll be pleased to hear. [P6]