Listen, kids: Your dream of growing up to be a famous hockey goon and Vogue intern can all be scuttled by obliquely referring to Elisha Cuthbert as a cum dumpster. Sean Avery has fallen!

Us Weekly ate up Hills "stars" Spencer and Heidi's story that they got married on the spur of the moment while on vacation in Mexico. A photographer just happened to be there to capture their beautiful declarations of love! Heidi just happened to have a white, full-length Balenciaga sundress lying around that doubled perfectly as a wedding gown! But the AP is asking if they're actually now husband and wife or if the whole thing was just another elaborate Speidi photo op.The Us story, the AP notes, "does not address whether they obtained a marriage license or took part in a separate civil ceremony, which is required by Mexican law to make the union binding. A couple can register their marriage up to 10 days after a ceremony, but California does not recognize marriage ceremonies outside the United States." Could it have even happened in under an hour, like Speidi claimed? "Americans who wish to get married in Mexico must first go through a process that takes about five days, according to Mexico's foreign relations department Web site. They must obtain a health certificate, including blood test results from a local doctor; and provide official translations of legal documents, such as birth certificates." In a statement issued via Us (wtf?) the allegedly happy couple came pretty close to acknowledging that they hadn't done any of that, saying "like other elopements that happen outside the country, we'll take care of the legal details when we get home." Their publicist was all know-nothing about it, adding, " "If there was a wedding I wasn't invited ... Sorry!" We're sure the meticulously-documented event had nothing whatsoever to do with the next season of The Hills—even though MTV also just happened to be there, filming their vacation. They'd never exploit such a loving, personal moment.

Yesterday we pointed out that our nation's current idiot president, George "W" Bush, had made the unlikely move of commuting the cocaine-smuggling sentence of a rapper—a black man, with unruly hair!—because that rapper, John Forte, went to fancy prep school Exeter, and being a prep school cokehead is something Bush can relate to. Friends, we firmly believe in the accuracy of this macroanalysis. But even more amusing is the micro-analysis, because the chain of events that caused the union-busting Republican Mormon Sen. Orrin Hatch to become a fierce advocate of the (allegedly) coke-slinging producer of The Fugees is just what America is all about: Step One: John Forte goes to Exeter, makes friends with Carly Simon's kid, then makes friends with Carly Simon. Step Two: John Forte goes to jail. Step Three: Carly Simon records one of Orrin Hatch's soulful ballads and then is like "Okay now you owe me, old man."

The odd mini-profile on Prince that ran in the most recent New Yorker's "Talk of the Town" section made a big splash, mostly because of Prince's religious pronouncements of going door-to-door as a Jehovah's witness and remarks concluding that being gay was wrong. However, his flack went to Perez Hilton and said that Prince had been "grossly misquoted" and accused the writer of the piece, Claire Hoffman, of not using a tape recorder. ("How unprofessional!" Perez squealed.) The New Yorker stood by their story in a confirmation to Wired. But turns out there was a very good reason the interview wasn't recorded: Hoffman explains in an interview that Prince "wouldn’t let me use a tape recorder or my notepad."The quote that got Prince in trouble was, in response to a question about gay marriage and abortion, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out." So, how did Hoffman get that? She explains, "I walked out and sat in my car and wrote for an hour. I don’t have long chunks of dialogue, but I was able to remember stuff." Forbidding a writer of making any record of an interview is a pretty canny move for a celebrity—he can claim to be "misquoted" on anything he didn't like. It's her recollection against his. And given that the Prince version (via Perez) — "What His Purpleness actually did was gesture to the Bible and said he follows what it teaches, referring mainly to the parts about loving everyone and refraining from judgment." — sounds like P.R. puffery, we're going with Hoffman here and Prince is, as usual, DOING IT RONG. [Via Emdashes]

Oh my God, shut up, Tim Robbins! There are few people more insufferable than rich, self-righteous Hollywood liberals. Remember how he thought his name was taken off the voting rolls on November 4 and threw a fit that drew the cops—when the real problem, explained the New York Times very patiently, was that he had showed up to the wrong voting place? He's still traumatized (the rest of us have moved on with our lives), and has written an "open letter" on Huffington Post—the LiveJournal for celebrities—to the Board of Elections:Robbins' letter, in part:

Obama's plan to have a cabinet full of politico-celebrity superstars is turning out to be the least successful Obama plan ever. Already, Al Gore and Colin Powell have taken themselves out of consideration. That was a major emotional blow, because they are both known to get the party started right. And now former Time Warner chief Dick Parsons, one of the most successful black men in corporate America (by some standards), has taken himself out of consideration too. And he wasn't even asked!

Did Barack or Michelle deliver some stern words to Billy Ray Cyrus after he invited the Obama children to be on the Hannah Montana show anytime they wanted? After all, we begged the Obamas not to do it—too much potentially damaging child-star drama!—and now Miley's Dad seems to be backtracking. Billy "Achy Breaky Heart" Ray sounds chastened:

What's a really fast shortcut to addiction? Being a child star. Remember Full House, the lovably terrible situation comedy about the whitebread-dorky Tanner family, whose cast included infants Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen? Jodi Sweetin—the actress who played young Stephanie for eight years—went through meth-addiction hell and lived what she called a "double life." She's since gotten married, had a child, and acted in an indie TV pilot, Small Bits of Happiness. Today, reports the Observer, Sweetin signed with Simon and Schuster for an addiction memoir. The price was "in the six figures"—America loves a redemption/celeb combo! (Click for a video of Jodie's best work on Full House, which very well may have led to her urge to smoke just about anything.)

Internal drama at baby picture factory OK! magazine? You don't say! Richard Desmond, the crappy celebrity mag's billionaire owner, brought in former Wenner Media exec Kent Brownridge to be GM of the American version of OK! just a couple of months ago. But apparently Brownridge hasn't been able to make any money yet, and it's making the Brit Desmond mad enough to get on a plane to the distasteful nation of America!: A tipster tells us:

John McCain was right. So was Bonnie Fuller, and so were we! President Elect Barack Obama has totally become not just the great mixed-race hope for the nation, but he and his family have also evolved into tabloid-worthy celebrities. He and his wife Michelle are, in fact, "the new Brangelina." Well, that's according to Albert Lee, an editor for the bright Queen of all Glossies, Us Weekly. He recently explained to CNN that the Obamas are just what sells right now. The latest issue featuring the happy and now victorious couple smiling on the cover moved over one million copies. Because, he surmises, "everything else seems totally irrelevant right now." Which is true! But, what does this mean for American politics and, more importantly, American celebrity? We never quite got the thrust of those McCain ads that compared the senator from Illinois to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. People actually seem to be kind of into that idea. There's something almost Main Streety about not just knowing the business of an administration's policies, but also knowing where they ate, what they wore, and what those adorable little girls are up to. Plus, the old, gross vanguard of hedonistic celebrities is dead anyway. And here, as the glorious new replacements, are some nice do-gooders to focus on. It's like the Kennedys all over again! Except, you know, hopefully with a different ending. Hear Mr. Lee elaborate in his own words below.

It's hard times for online media, and any twit with an idea and some bandwidth is no longer guaranteed an audience. With that in mind, actress Gwyneth Paltrow might want to get out before it's too late—or before she embarrasses herself further. Her puzzling soft-launched, minimalistic website—Goop.com (gross)—is about "nourish[ing] the inner aspect" and telling us how to live. (She already thinks we want her to tell us to vote.) In fact, the website is almost completely devoid of content, but we just received a GOOP e-newsletter, with quiet wisdom straight from Gwyneth.

What's the point of having a "Climate Czar" if it won't be Al Gore? The rich and chunky Tennessean has taken himself out of the running for the made-up position in Obama's cabinet, meaning it will probably go to some dead-ender ex-governor who never even won an Academy Award. Is this the beginning of the end of Obama's alleged "Celebrity Cabinet" plan? We're going to say yes, and thank god for that. Remember a couple of days ago when that flowchart of unknown provenance came out that allegedly showed the frontrunners for all the cabinet positions, and they were all like political superstars? But then Colin Powell took himself out of the running for the Secretary of Education, and Gore is out, and do people really want RFK, Jr. running the Environmental Protection Agency? If you're going that route, why not Captain Planet? Why not Aquaman? Other bad-idea frontrunners on that chart: Screamin' Howard Dean for Health and Human Services, Smilin' Bill Richardson for Dept. of the Interior, and NYC police head Ray Kelly for Homeland Security. It's like the lineup of ABC's Sunday morning talk show! Also John Kerry and Chuck Hagel and Tom Daschle and every other politician that any significant portion of Americans have heard of is on that list. Barack Obama doesn't need a celebrity cabinet. He's the celebrity. Any further political celebrities require air, water, and attention that should be reserved for Barack Obama and his lovely family and a dog to be named later. [Pic via MSNBC]

Kickass British-Sri Lankan performer and former refugee M.I.A. doesn't seem like a diva, but her tour rider—recently procured by the Smoking Gun—indicates otherwise. Her "2008 Hospitality Rider" demands a very specific assortment of cheeses, as well as various "ORGANIC" foodstuffs and those gold-foil-wrapped Ferrero Rocher chocolates. Things, we might add, you'd have trouble finding in the middle of a life-affirming war. But, hey, she's pregnant, so we'll chalk it up to weird cravings rather than stocking her backstage with the most yuppie selection of snacks ever.

Did you know there were stories in Wednesday's New York Times that weren't about the election? Mike Birbiglia, a fairly successful actor-comedian who got a great break—a profile in the Times for his new off-Broadway show. That profile ended up running on November 5th, the one day people actually wanted to buy newspapers. Remember that? People were lining up around the block to snag a copy of that day's Times. As he explains on 23/6, he couldn't even find a freaking copy to send to his mom!

We've been following the development of Real World Brooklyn closely, watching as they cavort all over the gentrified parts of the borough. Now that the trailer's out, It may be the most melodramatic Real World yet: you have an ex-solider admitting to killing people, a virgin Mormon accused of being gay, somebody putting a rodent in someone's bed, a dude talking about getting beaten bloody by his dad, and another guy smashing a glass coffee table. And that's only the two-minute preview! Click to watch.Click to view

[Cokey model Kate Moss proceeds up a staircase and away from an unknown disturbance. Pic via X17. Click to enlarge.]

How did fameballs get famous in 18th-century Britain? They died! Now that we have the Internet, you don't have to wait for your own death to get written up in the papers—you can publish all your career-killing overshares yourself. But back then, "research by the University of Warwick shows [that] death gave birth to the modern cult of celebrity, as the sudden rise in the popularity of obituaries of unusual people in the 1700s provided people with the... equivalent of a celebrity gossip magazine," says Eureka Alert. It was often the eccentrics "from all walks of life" that people loved to read about, such as a man who would "hire himself out to impersonate a doctor and tell fortunes in a fur cap, a large white beard and a worn damask night gown." Hm, what sort of eccentrics would we write about today in those obits? Perhaps a girl from the Midwest who came to the big city, and whose quest for any sort of fame involved buying 180 candy bars, removing the wrappers, and stitching them together to make an eye-catching outfit:

Democrats must be particularly anxious today after eight years of Bush. Tim Robbins, actor-director, partner of Susan Sarandon, and a poster child of Hollywood liberalism, was edgier than normal as he waited to cast his vote this morning. Writes in a tipster, who sadly didn't have a cameraphone: "My friend is waiting to vote at the YMCA on 14th between 6th and 7th... Tim Robbins is making a scene, apparently yelling at some dude. And now the police were called and arrived about 10 minutes ago..." What was that all about?

Everybody's in line to vote right now, and cellphone cams are sure to make this one of the most citizen-documented voting days in history. In line at 71st Street polling station in Manhattan, it's the cutest Irish-American voter ever—late-night talk show host Conan O'Brien. (Photo courtesy of commenter Clarence Rosario.)

Lydia's Halloween costume is what's killing print. The publishing heiress and model referenced her recent little scandal of quitting her "column" in Page Six magazine by dressing up as the tabloid for a party last night. Cute, Lydia—but Britney Spears wore this exact same costume years and years ago:Update: "I am Lydia's PR. don't you get it? She is being Britany !!!! that was her costume? can't you tell that they are wearing the same outfit? Duh Gawker!!!!" (When we finally get the juice to hire a PRgay, we're gonna go with one who uses periods and questions marks properly?)