Bush-pardoned rapper John Forte is finally home, and he's already making new music! We are truly happy for him, so we will just make three gentle points about his "video":

This morning we told you about internet microcelebrity Hilary Rowland, the modelesque blond fond of name-dropping and self promotion. But who is she, really? Time for a field guide!

Sheila Nevins, HBO documentary films president and overall entertainment industry big shot, was very mad she couldn't watch Obama's inauguration live from her first class airplane seat. But were the cops and lawyers necessary?

Tribune Co. Chief InnLOLvation Officer Lee Abrams has a new memo! "CELEBRITY CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY...We can't underestimate our importance these days. We can change this cultural disease." Both of those assertions are false.

On the Today show, Hoda and Kathie Lee took suggestions from Facebook friends. One was for Hoda to date Anderson Cooper. Awkward pause... "Interesting idea....," stifled laughter. They believe he is homosexual, you see.

Good lord. New York Knicks center Eddy Curry was hit with a shady gay sexual harassment lawsuit earlier this month. And yesterday the mother of his child was murdered, in front of the child.

New book Six Degrees of Paris Hilton profiles Darnell Riley, a shady criminal and pseudo-celebrity hanger-on who knows many wicked Hollywood-sleaze secrets. The tome spins many damning stories about the hood-lidded socialite's sordid existence.

Are you aware that reading the pop sociology of Malcolm Gladwell will turn you into a Certified Player (of women)? It's true! Real live pickup artist "The Don" reveals Gladwell's seductive lessons:

Hero co-pilot of the Hudson Jeff Skiles, who was right there in the cockpit when Primary Hero Chesley Sullenberger landed that plane in the river, is finally breaking his silence! He's in the tank.

Former French president Jacques Chirac was, as the gleeful British press puts it, "mauled by his own 'clinically depressed' pet dog." He — and French stereotypes — are expected to make a full recovery.

John McCain was indeed right. Barack Obama, our glorious just-out-of-the-box new president, is nothing more than a common celebrity. Just look at today's famous person gossip rags.

In 1979, a hirstute Madonna posed nude for Lee Friedlander. You can buy the photo for an estimated $15,000 at Christies, just in time for Valentine's day. Or just look at it for free. [Christies]

McCain couldn't beat Obama by painting him as a celebrity. He is a celebrity, and people love it! But other celebrities are getting greedy now. They're trying to work their way into the Obama cabinet.

VIBE declares that its February Kanye West cover is "the only in-depth cover story interview granted to any major magazine surrounding the release of his controversial album, 808s & Heartbreak." But is it?

Magazines! Nightclub appearances! The once easy-access revenue stream for desperate celebrities is swiftly drying up in the shadow of this New Depression.

Oh hey, former celebrity magazine editor Bonnie Fuller is still writing some of the internet's columns most inexplicable columns, about celebrity issues. Today she answers the secret question: Why do celebs always die on vacation?

Uh-oh: it's the brand-new blog of Lindsay Lohan father/religious fanatic/jailed DUI-er Michael Lohan. Don't hope for gossip, however: "let me say that this website is NOT about Lindsay or Samantha."

Did anyone receive a new calendar for Christmas? (I got a puppy one.) Perhaps you received the Sarah Palin 2009 calendar—it's the #1 most popular "Office Product" on Amazon!

Sadly, suicides (and pet deaths) rise during the holidays. John Costelloe, the actor best known for playing Johnny Cakes on the Sopranos, was found dead in from a self-inflicted gunshot to the head.

We gotta hand it to actor Jeremy Piven: 'mercury poisoning,' unlike 'exhaustion' or 'dehydration,' is an excuse we've never heard from a celeb. Let's help diagnose him—what could have caused it?