British former reality TV star and current terminal cancer patient Jade Goody is a national obsession. She will die soon. But not soon enough for OK! magazine.

Radio-talking Marlboro Man doppelganger Don Imus, a famous racist, has cancer. He announced it on his show this morning:

While America's new president is totally cool with you smoking weed, other countries are not so lucky. Did you know Japan is like a dark ages bizarro world that is shocked by ganja? It's true!

The outcry over New York Post cartoonist Sean Delonas' dead monkey cartoon today is growing louder. But he has such a rich history! We assembled ten of his all-time classics of hate:

That hirstute Madonna nude photo sold for $37,500, more than double its estimate. A-Rod's having a happy Valentine's! True trivia: Madonna got paid $25 for the shoot. Not even enough for Nair. [BBC, Previously]

Today in shockingly vague celebrity gossip: a "disturbed loser" with a kinky ex, a divorcing TV actress, a singer who enjoys sex, and an actress who wants publicity. Get right out of town!

Fashion Week this year will just be full of commoners and riff-raff, because people are scalping "tickets" for it all over Craigslist! The five priciest—and five cheapest—"tickets" below. Buy some for the hobos!

Octo-mom has a website, and it's just horrific. Sorry. [Urgh]

Yea, they thought it was so cool to hang out and take bong hits with Olympic champ Michael Phelps. Until the freaking sheriff started arresting everybody for it. Thanks a lot, Phelps.

Page Six Magazine is folding, but not before they stroke the egos of anyone who could maybe give them a job with this here list of NYC's 50 Hottest Bachelors. Five problematic entries:

Who took that photo of dolphin-boy Michael Phelps hitting a bong? Who cares? It's no worse than that photo of you in college, licking liquid acid off a naked mule. But the media is investigating!

Every celebrity believes that if they unleash their genius unto the world in the form of a fashion line or fragrance, their many fans will make it a natural hit. They're so wrong.

Cold-eyed Hipsterwood blowjob recipient and woman-threatener Vincent Gallo is going to be appearing in some ads for H&M! A perfect fit, in Bizarro World. And, under "Too Good To Check": he calls bloggers GAY:

Harry Knowles of Ain't It Cool News, desperate to be the fanboy in Christian Bale's good graces, has posted a vehement defense of the actor's crazed on-set rant. It was the DP's fault!

Even football players get peed on from time to time. Also: Britney, Brandon Davis, and lesbian love!

Canadian math professor Jason Brown has defied experts who postulated that it would never be possible for a mathematician to blow years of his life studying minute trivia about the Beatles.

Do not get it twisted, people: Kanye West's "personal barber and image consultant" Ibn Jasper will not hesitate to shoot you directly in the head with Glock 9. Now that he's back from Fashion Week.

Martha Stewart recently had one of her favoritest florists, Peter Seprish, on her show to discuss flower arranging. You associate with shady characters, Martha! Peter Seprish, a.k.a. Peter Party, is an awful white rapper.

Page Six Magazine, the glossy spinoff of the gossip column stuffed in your New York Post every weekend, is cutting back to just four issues a year. Because of money, yes.

Celebrity-friendly photo-heavy gossip rag OK! just can't find any stability in this cold world! Its latest editor has been fired, just months after taking over. (Updated below)