Despite flack Liz Rosenberg's smokescreen disavowals, it would appear that Madonna's Mission of Mercy™ to the impoverished African nation of Malawi also doubled as a baby-shopping spree, as the AP is now reporting that the latter-day, cone-bra'd Christ figure has signed all the necessary paperwork to adopt a motherless toddler:
The mystery of whether or not late-to-the-party Third World do-gooder Madonna has in fact adopted a Malawian orphan continues to deepen. Initially, Reuters reported that she had called ahead and requested that officials ready a selection of orphaned boys from the AIDS-ravaged African state, one of whom she'd take home with her. Dutiful flack Liz Rosenberg quickly discounted the story, claiming Madonna's trip was purely a charity mission and that she had no plans to adopt. Now, a Malawi father tells the AP that his semi-orphaned son was in fact the lucky one-year-old plucked from a destitute existence of famine and disease to lead a life of almost inconceivable privilege, albeit tempered with the regular humilation of having a mom who insists on picking them up from soccer practice wearing nothing but cameltoe-baring leotards:
Genetically flawless area do-gooders Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, perhaps swept up in the excitement of one of Jolie's euphoric bipolar upswings that not even a marathon copulation session managed to quell, have been on something of a spending spree lately. But unlike the time Jolie pulled out an AmEx Black card at a shoddily managed African game preserve and insisted on purchasing an entire herd of elephants no matter the cost, we doubt next month's credit card statement will elicit another paralyzing wave of buyer's remorse:
There comes a moment in every aging pop icon's life when, amidst one of their more spectacularly mounted bids to remain relevant, they look out among a sea of worshippers as they hang from a giant, mirror-encrusted cross, and think to themselves: "Is this it?" For Madonna, that moment is now, as she tells Time magazine that she has finally found a "big, big project" through which to focus all the strange, foreign impulses she's had over the past couple decades to, like, do something for someone besides herself:
Britney Spears' Dateline interview gave us a rare, publicist-unaltered glimpse into the vast, open plains of her inner consciousness, while shedding some much needed light on what exactly it is that she sees in husband Kevin Federline ("He's very simple...He's so simple...His simplicity..."). That would have been enough for us to declare him the catch of the century, but there's also the matter of K-Fed's tireless philanthopic work. A press release in our inbox announces a live appearance by Federline in Times Square tomorrow, standing alongside the anti-Federline, self-made billionaire Sir Richard Branson. The cause? Saving the penny "in face of its possible legislative elimination," an odd choice to say the least, though we suppose there's no one more appropriate than Federline to stand up for near-worthless space-wasters.
