"He was trying to kill me," 52-year-old Inwood resident Marta Hevia said of her cat Aqua after the 2-year-old feline went so crazy attacking her that she called the cops. For some reason, The New York Daily News was on hand to photograph the harrowing event. Aqua shattered a window pane while trying to evade arrest.

Here's a short but sweet palate-cleansing story: lost hiker Margaret Page was stranded for three and a half weeks in a New Mexico forest. In order to stay alive, she cuddled with her cat Miya in her sleeping bag — both were able to brave below-freezing temperatures.

America's screaming, LOLCat conscience has finally found a suitable outlet in Hank, a Virginia cat that is running for Senate. Hank, an independent, is running against former Virginia governors George Allen and Tim Kaine. If you're feeling inspired, you can sign up to be one of Hank's volunteer phone bankers here, and then you can seek psychological help elsewhere.

Nothing to see here folks, just your typical Sphynx cat broadcasting "carpe diem" from his be-tatted chest. It's a cattoo! This man should be punished not just for animal abuse, but also for his poor taste in tattoos.

A serial cat murderer is on the prowl in Somerset, England, and he's recently struck his 34th victim. The killer has been lacing different food with anti-freeze, first using biscuits and cat food and now chicken. The 34 murders have taken place over the past four years.

The public relations industry often seems like a vast sea of ineptitude, studded with fetid islands of grotesquerie. No more so than when approaching Valentine's Day. This is PR Dummies. The worst of the worst, on a weekly basis.

"What If All the Cats in the World Suddenly Died?" Yahoo News asked today. Intrigued by this mysterious world without cats (What would we put bread on?) I clicked the link and found myself at Life's Little Mysteries, a LiveScience sister site dedicated to answering search-engine optimized questions of childlike wonderment like "Why are there holes in 'Swiss' cheese?" and "Who Will Succeed Kim Jong-Il?" (Trick question. Can't be answered.)

Thank you to everyone who's sent in a picture of your cat "breading"—i.e., his or her head inside a piece of bread. The meme that everyone's talking about is just starting to take off.

Forget planking. All the cool kids are putting their cats in bread and taking pictures of them looking like little yeasty lions. "Breading" is a throw-back to the old Japanese "putting-food-on-rabbits" meme of the early viral web, but with a modern twist.

It's like hey, dogs, we get it. You hate cats. Fine. We heard you the first time and the second time and the one millionth time, with the barking. Maybe you should bark at a cat again? No, you should shut up!

Jake Burris, campaign manager for Arkansas 3rd District congressional candidate Ken Aden, returned home with his family last night and found their cat lying dead on the front porch with "LIBERAL"scrawled across its side. The cat, according to Aden's campaign, "had one side of its head bashed in to the point the cat's eyeball was barely hanging from its socket." You can view the somewhat disturbing photo here. (You can't make out the bashed-in head or danging eyeball, fortunately.)

A billionaire tycoon from China named Long Liyuan died suddenly and mysteriously two days before Christmas. The only clue: a still-steaming bowl of half-eaten cat stew. Could it be? No, it's simply too easy, too dastardly, altogether too meowtrageous! But it's true: The cat stew was poisoned!

New painkiller! Holiday eating! Gum health! Infant drugs! Fat ladies! Swine flu! Coma boy! Allergy cats! And a foolproof stop smoking plan that just might work! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—fatalistically!

Cover Miss Beasley's ears, because this might disturb her: pets simply are not affordable any longer. Dogs, cats—run free! And good luck out there.

According to Wendy Williams and this other lady whose parents must be very proud of her for becoming a "pet fashion stylist," it is very trendy and important to dress your dog up for Halloween because there are a lot of events you both should be attending.

Isn't it frustrating when some furry cat goes and leaves its hair all your clothes, complicating your efforts to present a cleaner and tidier You? Doesn't it make you want to just, I don't know, murder the cat with a pen, or choke it, or both? No?

Cats and the internet: They go together like peanut butter and jelly. But until now, we could only enjoy online cats in the most passive of ways. No more! Thanks to the iPet Companion, you can control robotic cat toys at humane shelters around the country with the click of a computerized mouse! You can even move the camera around. It's really fun!

Anna Faris' husband, fellow actor (and Parks and Rec costar) Chris Pratt, is getting a lot of heat on Twitter because he used the social networking Penny Saver to give away the couple's 15-year-old cat away. Now that all the friends of felines are hitting him back, he's making it even worse.

Meet "Frankie and Louie," a 12-year-old cat with two faces and two names. Guinness World Records says he is the world's longest-living Janus cat. (Fun fact: That is what they call two-faced cats, on account of two-faced Roman god Janus.) Most Janus cats die within hours of their births.

Remember meth-addled Geraldo Martinez, who killed a cat by throwing it out of a seventh-story window after having sex with it? He pleaded guilty to animal torture and received a two-year sentence. The judge dismissed a bestiality charge, because why?