Sir Stuffington is a cat pirate. As legend has it, he sailed the high seas in search of buried catnip treasure, conquered doggy islands, and raided mouse villages. He lost his right eye in a swordfight with a flock of mutated seagulls and broke his jaw in battle with a sea monster. In fact, he was one of the most feared feline plunderers in kitty-pirate history—until one fateful night, when his lady love's captors spayed and neutered her, and the distraught Sir Stuffington got so drunk he crashed his ship.

A pair of high school students from South Portland, Maine, have been summonsed by police to face animal cruelty charges after recording footage of themselves allegedly microwaving a cat, and then uploading that footage to Vine.

Two adult men dressed in super hero costumes—Captain American and Batman to be exact—rescued a cat from a burning home in Milton, West Virginia on Saturday, proving finally that adult men dressed in super hero costumes are actually good for something.

What do you get when you mix a comic artist, a three-legged kitten, a whole bunch of construction paper, and plenty of free time? The Internet.

The world's most famous feline mayor remains in critical condition today after being mauled by a dog while strolling through his hometown of Talkeetna, Alaska.

John CATSimatidis, NYC Mayoral candidate and renowned cat poet, actually meowed at constituents along yesterday's Labor Day parade in Queens: “'Meow!' he shouted along the parade route. 'Meow!'"

Yesterday, a very important NYC thing happened: Two kittens halted the subway's B and Q lines for an hour. How could two feline urchins so rudely interrupt the necessary flow of human transport? the bad people wondered. Ooooh, kitties! the good people cooed.

Two kittens, living out an urban/feline version of The Tale of Peter Rabbit, took a Subway Adventure earlier today and caused the MTA to halt subways on the B and Q lines for an hour.

Two new paintings by former president George W. Bush, published for the first time here on Gawker, give us a new window into the ongoing development of the tortured artist/torture advocate—and opens the possibility for a new phase in his oeuvre: cats.

With record numbers of Americans keeping dogs and cats as pets, we are plagued by many unwelcome consequences. House cats are inflicting brain damage on their human hosts with a feline disease spread through the animals' fecal matter, which people store in their homes—usually in the kitchen. When the cats are sent outdoors to defecate, they kill staggering numbers of wild birds, leaving many of our cities without any avian life beyond the feral pigeons roosting safely upon the ledges of tall buildings. Then there are the dogs, which use the entire city as one great, unflushable toilet. There are valid arguments against the existence of all dogs, but even animal lovers can agree we need to do something drastic about the "toy breeds."

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions (max: 200 words) to caity@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

LOL the New York Review of Books dresses up a piece about cat videos with some fancy words from this "Martin Scorsese" dude.

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions to caity.weaver@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

An Oklahoma woman allegedly attempted to stab her neighbor Monday afternoon, reportedly shouting, “Do you want to die?” as she did so. When police asked the woman about the the attempted stabbing, she replied: "I had sex with my cat and everyone knows."

The disgruntled angerbeast known as Grumpy Cat is the latest non-human entity to get the honor of a Wall Street Journal "stipple" portrait. Last week, it was Ronald McDonald, a nightmare clown that stuffs hamburgers in the mouths of sleeping children.

Seamless and GrubHub, two nearly identical online food-ordering companies whose business model consists of providing a service that is already available for free, announced Monday that they would be merging into one giant online food-ordering hydra. The new company, which has not yet settled on a name, will enable and promote social anxiety in 500 U.S. cities by eliminating the traumatic element of "human verbal interaction" from pizza delivery. The co-founder and CEO of GrubHub will serve as the CEO of the new Sterling Cooper Draper Seamless Grubhub. The CEO of Seamless will serve as president. If your cat dies, the new organization will probably start a twitter fight with you about it.

It's a tale as old as time. Cat goes up tree, cop climbs tree to save cat. Cop get stuck in tree, firefighters must save cat, cop.

A 29-year-old man is facing a $2 million lawsuit after trashing an Upper East Side teacher's apartment and murdering her three-year-old Siamese cat.

Today in True Historical Misadventures of the CIA: the time they tried to turn a cat into a spy.

Have you ever wondered what state you should move to to ensure the long-term health of your dog or cat? Me neither. But I'm sure some of you have. And now, thanks to a new survey from a chain of pet hospitals, we know.