Dear Differently Shaped/Abled/Pigmented/Limbed People of Los Angeles: New and exciting opportunities in the pirate-extra field await you at an open casting call next weekend for the sequels to Pirates of the Caribbean. Dear Asian People of Los Angeles: Yeah, you can come too, but be ready to play a hooker.
If you haven't heard by now, the NY Times' Judith Miller is going to jail, while Time's Matthew Cooper has decided to testify about his confidential source rather than join Miller in the slammer. Whenever big news like this breaks, we always like to do our part by helping CBS cast its inevitable, fast-tracked television movie. We think Jason Alexander will make a fine Cooper, while Tomlin will bring an offbeat sensibility to Miller. Please remember that we're dealing with TV casting budgets—there's no way that Les Moonves is going to meet Paul Giamatti's quote for a MOW.
· Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's coyly-handled and tabloid-friendly smoldering sexual relationship seems to have helped Mr. and Mrs. Smith at the box office, while the Insincere-Seeming Publicity Theater of whatshisname and whatshername seems not to have damaged War of the Worlds. [Variety]
· Legendary screenwriter Ernest Lehman (Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, West Side Story, The Sound of Music, and many more) died Saturday at the age of 89. [THR]
· Leonardo DiCaprio's Appian Way will produce an adaptation of Cat's Cradle, hiring the writer of the Joycian masterwork Sahara (and his son) to tackle the Kurt Vonnegut classic. [Variety]
· Tommy Lee Jones joins the cast of thousands in the Robert Altman-directed adaptation of Garrison Keillor's A Prairie Home Companion, will be lovably grizzled alongside Meryl Streep, Kevin Kline, Lindsay Lohan, Virginia Madsen, Woody Harrelson, John C. Reilly, Lily Tomlin and Maya Rudolph. [THR]
· Oh, and by the way: Paris is snubbed as London wins the 2012 Olympics. [Variety]
· The Supreme Court bitch-slaps Grokster and file-sharing services back down to a lower court, ruling that the companies can be held liable for their users' acts of copyright infringement. Stay tuned for the press release in which MPAA pirate hunter emeritus Jack Valenti compares file-swapping to the trading of molested children on the Russian black market. [Variety]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas XXXIV: The New Paramount relapses into its remaking ways, planning a new version of 1973's Donald-Sutherland-humping-Julie-Christie classic Don't Look Now. [THR]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas XXXV: Warner Bros. and Jennifer Garner to remake the 2004 Japanese hit Be With You. You know, after she pawns the baby off on stay-at-home partner Ben Affleck. [Variety]
· Well, at least it's not a remake: Fox plans to bring video game Max Payne to your local multiplex. [THR]
· Tomorrow's snubs today: Paul Giamatti's soon-to-be acclaimed voice-work in the animated Amazing Screw-On Head to go criminally overlooked. [Variety]
· AMC and Loews agree to merge their movie theaterc chain to better compete with the larger Regal Entertainment, and hopefully gain enough influence to squeeze a bigger share of box office cash out of the studios. This, you may have guessed, is a slow news day. [Variety]
· Alyson Hannigan, Eddie Griffin, Fred Willard, and Jennifer Coolidge will star in an untitled Regency spoof of romantic comedies. Eddie Griffin (black) plays the father of Alyson Hannigan (white). This is all you need to know before you are crippled by the ensuing waves of hilarity. [THR]
· Ridley Scott will follow up the triumphant Kingdom of Heaven (you're only as good as your last bomb, right?) by directing/producing Shadow Divers, the story of a German U-boat found off the coast of New Jersey in 1991. [Variety]
· NASCAR helps Herbie: Fully Loaded feature the same kind of sponsor-driven sensory assault as a typical NASCAR race. [THR]
·Howard Stern will no longer spackle the hindquarters of Scores strippers with condiments on E!, and is now looking to take his cable show to another network. Spike TV preemptively starts training its editors in the fine art of pixilating breasts. [Variety]
· Batman Begins pulls in a tidy $15 million from its Wednesday debut, filling Hollywood with (probably misguided) hope that this weekend will finally break the 16 week losing streak vs, last year's box office over the same period. [Variety]
· Billy Bob Thornton will star in the film adaptation of the novel Peace Like a River for Warner Bros. Brad Pitt will produce for his Plan B, allowing for some interesting discussions about the little noise Angelina Jolie makes when your bite her ankle. [THR]
· Finding the internet gaming space as utterly befuddling as the improvised pseudo-philosophy of the movie's two sequels, Warner Bros. sells the rights to operate its online Matrix videogame to Sony. [Variety · Over 15 million people tuned in to watch Evander Holyfield get ousted from Dancing with the Stars, providing further evidence for our theory that it's the only show being broadcast this summer. [THR]
· Geoffrey Rush takes a top-secret role in Steven Spielberg's 1972 Munich Olympics project, which will probably feel like a vacation compared to the ongoing War of the Worlds publicity nightmare. [Variety]
· Tom Hanks' Playtone and Universal open wide for the rights to Deep Throat's life story—more fellatio puns TK as the development process, um, goes down? [Variety]
· Luke "Brother of the Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson is in talks to star in Ivan Reitman's Super Ex for Regency, about a man who breaks up with a superhero. Jokes about her "super PMS" will certainly be every bit as hilarious as we dare to hope. [THR]
· The new Coldplay album moves 737,000 copies in its first week, and the record industry is so happy it momentarily forgets to claim that they would've sold 4.3 billion more if not for file-sharing scofflaws. [Variety]
· Today, stuntpeople will repeatedly throw themselves down the Academy's front steps to demonstrate why they deserve an Oscar category. [THR]
· George Lucas tells network execs it's time to begin killing each other over the rights to broadcast the Star Wars franchise on television. Incredible bloodletting to immediately follow. [Variety]
With the cornucopia of obviously legitimate, anonymously-proffered opportunities for struggling actors streaming through Craigslist on a daily basis, we're amazed that the local service industry hasn't been totally depleted of its workforce. Here's yet another chance for the subjugated thespian to throw off the chains of his apron-flair and take control of his destiny:
· Batman Begins opens today and will expand to 3,858 locations by Friday, an onslaught that Warner Bros. hopes can overcome some of the damage that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have done to its promotion. [Variety]
· The post-acquittal sleepover parties at the Ranch haven't even ended, and already the Jackson family is shopping a reality show. However, the famed bedroom will be closed to any camera operators over the age of 13. [THR]
· Vin Diesel is attached to star in Fox's adaptation of the videogame Hitman. Our sources reveal that Diesel's The Pacifier co-star Gary the Duck was approached about the role first, but declined because he's "too big for that Xbox shit." [Variety]
· Dancing with the Stars was the week's most-watched show, proving that ideas that seem like bad Mad TV parodies of reality television can be viable hits. [THR]
· Disney wants to cast the new, do-anything-for-a-buck version of Robert DeNiro as the husband of Meryl Streep's female president in Disney's descriptively-titled First Man. [Variety]
· Clive Owen is finalizing the details to star in Shoot-Em-Up for New Line, an "ultraviolent" flick with scenes that include "a shootout during a sex scene and another in the midst of a freefall." We don't want to fall prey to the hype machine, but this may turn out to be the greatest movie ever made. [Variety]
· Director James Cameron seems torn about which 3D project to pay attention to, reportedly moving his focus from next announced project Battle Angel to mysterious, "parallel" Project 880. Also, it's been a long time, so refresh our memory—is Cameron the Titanic guy or the Cutthroat Island guy? [THR]
· Arrested Development creator Mitch Hurwitz chooses a showrunning deal for future AD seasons over a potentially more lucrative development deal, opting to be yanked around on a single, continuing project instead of a bunch of new ones. [Variety]
· Despite news specials exploring yesterday's Jackson-related Armageddon, Fox's Hell's Kitchen still pulls good ratings. [THR]
· War of the Worlds is premiering all over the world, where canny translators provided by the studio may be able to mitigate some of the damage Cruise may do on international red carpets. [Variety]
· Mr. and Mrs. Smith brings in $32 million in foreign box office, raising its weekend take to $83 million. Fox distribution head Bruce Snyder shows a flair for understatement concerning Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's tabloid ubiquity: "It certainly didn't hurt." [Variety]
· The Supreme Court lets stand a lower-court ruling that prevents multimedia conglomerates from gobbling up too many media outlets in a single market, temporarily putting off further media consolidation until someone can buy off a couple of Justices. [THR]
· Fox coincidentally fast-tracks the reality show Skating with Celebrities, which bears absolutely no similarity to the uncoordinated-celebrities-humiliating-themselves ABC hit series Dancing with the Stars. [Variety]
· Tobey Maguire is in negotiations to star in and produce the romantic comedy Quiet Type for New Line, the story of "an unassuming mute from a small town who moves to New York to pursue his dreams of conducting an orchestra." Also, the mute may or may not have a weight problem, depending on whether or not Maguire feels like working out prior to production. [THR]
· The Weinsteins continue to stay too busy to name their new company, but will distribute the puntastically titled Bruce Willis gangster thriller Lucky Number Slevin. [Variety]
When a major news story breaks, we often like to cast the topical movie that will certainly be rushed into production. Producers: If you can't get through to Kevin Spacey's people right away, be patient. Those five minutes you spend listening to the Beyond the Sea soundtrack while on hold will be worth it.
· Return of the Sith continues to dominate overseas box office with a cumulative take of $246 million, largely due to George Lucas' controversial decision to export the movie exclusively in an Aramaic version. [Variety]
· Fans of Joan of Arcadia plead with an uncaring God (i.e., Les Moonves) to reverse the show's cancellation. Moonves bellows with laughter, then smites the Joan boosters' village with a tidal wave. [THR]
· Hot off roles in this weekend's $60 million earners The Longest Yard and Madagascar, Chris Rock announces he'll write, co-produce and star in The Gilmores of Beverly Hills, with buddy Adam Sandler's Happy Madison producing. Nota bene: Rock's last two movies were Head of State and Bad Company. [Variety]
· Does the last Star Wars mark the end of the "superfan"? Star Wars nerds, Trekkies, Deadheads, and Phish fans will soon gather for some chaste consideration of their plight while tripping face in a convention center parking lot. [THR]
· "I don't care what it costs, get me Denzel! Oh, we already had Denzel? Get me Cheadle. At a price." Universal wants Don Cheadle to replace the once-attached Denzel Washington for the starring role in the perpetually troubled American Gangster project. [Variety]
· Michelle "Who?" Monaghan signs on to star in Mission: Impossible 3 as Tom Cruise's love interest. Put on your tinfoil helmets, kids, we're going for a quick ride: Is it just us, or does she look a wee bit like Katie Holmes? (The brunette one in the pics, duh.) [THR]
· Half of the legendary, classy-movie producing duo Merchant & Ivory died suddenly in London today. Hint: It wasn't Ivory. Statements to follow. [THR]
· Sopranos creator David Chase admits to the New Yorker that he might be able to squeeze a seventh season out of his lovable mobsters—and, of course, many more millions out of HBO. [Variety]
· Fox takes the season's ratings title in the 18-49 demo, CBS dominates overall and those watching on the community TV in the nursing home, ABC makes a heroic comeback, and NBC...well, let's just say that Les Moonves has just messengered Jeff Zucker a tape of Deliverance with Zucker's face superimposed on Ned Beatty's squealing mug. [Variety]
· SAG/AFTRA members voting on strike against video game companies, which do not pay "residuals for the use of actors' voices, likeness and performance in video games." Also, they have shitty craft service. [THR]
· Warner Home Video's "godfather of DVD" Warren Lieberfarb sues his former employer, claiming he was "hoodwinked" by the conglomerate into accepting the "magic beans" of worthless stock options from the conglomerate to compensate him for his role in creating the "Wondrous All-Purpose Opti-Platter" that revolutionized home entertainment. [Variety]
· 24 wins the key demo on the last Monday of the season for Fox, while CBS gets its first look at Two and a Half Men's reign of Monday night sitcom terror. [THR]
· Reality television Apocalypse-bringer Endemol girds itself for the day when people will no longer want to watch people gobble various unsavory parts of a horse's reproductive system, adding a scripted television division. [Variety]
· BBC staffers go on strike, halting almost all of the network's news and live programming, and having virtually no repercussions for anyone in the United States. [THR]
· Sylvester Stallone wants Robert Downey Jr. to star in Poe, a movie on the life of Edgar Allen Poe that he's written and plans to direct. Oscar-worthy scene: A montage demonstrates Poe's arduous preparation before penning "The Cask of Amontillado," where the author spent three grueling months in Siberia huffing ether and dragging huge logs behind him. [Variety]
· Warning, impossibly lame, scatological pun playing on similarity of "Sith" and "shit" ahead: Foreigners eat up Sith, as the movie rakes in $145 million in international release. [Variety]
· The New Paramount™ continues in its mission to spend, spend, spend in the quest to woo A-list actors, dropping $4 million for the rights to Robert Ludlum's book The Chancellor Manuscript for Leonardo DiCaprio. [THR]
· We've been ignoring Cannes, so here's the round-up: Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne win the Pal D'Or, Jim Jarmusch the Grand Prix, and Tommy Lee Jones wins best actor. [Variety]
· The Desperate Housewives finale kicks ass, takes names, etc etc. Grey's Anatomy is similarly huge, despite failing to make a play on the similarity of "The Syph" and "Sith." [THR]
· The Ellen DeGeneres Show wins big at the Daytime Emmys, but judging from the ratings numbers, nobody cared. We blame the pantsuit. [Variety]
· More fun from CBS: 60 Minutes Wednesday is kicked to the programming curb, but Moonves denies that Memogate had anything to do with it, but allows, "There's just something that bugs me about Dan Rather's face. It's all square and stuff." [Variety]
· John Woo will direct Chow Yun Fat in the "next generation action action game" Stranglehold. Things exploding stylishly and broken English to follow. [THR]
· In the unexpected, but potentially genius, casting move of the season, Kelsey Grammer will play Beast in X-Men 3. [Variety]
· Beware, the streets will be teeming with virgins carrying lightsabers: More than 80% of tonight's Star Wars post-midnight showings are already sold out. [Variety]
· Husband/wife team Laurie MacDonald and Walter Parkes leave their positions as co-heads of DreamWorks Pictures for the obligatory "shingle" gig. Curiously empty offices to follow. [Variety]
