They didn't cancel him for gay kissing, they canceled him for gay kissing without warning; Miley Cyrus copies one of Lindsay Lohan's tattoos; Rihanna cops to being a size queen. Friday's gossip is sassy-meowing all over the place.

• Although Tiger Woods and his wife remain "in seclusion" at their home in Florida (and are supposedly involved in "intense" marital counseling sessions), their lawyers are still ironing out a revised pre-nup. One report suggests Woods would pay his wife $5 million immediately and then $55 million if she stays with him for another two years; all she'd have to do is suck up any semblance of pride and sign a nondisclosure agreement. Meanwhile, sources indicate that Tiger was working on a deal to pay Rachel Uchitel $1 million to keep her trap shut, she hasn't taken any money from him (yet), and canceled her press conference yesterday because she was "scared for her safety." What else do we know? That Tiger is painfully insecure about his tiny calves, for one thing.
• In an interview with Glamour, Sarah Jessica Parker says she has "enormous regrets" about filming the Sex and the City sequel since because she didn't want to miss being home with her two baby daughters for one moment. Let's all hope the millions she makes from the movie more than makes up for it. [Us]
• Is 15-year-old Tallulah Willis (daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore) dating 16-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger (son of Arnold and Maria)? Possibly, although Bruce's rep is now denying it. [P6]

• It's been a busy 24 hours for Tiger Woods. Just after admitting he'd "let his family down" yesterday, a voicemail he apparently left for alleged mistress Jaimee Grubbs surfaced and put a nail in his adulterous coffin. Now Rachel Uchitel, one of the other women he supposedly was involved with, is coming clean about her affair and will be giving a press conference later today. [TMZ, NYP]
• Meanwhile, Tiger and wife Elin are supposedly in "intense" marriage counseling. They're also in intense discussions with their lawyers, apparently. Rumor has it they're renegotiating their pre-nup and Elin may collect a "hefty seven-figure amount" if she agrees to stay with him. [CST, Us]
• Tinsley Mortimer's family sounds more white trash than high society. Her mom, Dale Mercer, got into a shoving match recently with the woman who's been dating her ex-husband. George Mercer—Tinsley's dad—says the 29-year-old woman, Krissy Morrow, is merely his "escort" and he's never even kissed her. But Krissy says she married Mercer last month. George says the marriage didn't count since he was "drunk as [expletive]" at the time and because he's married to someone else anyway. Let's hope all this nonsense—like the report Tinsley was seen making out with Constantine Maroulis on Tuesday night—is just another PR stunt for her reality show. [P6]

Lindsay Lohan's Rashomon-like love life takes three different turns in one day, Tiger Mistress #1 prepares to tell all, and the Salahis cancel Christmas. Come bathe in a sea of Thursday's gossip.

After moving to L.A., this hypersexual British socialite and reality TV star couldn't land a headline, no matter how many nips she slipped or how much body paint she wore. Then, Casey Johnson planted a sex toy in her bed.

• Tiger Woods released a statement this morning: "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. [TMZ]
• One thing that may have pushed Tiger to finally issue the apology: While Rachel Uchitel didn't want to cop to hooking up with Woods, two other women turned up to take her place yesterday. A 24-year-old waitress named Jaimee Grubbs appeared with tawdry text messages from Woods to back up her story. (Sample: "I will wear you out!") And a Vegas club manager came out to say she's been having an affair with him "for some time." [Us, NYP, NYDN]
• Tiger won't face criminal charges for crashing his SUV outside his Florida home. He's getting a traffic ticket and may pay a $164 fine. [Us]
• Bill Clinton is pumped his daughter Chelsea is marrying investment banker Marc Mezvinsky because, Bill says, Marc is a "great human being." Not only that, but when Hillary is traveling, Chelsea and Marc take pity on poor old Bill and take him to dinner and the movies. [People]
• Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich just bought a $90 million estate in St. Barts and now everyone is expecting him to throw the "It" Christmas party of the year. No word on whether the Salahis were invited. Not that the lack of an invite will stop them from attending anyway, of course. [P6]

There is something awkward about a single-source story wherein the source's accusation that the subject stole her panties and discarded a used vibrator in her bed never comes up. Sometimes it's worth it, though.

• Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods' alleged mistress, is calling the allegations that she had an affair with the golfer "dumb," "stupid," and "ridiculous," and says "it's like asking me to comment if there are aliens on earth." Worst of all, she's bummed that as a result of this whole saga some "nice, normal guy" that she might eventually settle down with is "going to have a tainted view" of her. Meanwhile, friends and former colleagues of Uchitel say the party-promoting, celebrity-wrangling widow and divorcée has been obsessed with getting close to celebrities for years, is a "drama queen" and "fire-starter," and has had numerous run-ins with her employers in the past. [NYP, NYDN]
• What's Tiger up to? He bailed out of a golf tournament in California later this week and still hasn't come out of his house. [Us, NYP]
• Troubled Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson was arrested yesterday for stealing jewelry, clothing, shoes, and even underwear from a model pal. The really disturbing part: Johnson allegedly left a wet towel and "used vibrator" at the scene of the crime as her "calling card." [NYP, TMZ]
• Tareq and Michaele Salahi, "the most infamous party crashers in the world," appeared on the Today show this morning to tell Matt Lauer they did nothing wrong. The couple claim some mystery evidence—to be released at a later date— will prove they were invited to last week's state dinner. [MSNBC]

Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson may have gone psycho for a model who likes to cling octogenarians; everyone obsesses over Tiger Woods' mistress; Westchester reprimands Richard Gere for chopping down trees. Tuesday's gossip ranges from sordid lechery to suburban ennui.

• A flight attendant who worked aboard Oprah Winfrey's private jet says she was falsely accused of having sex with a pilot mid-flight by another flight attendant and the daughter of Gayle King. And even though she passed the polygraph test she was given, she was fired because of it. So now she's filed a lawsuit against Oprah. Naturally. [NYDN]
• David Letterman isn't the only late-night comedian who's found romance in the workplace: Jimmy Kimmel, who split up with comedian Sarah Silverman back in March, is now dating one of the writers on his show. [People]
• Madonna has reportedly parted ways with her nutty trainer, Tracy Anderson. Explains a source: "Madonna had grown tired of the baggage that Tracy always seemed to be carrying with her. Tracy had grown to be more of a distraction than anything else." [P6]

• Brooke Shields can't seem to make up her mind about who's to blame for the Kiefer Sutherland-Jack McCollough incident last week. A few days ago, her reps denied she'd been pushed by Jack. But now she says he did bump into her, and that Kiefer "has always been a gentleman" with her. Go figure. [TMZ, NYDN]
• Madonna took her kids to a Mets game on Mother's Day, which was all part of a plan to make Alex Rodriguez jealous, apparently. Also, the singer/diehard baseball fan sat in Jerry Seinfeld's seats and hung out with the Anderson Cooper the whole time, just so you know. [P6]
• More topless photos of Carrie Prejean have surfaced online. [TMZ]
• Barbara Walters wore the same dress to the Time 100 gala and the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The horror! [TMZ]
• Maya Rudolph and PT Anderson are expecting their second child. [People]

Rihanna probably doesn't care that her outfit made people wonder if she's lesbian and Kiefer Sutherand is unrepentant about attacking a designer at SubMercer. But Kirstie Alley is ashamed of her 83 new pounds.

• The drama surrounding fashion's most famous headbutt continues: Kiefer Sutherland says he was "defending the honor" of Brooke Shields by attacking Jack McCollough, since Jack had knocked Brooke over and then failed to apologize. Brooke and Jack, however, say the push never even happened, and Kiefer was running around drunk and "looking for something to smack." The police are now investigating the matter, since apparently there aren't more important crimes to be tackling right now. [TMZ, TMZ, NYDN, P6]
• Anna Wintour and Rihanna were acting like old pals at a Costume Institute afterparty on Monday night, which certainly bodes well for Rihanna's chances of landing a Vogue cover in the future. [NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan was supposed to chaperone her little sister to a party at LA's Roosevelt Hotel on Monday night, but ended up "getting up close and personal" with ex-boyfriend Jared Leto instead. [E!, P6]
• Casey Johnson, meanwhile, showed up to the same party and was overheard telling a friend that she and Courtenay Semel have broken up, again. [P6]

Much like the Amish and freaky polygamist cults living in the Nevada desert, members of America's wealthiest—and Waspiest—households don't pay any attention to the annual glitz-fest on Oscar night. At least that's what band-aid heir Jamie Johnson says in his latest column on "the secret lives of the super-rich" for VF.com:

• There were bound to be a few dramatic moments at the inaugural parties last night: Sheryl Crow had an awkward run in with her ex, Kid Rock, in the lobby of Donovan House. John Legend was forced to make a last-minute stop at Bloomingdale's because his girlfriend didn't have a gown. Susan Sarandon got a reporter kicked out an event for daring to ask a question. And Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony showed up so late to the Neighborhood Ball, they almost didn't get in. [P6, WP, Politico]
• One possible explanation for Lopez's late arrival: She was spotted at the Scientology Center in LA yesterday morning, trying to sneak out of the building without being noticed. [NYDN]
• Another headache for John Travolta and Kelly Preston: A politician in the Bahamas may have been part of a plot to extort money from the couple following the death of Jett Travolta. [OK!]

We had heard that Defamer legend Courtenay Semel and Casey Johnson might retreat to Sundance for some make-up time after Semel mistook her on-again, off-again girlfriend for kindling a couple weeks back.

Everyone is trying calm down before the weekend. Courtenay Semel totally made up for setting Casey Johnson's head on fire. Madonna tried to not be a demanding, terrible ball-buster constantly.

• Naomi Campbell has settled a lawsuit by a former maid who alleged the world's most temperamental supermodel threw her phone at her head after she failed to find a pair of misplaced jeans back in 2006. [NYDN]
• Casey Johnson and Courtenay Semel appear to have made up following their violent brawl. They're heading to Sundance together. [P6]
• Guy Ritchie spent time at Madonna's apartment on Tuesday. Not because they're reconciling, but because Madonna's daughter Lourdes insisted on it. [NYDN]
• George Soros has a new "friend," a model 50 years his junior named Kate Gibbs. This is what she looks like, just in case you're curious. [P6]
• Book agent and man-about-town Luke Janklow and his wife, Sweetiepie owner Julie Janklow, appear to be headed for divorce. [P6]

Celebrity lesbian nexus Courtenay Semel has escalated her scorched-earth game to a stunning, literal new level, reportedly ending a fight with an ex by torching the woman's hair.

Patrick Swayze is battling a reportedly rapidly-advancing disease beyond his control while young heiresses Courtenay Semel is viciously fighting with her heiress ex for no real reason whatsoever.