In the midst of an incoherent and incorrect rant on the recent history of mobile technology, failed technology executive Carly Fiorina recounted an apparently true story about how she helped the NSA after 9/11. Actually, it turns out that story may have been classified.

“Feed me a line,” failed HP CEO and presidential candidate Carly Fiorina says through gritted teeth as an army of tiny pups squirms in her lap. She is visibly uncomfortable—irate even. But she is smiling a wide-eyed, crazed smile. In a few seconds she will be eating dog food. This is Carly Fiorina’s attempt at being human.

“Carly Fiorina Spotted At Newark Airport,” wrote NBC News today, which is funny because “spotted” is actually the exact opposite of what happened.

Given her lack of any real political experience, former candidate for senator of California and current republican candidate for president Carly Fiorina has been touting (what she claims to be) her revered and profitable tenure as former HP CEO as a sign of what she could do for the nation if given the chance. Which is why it’s too bad that, of the 302,000 current HP employees, not a single one has donated a reportable amount to Carly Fiorina’s campaign.

Former Hewlett-Packard chief exec Carly Fiorina and retired Johns Hopkins neurosurgeon (and idiot) Ben Carson have officially joined the 2016 presidential race. They’re up against Senators Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Rand Paul for the GOP nomination.

[A liberal tot tries to hide from Republican Senate candidate Carly Fiorina outside a GOP phone bank in California today. Image via Getty]

California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina has been hospitalized for an infection related to her breast cancer surgery.

Fun-lovin' rich gals Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina, California's Republican nominees for governor and senator, respectively, really lived large this weekend: They opened a joint appearance with Hispanic leaders by taking tequila shots! Impressed, Hispanics? Tequila is your "water," right?

California Senator Barbara Boxer and former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina are battling over Boxer's Senate seat. But that's secondary to a more important question—one that an actual, reputable polling firm just asked Californians: Who has better hair?

The small city of Maywood, California, is broke. So the city is planning to disband its police force, lay off municipal employees, and hire outside help to run day-to-day operations. Only a handful of top officials will remain in place.

Failed Hewlet-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina last week dissed California Senator Barbara Boxer's hair, and now that's all anyone cares about. But she wants people to focus on important issues—like how evil the Endangered Species Act is. [FoxNews]

This must be seen to be believed, this latest inept volley from would-be California Senator Carly Fiorina. It is her attack ad against fellow Silicon Valley Republican person Tom Campbell, apparently assembled by the production team from Saturday Night Live.

Out in California, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina is running for Senate as a Republican against terrible liberal Barbara Boxer. And her former company is, for some reason, donating a lot of money to Boxer.

Carly Fiorina is already elevating the political discourse in California: The former Hewlett Packard CEO is emailing ads about that one time her opponent politely asked a general to call her "senator" instead of "m'aam," like an arrogant bitch.

It's fitting that Carly Fiorinia just announced her senate candidacy with the word "Admittedly." The former HP CEO hated voting, and promises to be more engaged in politics now. Too bad she's still proving her apathy.

Carly Fiorina became CEO of Hewlett Packard on the strength of her reputation as a sales dynamo. In politics, though, she's been a terrible saleswoman. And this "Carlyfornia" website for her senate campaign is somehow Fiorina's worst embarrassment yet.

Beyoncé turns 28 today. Mark Ronson is turning 34. Police commissioner Ray Kelly is 68. Congressman Anthony Weiner is turning 45. Hotelier/restaurateur Sean MacPherson turns 45. Paper magazine co-founder David Hershkovits is turning 62. Damon Wayans is 49. Retired baseball player Mike Piazza is 41. And Dr. Drew Pinsky is celebrating his 51st. Weekend birthdays below.

It is notoriously difficult for business executives to jump into politics. California Senate hopeful Carly Fiorina's Iranian connection provides a textbook illustration of why.

California is a hotbed for wacky, inexperienced politicians, like current Gov. Arnold Schwazenegger and his would-be replacement, former eBay CEO Meg Whitman. Luckily, these people can all learn how not to launch a campaign, by watching Carly Fiorina.