President Obama's not the only one desperately trying to raise last minute third quarter cash with transparent buddy-buddy gimmickry. Mitt Romney's also offering the opportunity of a lifetime: A chance to spend a day with him on the campaign trail! Can you even imagine having to spend an entire day with Mittens "Willard" Romney? Who's paying who here?

Mike Huckabee is "taking another look at jumping in" the presidential race, according to two Reuters sources who may or may not know anything. Anyone else want to hop aboard the Desperation Express? Poppy Bush? Nancy Reagan? Alessio Rastani?

Herman Cain has taken our and everyone else's snide "pizza man for president" jokes and stuffed them right in our fat faces! How? By having a week of political success, and at least briefly reaching the top tier of presidential candidates. He prefers to be called Sir President McWinning Pizza Man, now, please, thank you.

Is it possible that Michele Bachmann's campaign has not been managing its money well? Word is she's in "dire" financial straits, and refuses to make fundraising calls. Everyone donate a couple grand to keep the funny going!

While a roomful of people at Ronald Reagan's library were begging Chris Christie to run for president last night, Sarah Palin was making a whole new fool of herself on Fox News! Why would she needs a "title," like president, she explained. Wouldn't that prevent her from being completely irresponsible at all times, which is her... charm?

Certain Internet forces with apparent magical powers have synced Rick Perry's lip movements during a speech to strange, alternate words that nevertheless are probably more coherent than what he was really saying. Does that make sense? It is hard to describe this sort of witchcraft.

Where does Michele Bachmann stand on normalizing trade relations with Cuba? Well. It's not particularly high on her priority list, let's say! Not merely because they're dirty commies. But also, apparently, because Cuba is working with Hezbollah to potentially set up missile sites on the island. Perhaps you might even call it a... Cuban Missile Crisis? Or is this something of an exaggeration?

Which Republican politician's turn is it next to be summoned into the presidential race and then immediately dismissed and hated by the party base over a pragmatic policy stance or two? Perhaps the good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who still has no interest in running for president but may be kidnapped in the middle of the night by a few whiny hedge fund managers and reprogrammed (forced at gunpoint) into "taking the plunge."

Why does Rick Perry actually do to prepare for his debates? He should prepare more, because he's terrible at them.

Michigan Rep. Thaddeus McCotter has ended his presidential campaign. Did you even know he was running? If not, it's because he would run off to Hardee's whenever the occasional reporter saw him. Anyway, the nomination is wide open now.

It's your lucky day, everyone: You have the opportunity to give Sarah Palin lots of money! And if you give her enough money she might just run for president. That's the deal. Do you, by any chance, feel like you might be getting played? Well stop feeling that way and hand over the fucking cash.

Rep. Michele Bachmann has had all sorts of fun adventures on the presidential campaign trail, whether it's by introducing herself to likely voter babies, playing with heavy machinery, or gazing down long rows of hanging animal carcasses. When will she finish losing this race already?

A strange report from early July about presidential candidate Herman Cain's troubles in Iowa mysteriously noted "swirling rumors between Cain's staff and volunteers in the Hawkeye State accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct." And that was it! So what kind of gay shit was going down on the Cain Train? We're starting to learn.

Harvard law professor and consumer advocate Elizabeth Warren will make certain lefties' dreams come true by running for Scott Brown's Senate seat in Massachusetts. Is this the best use of her talent? Will she save America anyway? Eh, maybe.

Rep. Michele Bachmann was unusually silent and uncared-about during last night's debate, in the latest sign that Rick Perry has completely eaten her lunch and all that's left for her campaign is a tragicomic, Norma Desmond-esque flameout. What can she do? Perhaps call a news conference to rebut Obama's speech tonight! Someone's got to do it. (Not really.)

It's time for another Republican presidential debate tonight, like the fourth of 'em or something like that! And after tonight, you'll have to wait a whole five days for your next opportunity to watch them babble strange collective nonsense again. So what should we expect from tonight's gathering at the St. Ronald Reagan of Reagan Presidential Library in California? Here's the "insider's take."

Wisconsin Rep. Tammy Baldwin has announced she'll run for Senate, and "she will very likely be considered the front-runner for the Democratic nomination." She would be the first openly gay senator in history.

"Ignored" fourth-place presidential candidate Ron Paul seems to be feeling frisky nowadays, just frisky enough to make an attack ad! How conventional. Is he selling out? No, he's just mocking Rick Perry like everybody else. But there's a certain angle to this ad that doesn't make much sense: That Ron Paul really liked Ronald Reagan's presidency.

So a full eight years ago, then-Sen. Rick Santorum made an offensive slippery-slope argument with regards to legalizing gay marriage and how it would lead to constant bestiality everywhere. Some folks on the Internet responded by pulling a Google prank that forever links his name to frothy anal discharge. But this doesn't still bother Santorum, does it? Railing against it isn't, say, a part of his stump presence nowadays?

While the East Coast braces itself for the ravages of Hurricane Irene this weekend, a tempest of another kind will be building in Texas.