Remember how close former New York Gov. George Pataki was to entering the presidential race earlier this week? Finally, a real candidate! But alas, he announced today that he will not run after all. Ugh. This cannot be happening.

It wouldn't be surprising to hear rumors that Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, the Ohio fellow who briefly got famous for asking Barack Obama one poorly crafted question about small business taxation policy on the 2008 campaign trail, was "considering" a congressional run. It's a nice way to get a headline without really meaning it. But apparently national Republicans actually want him to do this?

Here's Texas congressional candidate Roger Williams, Republican, giving a good tongue-lashing to some welfare queen donkeys. Take some personal responsibility for once, you damnable beasts! "These donkeys don't live in the United States of France, they live in the United States of America," he tell us, before turning to the donkeys and saying, "Have you ever heard of the Constitution?" And yet this hypocrite is probably all-compliments when the elephants drop by.

After weeks of renewed consideration, Rep. Paul Ryan has decided not to run for president. He had plenty of establishment support lined up, but alas, he must "love his family" or something weird.

Many completely correct adjectives come to mind when you think of presidential frontrunner Willard "Mittens" Romney: Slick, gross, rich, cheesy, evil, hilarious, weird, and, especially, white. But no one ever talks about how old he is. Did you know he's kind of old?

Let's just deal with the Rick Perry hair situation right here and now to get it out of the way: It is beautiful and lush, perfectly coiffed, and the source of his 10 straight election wins.

Gov. Goodhair may have a touch of gray these days, but Jack Shafer, for one, would still molest him. And now you can meet his famous hair stylist/barber/whatever, Dixie, in this clip! Her trick: She uses scissors. No, that's just normal. She uses witchcraft, let's say.

The Obama reelection campaign better send Mitt Romney a thank-you note today, for uttering such a clip-worthy attack ad statement — "Corporations are people too, my friend" — at the Iowa State fair today, in response to some libtard hecklers. Come on, Mittens! You, specifically, look quite bad saying such things!

True to sensationalist form, provocateur documentarian Michael Moore has made a public declaration that Matt Damon should run for president, because popular people win elections and Matt Damon is popular. He's not wrong! But let's not stop there. Plenty of celebrities should be commander in chief.

Every time Sen. Rick Santorum mentions his presidential run, something ominous happens. This morning, a balloon spontaneously exploded while Santorum was yammering about his plan for Medicare. Then, while announcing his candidacy this afternoon, an onlooker collapsed a couple feet away from Santorum's podium. Next, Rick Santorum will summon plagues of locust and lice to announce how he will deal with the debt ceiling. [ABC News]

On tonight's Real Time, Bill Maher declared that Republicans believe in "being against everything [Obama] is for" and "must nominate for 2012 a man who is the exact opposite of Obama." He even created one for them! Meet Karab Amabo.

Chicago's likely new mayor, former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, is well aware of his Twitter impersonator, MayorEmanuel, and wants to know the motherfucker's real identity. And he'll pay to find out.

Sorry, but Alec Baldwin was only kidding when he said he'd run for a House seat if his congressman lost to a Republican.

here's a pretend phone call inside this video. She says "ring ring ring." Cris Erikson is running for Senate in Vermont as part of the United States Marijuana Party, and she has no chance, but she's here for our amusement!

Did you watch the debate between candidates for Governor of New York? Did you see the man with, uh, unique facial hair? Who wore gloves the whole time? That's Jimmy McMillan, candidate for the Rent Is 2 Damn High Party.

Wyclef is still waiting for Haiti's electoral commission to rule on whether he can legally run for president there. In the meantime, he now says he's in hiding, thanks to death threats. Where is his lion when he needs it?

Levi Johnston, the ex-fiancé of former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, will run for office in Wasilla, the town where Palin served as mayor. Which office? Um, he hasn't filed yet. And the deadline was July 30.

Was the finance director of New York Rep. Mike McMahon's reelection campaign hired in 1927? Back then, it might have been a good idea to show how much 'Jewish money' your political opponent received. But not now! Not in 2010!

Not much is known about surprise Democratic South Carolina Senate nominee Alvin Greene, but military records obtained by the Associated Press provide some insight into Greene's honorable discharge from the Air Force in 2005.

All the smart/ cowardly politicians bailed on the NYC mayor's race when Mike Bloomberg strongarmed himself back onto the ballot. But there is still a handful of comical challengers to our Mayor-for-life! Below, a guide to the losers.