Think about it, a little more: Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. It wasn't the best year for recruiters of Republican presidential candidates. And now that the deadline has passed in most early states to get on the primary ballot, there's no chance for anyone else to jump in. Unless the incompetent rich Republican donors "pull some strings," or whatever it is that the rich do in emergencies.

Keep in mind is that Donald Trump has already won. He got the opportunity to moderate a presidential debate right before primary season, and two candidates have already accepted. To get even one candidate to accept an invitation to something so blindingly stupid and farcical would've been a once-in-a-generation political feat. Nevertheless, it's possible that the final head count may stop at two debaters, leaving the debate well short of maximum comedic capacity.

The Ron Paul campaign has channeled a new muse in its latest campaign ad, "BIG DOG," and it is one long championed by our foremost aesthetes: Those Denis Leary commercials where he rants about Ford F-150s while scary words fly all over the place.

What flavor of eternal hatred for Mitt Romney are Republican primary voters trying out this week? He's not merely a liar, an opportunist, a socialist, and a member of the Utahan Space Jesus cult anymore. Now he's also the dad who went out for cigarettes and never came back, or did come back, only to ignore you.

Here, courtesy of old Romney clip digger-upper Andrew Kaczynski, is Mitt Romney describing to a group of uninterested old Iowa ladies at the 2004 Republican convention the phenomenon of John Kerry's flip-flopping. It's an excellent briefer on how competent politicians can end up flip-flopping. Thanks, Mitt Romney!

What is this shit, Perry? Here we've got the third Rick Perry ad of this week, and what does it tell us: nothing. No, strike that: It tells us something. It tells us that the Rick Perry campaign is just going to spend all of that money it raised this summer on worthless bland ads until there's nothing left, and he can finally peace the hell out and return to his beloved Niggerhead.

Earlier this year when potential Republican presidential candidates were deciding whether to run, you'd hear a common excuse from those who chose not to: My wife didn't want me to!

Sure, why the fuck not? "Donald Trump is pairing up with Newsmax, the conservative magazine and news Web site, to moderate a presidential debate in Des Moines on Dec. 27." The Republican party's finally getting serious. (WOW.)

Herman Cain, who's currently having a conversation with his wife that unfortunately isn't available on pay-per-view, sent a note to supporters last night directing them to a new website feature: "Encouragement for Herman Cain." Aww, the poor guy's suicidal.

Give it up for Americans for Herman Cain, the SuperPAC that appears to be competing with the Cain campaign proper to determine which makes the funniest ads. This one here, it's a real treat. It implies that Herman Cain passed a lie detector test, thus conclusively revealing the "truth" about his various sexual harassment allegations. Clever move, Super PAC! But one should note that Herman Cain has not actually taken a lie detector test.

Does Herman Cain just drink constantly on the campaign trail? We didn't hear much about this as he was becoming the frontrunner, but the faster he plummets, and the more his allies turn on him, the more delicious these stories should become! It's already starting.

All of Herman Cain's conservative buddies are ditching him now, after word came out that he was allegedly sexing up a non-wife gal for 13 years. No longer is this a "high tech lynching" in their minds. Why are they ditching this true conservative? Where's the support during tough times? For that, we must turn our attention to the most fascinating place on earth: The Arizona state Senate.

The other storylines are spent: Newt Gingrich surging, Herman Cain maybe dropping out, Mitt Romney hanging in there, still, while being hated by his political party. But about our man Rick Perry? Sure, he's a terrible candidate who screws himself over each time he does anything in public. And his campaign's funding has mostly dried up, although he still has a modest stack of summer cash in the bank. How will he come back, even though he probably won't? It is a three-part strategy.

Poor old Herman Cain has told his senior staff on a conference call this morning that he's "reassessing" whether to stay in the race and will make his final decision in "the next few days," National Review reports.

A Fox affiliate in Atlanta plans to run a story tonight about a woman claiming she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. How do did we learn about this? Herman Cain just popped up on CNN to warn us. A hot scoop for Herman Cain!

We're still monitoring Mitt Romney for the moment in which his bottled-up frustrations rise to an unsustainable level and he explodes, in triumphant fashion. But what would it look like? Well, there'd be body parts to go along with the machine parts laying all over the place, of course, since it would be an explosion. But stories of his previous outbursts offer some clues for what the build-up to the final blast might look like.

Mitt Romney is a good Mormon, a model member really, who does not drink alcohol or coffee or smoke tobacco. Sorry, let me fix that: Mitt Romney was a good Mormon, or at least considerd such, until today. He's come clean and admitted that he has, in fact, imbibed death juice and — dare we say it? — puffed a death puffer. Another flip-flop, and one that could land him an eternity on whatever distant sulfuric planet it is (Delaware?) that they keep Mormon Hell on these days.

Newt Gingrich is just a factory of rich, intellectual, stimulating ideas that no one has ever considered before, as Newt Gingrich is the only person who meets the intelligence threshold necessary to conceive him. Gingrich himself has been telling us this for 30 years, and finally — finally — we cretins have agreed to coronate him as president. Sorry, to keep you waiting, sir! Now that we've come to our senses, let's look at some of the impeccable policy ideas perfected each day in the Gingrich Idea Cave that will make it to the Gingrich Administration.

Well at least I haven't gaffed, says Michele Bachmann, the woman who confused the birthplace of John Wayne and John Wayne Gacy, the state where the first shot of the Revolution was fired with New Hampshire, Elvis' birthday with the day he died and vaccines with the cause of mental retardation - all in the past year.

In an extensive interview with the Des Moines Register's editorial board, Michele Bachmann defended the practice of waterboarding. But would she herself ever get waterboarded, so that she could more knowledgeably speak about it? Don't be absurd.