Ron Paul's got it made. While Mitt Romney is struggling to save his pretty-boy campaign, and Newt Gingrich is trying to clarify what "going negative" means, Paul is releasing these long, futuristic ads beating the dickens out of everyone (in this case, Gingrich).

Just as Newt Gingrich was rising to his spot as the nearly prohibitive favorite to win the Republican presidential nomination, he made a pledge not to "go negative" on his political opponents. Or, in cocksure Newt-speak: "They're not going to be the nominee. I don't have to go around and point out the inconsistencies of people who aren't going to be the nominee. They're not going to be the nominee." But guess who's pointing out his opponents' "inconsistencies today, and always, very negatively? This is the worst pledge ever.

It did not seem possible that Newt Gingrich, star of the biggest political flameout of the 1990s, would find himself weeks away from the 2012 Republican presidential nominating contests and leading by double-digits in both national polls and three of the four early primary states. But thank Allah he is! Go Newt! This is the best thing that's ever happened. Now let's watch some elite conservatives pundits squirm.

Rick Perry's gay-baiting Iowa ad didn't just anger human rights activists, gay service members, and gay Republicans. It roiled some of the people who work for him.

Here's the ten millionth consecutive miserable Rick Perry ad to run in Iowa, titled "Strong." Let's make fun of it line by line, shall we?

What is this shit, Perry? Here we've got the third Rick Perry ad of this week, and what does it tell us: nothing. No, strike that: It tells us something. It tells us that the Rick Perry campaign is just going to spend all of that money it raised this summer on worthless bland ads until there's nothing left, and he can finally peace the hell out and return to his beloved Niggerhead.

Jon Huntsman is the only sane GOP presidential candidate. I nevertheless find myself eagerly anticipating his demise, if only to slow his viral video star daughters' rapidly accelerating fameball.

Give it up for Americans for Herman Cain, the SuperPAC that appears to be competing with the Cain campaign proper to determine which makes the funniest ads. This one here, it's a real treat. It implies that Herman Cain passed a lie detector test, thus conclusively revealing the "truth" about his various sexual harassment allegations. Clever move, Super PAC! But one should note that Herman Cain has not actually taken a lie detector test.

As it turns out, all I ever needed to be convinced that Sarah Palin should run for president was this minute-long ad, which manages to edit together the half-dozen complete and syntactically correct sentences that Palin's been able to get out in her public career, aired over a series of low-resolution photographs (maybe switching to HD will help? Nope!) and set to the strains of classic Pure Moods jam "Adiemus," by Adiemus. Though, to be honest, I'd basically support anything that features "Adiemus." Sarah Palin, genocide, terminal illness, whatever—just play "Adiemus" and I'm behind it 100 percent.

Here's Mitt Romney's first television ad! It is fantastic, in the sense that it manages to encapsulate, in the span of one minute, the entire Romney "brand": boring, wrong, nonspecific and slightly dishonest. (It's not so fantastic in the "at all engaging to watch" sense.)

Here's the latest brilliant ad from Rick Perry, in which he takes President Obama to the woodshed for saying at a conference this weekend, "We've been a little bit lazy I think over the last couple of decades." An outraged Perry responds, "Can you believe that? That's what our president thinks wrong with America?" Well, dude, you were just too lazy to include the word "is" in your slickly produced new ad, so maybe the president has a point. Get it together, man! It's November, for Christ's sake.

This is Michele Bachmann's finest hour. I mean, for us, not for her. What do you think? My impression is that when you make a comically low-budget ad throwing together some clips of pretty much every other candidate being liberal-ish once or twice in their lives and sourcing your claims, however valid or not, with "www.wikipedia.com," you're likely in the twilight of your run.

Here's a creepy sex video from Vladimir Putin's United Russia party, disguised as a get-out-the-vote ad. It shows two people sexing in a polling booth with the tagline, "Let's do it together." Well, this works, but perhaps the corollary would've been stronger: Don't vote, and get shot in the head by secret police.

Are Republicans scared of Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren, the Matriarch of Mayhem? No, not at all! That can't possibly be why Karl Rove is already spending his SuperPAC dollars to destroy her in the state's first major ad buy, before the Democratic primary's even been held.

Here's the problem with Rick Perry's campaign: He and his SuperPACs have all this money, but no one really likes him anymore or has any interest in re-liking him. Where's all this money he duped everyone out of early on supposed to go? As of now it looks like he'll just keep saturating Iowa teevees with his same heartland-y ads over and over.

Here's an interesting way to rally opposition to a ballot proposition that would allow for same-day voter registration: convince voters that it's being pushed by gay activists and their pro-gay agenda.

Here's the latest chilling Obama campaign video, "What if...?", which warns of what will happen if supporters don't start donating, knocking doors, or handing out pamphlets and stuff starting right now.

Here's a new 90-seconder from the Democratic Super PAC Priorities USA highlighting all of the things that could go wrong if the country elects Satan as the next president. Or is that Mitt Romney? It's hard to tell, with all of the terror screams and thunder and all around evil atmosphere going on here.

Ah, so this is that version of Rick Perry who, according to folklore, is known to chug a full bathtub of champagne and benzos. It's his latest Iowa ad! "I'm a doer, not a talker," he says, cheerily, allowing sprightly music to plug up the holes in his otherwise hackneyed message. The man couldn't be any happier, as he skips off to a garden party in the Hundred Acre Wood.

Rick Perry's Texas campaign ads came a long way from their simplistic, early days, when he would just play around in sausage factories. By 2009, at the start of his most recent gubernatorial campaign, he'd set his sights on higher vistas: harnessing the power of social media. Watch as a smug little cartoon figure flops around while narrator Perry explains how to use Twitter, "a 'microblog' used to connect with friends and find out what they are doing."