• Axl Rose has been released from a Stockholm jail, where he was held after biting a security guard on the leg. Tommy Hilfiger got off easy, it would seem. NB to the unlucky victim: you might want to make sure your rabies vaccinations are up to date. [Page Six]
• Now that her stroll towards unemployment has become a quickly finished race, Star Jones is taping House Hunters NYC. It's a long fall down, isn't it? [Lowdown (bottom)]
• Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are still together, having just gotten past a "rough patch." Now they're back to bonding in matching sweats, a surefire way to keep any relationship exciting. [Us Weekly]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban honeymoon in Bora Bora, enjoying a $15K/night bungalow over the water. Sonja the security guard is also enjoying the vacation, protecting the couple from any of the island's over-aggressive flora and fauna. [IMDb]
• Tori Spelling takes her good, sweet time getting to her father's deathbed. [Page Six]
• Tired of Bahrain, Michael Jackson continues taking his traveling freakshow to France. [R&M]

• Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz may be completely done, though the couple is reportedly keeping the news under wraps. Better to let the press focus on Diaz's rumored nose job, right? [Janet Charlton]
• Stanley Tucci repeatedly elbows and smacks Anne Hathaway's breasts, explaining that he can't help it because she's "flinging those melons around like it's harvest season." Sexual harrassers in offices everywhere now have a new defense. [Page Six]
• Is Meredith Vieira stealing humorous small talk from, of all pathetic things, Pepper Dennis plotlines? [Lowdown (3rd item)]
• Director Robert Altman would like to introduce you to his friend, Bongjohn Silver. [R&M]
• Crisis abroad: Courtney Love to appear in West End "classic." [Fox411]
• Phil Collins is doing WCBS anchor Dana Tyler. Why do we care? Because if we can't get "Su Su Sudio" out of our heads, then you're going to suffer with us. [Page Six]

It had been so long since we'd heard anything about the Cameron Diaz "Sexy" Photos Trial, in which Diaz and photographer John Rutter sued each other over what were perhaps the least erotic seminude images of a pre-fame, A-list star ever taken, that we'd almost forgotten the whole situation ever happened. (We fear that the part of our brain responsible for storing the memory of Diaz perking up her nipples with a can of freon might have been damaged in the process of erasing the Fred Durst "touch my balls and my ass" incident.) But today comes news that a judge (does our justice system ever seem swifter than when punishing those who seek to expose celebrity naughtyparts to the public?) has piled on "an undisclosed amount in statutory damages" for Diaz's civil against Rutter, who's currently serving a jail term in connection with the earlier criminal case and undoubtedly lamenting his tragic involvement in what are probably proving to be the most expensive B-cups in Hollywood history.

· Blogger Kim Morgan's car was towed from a Cold Case location shoot, and now she's going after The Bruck himself for her $177 towing fees. Let's all hold him upside down and shake until the money falls out of his pockets.
· We can't decide what's more absurd: that a celebrity could possibly expect any privacy at Sundance, or that a magazine would pay for a photo of Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake completely disguised in ski clothes. (And does anyone else think they look like Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow hitting the slopes?)
· Why don't we just assume that every successful memoirist is full of shit and call it a day?
· Our pal from Sickcandy is commemorating UPN's demise by auctioning off one of the ugliest promo jackets you've ever seen.
· "Nikki: Shelby once blew Tommy Lee in a public restroom!
Shelby: Bitch! I did not! It was in a tour-bus restroom." The WOW Report watched the Crue gets its star on the Walk of Fame.

· Care Bear John Lesher leaves Endeavor to run Paramount Classics, hoping what he lacks in experience he can make up for in hugs.
· Ashlee Simpson earns her Doctorate in Public Asshology at a Toronto McDonald's.
· Yo, Trop: You got served! (With a lawsuit claiming racism.) Yo, Omar Sharif: Ditto!
· Warner Bros. lets the pink slips fly on Big Harry Potter Payday Eve.
· Brad Pitt and George Clooney have reportedly bought themselves a little gay bar to call their own, which they subsequently deny, deny, deny.
· A truly frightening Halloween: Bunny Paris hops over to the Playboy Mansion with various things stuck to her ass, as does Jeremy Piven, who also makes an appearance at Rick Rubin's bash dressed as a Bruce Lee with a black-belt in satisfyin' the ladies [SFX: Gong].
· Donald Trump's frank sex-talk causes the Great Baby Draught of 2006.
· Cameron Diaz insists acting-deficient boyfriend Justin Timberlake get a pivotal voice-over role in Shrek 3, causing DreamWorks' Jeffrey Katzenberg to plan a hit.

Radar Online reports on unbearable tensions in the production of Shrek 3, where Cameron Diaz helpfully "suggested" casting songbird boyfriend (and aspiring horrible actor) Justin Timberlake in a major, tricky role. Timberlake promptly repaid his lady's kindness by "ruining the movie," leaving screwed DreamWorks Animation chief pompom tipJeffrey Katzenberg to muse about ways to rectify the situation and save his money-printing franchise:

The precedent has finally been set: Take pictures of Cameron Diaz's 19-year-old boobies, then try to sell the photos back to her with a forged release claiming you can take them to the highest bidder if she won't bite, go to jail. Young Diaz eroticizer John Rutter was convicted of forgery, attempted grand theft, and perjury today, ending the actresses's infamous "Sexy" Photos Trial and sending Rutter to prison for up to six years. As if to taunt the world with a description of the photos it will likely never get to see, the AP offers up a taste of what Diaz's $3.5 million might've bought:

Under the pressure of relentless cross-examination by the Cameron Diaz Legal Team, pre-fame Diaz mammary photographer John Rutter crumbled like a three-week old bag of cookies on the floor of a stomping convention, admitting that the now-famous signature on the Booby Model Release Form Heard 'Round The World might have been less than authentic:

With the celebrity jurisprudence spotlight being hogged so mercilessly by Colin Farrell's efforts to keep the public from watching him engage in videotaped sex acts, we momentarily lost sight of Cameron Diaz's efforts to keep the public from seeing pictures of her 19-year-old, pre-fame breasts. Even with the nation's attention diverted elsewhere, the wheels of justice keep turning, as handwriting experts have determined that a release form supposedly signed by Diaz was forged:

Despite the effort the Defamer Special Correspondent on Celebrity Jurisprudence expended pressing his ear to the courtroom door, he was unable to come away with any advance snippets of Diaz's testimony. Instead, like the rest of our Hollywood-obsessed nation, we had to wait for a report to hit the wire services. The AP capably sets the scene:

Defamer's Special Correspondent on Celebrity Jurisprudence has finally arrived on the scene at the Cameron Diaz "Sexy" Photos Trial, joining a legion of other bored reporters sitting outside of the downtown LA courtroom and waiting for Diaz to emerge following her testimony. One photographer who spoke to our man-on-the-scene placed the odds of actually seeing Diaz at "slim to none," as she entered through some sort of private entrance. The SCoCP did manage to get scolded by someone who demanded that he delete pictures he'd snapped of courtroom sketches depicting Diaz on the witness stand "gesticulating with her left hand, palm facing upwards." The Special Correspondent's afternoon's highlight so far is a close call with an angry bird who buzzed by his head "four or five times" in an attempt to "peck [his] skull" as he walked through the parking lot on the way to the courthouse. Surely, this is some sort of harbinger of the swift justice awaiting the photographer who may or may not have tried to sell pictures of Diaz's uncovered breasts using a forged model release.

The Cameron Diaz "Sexy" Photos Trial, in which prosecutors allege that photographer John Rutter tried to shop topless photos and a video of a 19-year-old Diaz using a release with forged signatures, began yesterday in star-starved fashion, but at least the world now knows the amount considered a "discount" for pics of Diaz's bare, pre-fame torso:

· From whitestripes.com, Jack White's "wedding announcement": "Karen Elson and Jack White were married yesterday on the confluence of three rivers — the Rio Negro, the Solimones and the Amazon — in the Amazon basin in the city of Manaus, Brazil. They were married by a traditional shaman priest on a canoe at the exact point where the three rivers meet...This was the first marriage for both newlyweds." Oh, yes, this seems like it's all on the up-and-up. (New album drops Tuesday!)
· “What I felt from ‘Cinderella Man’ is realizing that getting punched in the head is stupid.” However, Crowe still considers nipple-biting during a nice punch-up "kind of great."
· Denise Richards gives birth to her second daughter with soon-to-be-ex Charlie Sheen present in the delivery room. Sheen's twenty-member hooker team was made to wait in the hospital lobby during the childbirth.
· Cameron Diaz sics her lawyers on the Enquirer. for insinuating that she knows what her Trippin' producer's tongue tastes like.

The You Can't Make It Up blog features a report from the 2005 Reebok Human Rights Awards, where a certain globe-trotting A-list actress proved that when she isn't whitewater rafting down the Amazon with Dax Shepherd to raise awareness about the destruction of the rain forests, she's always available to lend her estimable improv skills to help out with a good cause:

A reader obliged us with some scans from the National Enquirer's Cameron-Diaz-Supposedly-Making-Out-With-Her-Producer spread (click image for a larger version). Our verdict: As wildly inconclusive as we hoped feared knew they'd be! If you look really closely at the one on the left, you can sorta kinda make out the silhouette of a nose and lips...but that would be really easy to Photoshop in...and her face could easily be on his shoulder instead of leaning in for a....[Sound of shotgun delivering blog editor sweet, sweet relief from having to look at questionable, blurry tabloid photography ever again]

The issue of the National Enquirer that hits the stands today features pictures of Cameron Diaz allegedly making out with a man that is not boyfriend/finace/lifepartner/whatever Justin Timberlake. Here's the thing: The NE identifies the guy as Shane Nickerson, a producer on Diaz's better-world-through-bungee-jumping show Trippin'. And, conveniently for those of us with internet access, Nickerson has a blog where he defends himself and recounts how a reporter from the NE showed up at his front door to confront him with the story (make sure you read the whole post to get his side):

· Was Cameron Diaz attacked by a lion, a millipede, and some cicadas while filming her new MTV show Trippin'? This show's gonna be so totally awesome when she gets mauled by a tiger on-camera.
· The OC's Adam Brody's ex-girlfriend gets back at him in the pages of FHM. How will he ever recover from these put-downs? With fame, fortune, and sex with Rachel Bilson? Poor schlub, we hope he somehow pulls through.
· Ostrich Ink interviews the Glorious Ladies of Fugging.
· David Duchovy is blogging to promote his directorial debut, House of D. So far, it's not nearly as exciting as Michael Bay's fake blog, but we'll keep monitoring it for items of interest. [via LAist]

· Cameron Diaz fall down, go boom? She really should wear a helmet when using that sex swing.
· A former development VP is suing Madonna and the film arm of her entertainment empire for sexual harassment. Exactly how many cone bras and cases of Kabbalah water is it going to take to settle this out of court? She should hold out for cash, we're going to guess the bras have some mileage on them.
· The battle over Deep Throat's box office rages on. And on. [reg. req'd.]
· Fun fact: When TV people sit down to answer questions about their show, harping on the fact that no one watches it isn't considered very polite.

A reader submits this account of Cameron Diaz's high-speed chase with paparazzi yesterday, which ended in the parking lot at MTV's offices:

We promise that this is the last thing you'll hear about Cameron Diaz's new reality show, the insouciantly titled Trippin', until Monday at the earliest. As much as we hate to see a report like this disappear into the late Friday afternoon ether, this update deserves a posting before we disappear for the long weekend.