Jakob Dylan rocked Rupert Murdoch's minions; a Googler chatted with the Chinese police; and Diablo Cody announced her miniature kinda-
human.

Rogert Ebert made John Mayer's quote personal; Jason Calacanis made John Mayer's quote professional; and Brooke Hammerling made John Mayer's quote menstrual. The Twitterati didn't need slurs to be insulting.

Neither right-wing American pundit Jonah Goldberg nor French-wire-service-reporter Olivier Knox wanted to gaze upon the U.S.'s engorged senators; Jason Pontin saw the sky falling again; and Bow Wow wants his own movie. The Twitterati couldn't bring themselves to face reality.

A critic took issue with Tiger Woods' timing, of all things; a tech exec threw down against Barry Diller; and Olivia Munn gave Mr. Thunderstorm something to wet. The Twitterati were stepping to 'em.

Sarah Silverman compared her feelings to quicksand; Rob Thomas compared President Obama to President Bush; and a newspaper staffer likened the story process to oral sex. The Twitterati turned up the contrast.

Brooke Hammerling was once beguiled by an accent; Sarah Lacy was charmed by Middle Eastern calls to prayer and Wired locked the doors between print and online. The Twitterati reconsidered that which is foreign.

Micro-swine divided flack from newspaperman; inept cabbies kept two journalists from drinking together and there is something happening involving sex pigeons. The Twitterati made fuzzy friends.

Jennifer 8. Lee sought a "20something architect... construction worker... rapper," presumably for her Village People tribute band ; Elliot Holt ran into two squirrels and snapped a money shot; and Marissa Mayer mulled literature. The Twitterati were definitely seeking something.

Two years ago, music service iLike appeared to be set: Its CEO said it was "made," its investor mused it could be a "billion-dollar winner," and the press was enthralled. Now the poster child is a cautionary tale.

The problem with Twitterati isn't so much oversharing as undercaring. Laurel Touby's apartment woes, Lockhart Steele's porn name, and Penelope Trunk's divorce bill are as good as the media elite's tweets get!

Dispatches from the land of Twitteronia: Penelope Trunk and Brooke Hammerling wrestled with their relationships, while Jason Pontin and Chris Lehmann wrestled with the facts. These are the fights Twitter always wins:

Not a good day for the Twitterati! Dan Abrams found himself stalked by a coworker. Perma-perky PR person Brooke Hammerling got bummed out. And an underling of Tina Brown faced up to an unwelcome chore:

CARLSBAD, CA — D6 conference organizer Kara Swisher and bicoastal überflack Brooke Hammerling prepare to torment former Facebook COO Van Natta, who doesn't seem to mind. Can you suggest a better caption? Do so in the comments, but behave yourselves and be clever, or I'll ban all you filthy louts. The best one will become the new headline. Yesterday's winner: Jimmy the Saint, for "Sometimes that new iPhone is just a cigar."

William Hesketh Lever once said, "Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted, and the trouble is I don't know which half." For over a decade, it's been promised that online advertising will fix that. On that note, we made nice with Brooke Hammerling, the bicoastal tech insider who observed that no one can agree on metrics, whether you're talking click fraud or online video downloads. (We've picked ours — pageviews — and we're sticking to it.) Companies like Kiptronic, which hosted the Revision3 party last night, have engineered interesting technology for counting videos, but in any case, you still need humans to move the inventory. At the Adroll party at Slide, silver-tongued founder Jared Kopf was seen giving his pitch — "price discovery algorithms" and "social discovery" — to Alan Cutter, CEO of ACLion, an ad-sales recruiting specialist. Cutter told us that he has a database of over 150,000 ad-sales executives; he's the guy you go to when you need to hire a salesperson in New York. Photos of some of the people who sell every last slice of the advertising pie, and convince you that the half that doesn't work tastes just as sweet:

BrewPR's snacky flack Brooke Hammerling penned a guest column for Silicon Alley Insider, arguing that the Web video industry needs to come up with a strict viewership metric. Though she doesn't mention it in the piece, New York-based online-video startup NextNewNetworks is a Brew client. (It's disclosed, in tiny type, at the end.) We could ask why Henry Blodget is giving a self-interested company rep a soapbox, or why they couldn't fix the red eye in Hammerling's photo. But the real question is why Hammerling suddenly cares about online video analytics.

The dirty secret behind last night's book-tour party for Dan Lyons, the man behind the Fake Steve Jobs blog? Rumor is it almost didn't happen, thanks to a little tiff over who was going to rep him. Flack fight! After the jump, the real battle over Fake Steve.

These days, a startup raising $1.5 million hardly seems noteworthy, so I was inclined to dismiss the news that Curbed Network, a New York-based blog franchise, had brought in that modest amount. This despite the fact that Lockhart Steele, Curbed's cofounder, is a friend and helped recruit me to Valleywag when he worked at Gawker Media, and Nick Denton, Valleywag's owner, is one of the investors in this round. No, I was more intrigued by the name of another investor: Zach Nelson, the Larry Ellison protégé who's CEO of NetSuite, the Web-based software company which has filed to go public. How could these two have possibly connected? A quick reading of the social graph revealed only one candidate: Brooke Hammerling, the hyperconnected founder of Brew PR and Valleywag's original Snacky Flack. The coast-swapping Hammerling says her career as a yentapreneur began when she invited Steele, a baseball fan, to an Oakland A's event hosted by Nelson. Hope you got a cut, Brooke.

The week of Web 2.0 Summit, with the industry converging on San Francisco, seems like as good time as any to throw a shindig. Everyone's in town for the schmoozefest, so you might get to meet quality people who normally avoid the party scene. While my boss hit the Reddit party, I hopped around town to some of the other events. Three, in fact. VC firm True Ventures held a gathering at their offices on Pier 38, a tech industry jam session — for charity, naturally — occurred across town at the Rickshaw Stop, and VCs Eric Chin and Mike Jung held a private party at Fluid for attendees of their intimate Alpha dinners in Woodside. Who needs sleep this week?