♦ You'd think that for $85,000-a-month, you might shell out a few extra few bucks on a maid. Apparently not. According to the Star, there's no one cleaning up after Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's kids, and their French chateau is a complete pigsty that "looks like a war zone." [Star]
♦ Jennifer Lopez raised $127,000 for charity by competing in the Malibu triathalon. She then flew directly to New York and spent $800,000 on Marc Anthony's birthday party. [MSNBC]
♦ According to the always reliable Joe Francis, Lindsay Lohan is straight. [E!]
♦ Lindsay: Please don't discuss how you're supporting Barack in November. You're embarrassing him. [NYDN]

Brodacious reality TV star Brody Jenner implemented the trusty crane kick to defend Coco De Ville from the haters on Tuesday night. Jenner stood guard outside the club to keep "the negative vibes" (his words) out of the club . Jenner added, "It's Tuesday night and people need to get ready for the weekend. So, if anybody with a negative attitude wants to step into the place, I'm gonna put them in a bodybag. There is no negativity in this dojo, sensai!"

[A cardboard cutout of Brody Jenner, son of athlete and Kardashian wrangler Bruce and "Hills" personality, advertising jeans or something; image via INF] fileunder's new line beats the original, Cardboard Cutout Of Person More Interesting Than Actual Person.

We've learned a lot about MTV over the past week, and now, thanks to In Touch, we've discovered just how big a paycheck the network will write for spouting banal words of wisdom and emotionally abusing your TV girlfriend. Yes, someone has leaked the per-episode salaries for each personality on The Hills, and never have so many earned so much for doing so little. Star Lauren Conrad is the biggest grosser (pulling down $75,000 each time a curious Whitney asks, "So what went down last weekend?") but the rest of the cast earns a pretty penny, too. Salaries and analysis after the jump:

Kim Cattrall turns 52 today, although we're guessing she won't be receiving any celebratory gifts from her SATC castmates. Other people blowing out candles today: Kelis is turning 29, Heroes star Hayden Panettiere is 19 and CBS Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith is 57. Former deputy mayor Randy Mastro turns 52. Google co-founder Sergei Brin is 35. Steve Case, the co-founder of AOL, is 50. Country singer Kenny Rogers is turning 70. Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher is 34. And Brody Jenner celebrates his 25th today, with what we're sure will be a drama-filled party that will eventually show up on The Hills.

Beloved actress Anne Hathaway embarked on a mini walk of shame outside of Coco De Ville Tuesday night. The Get Smart star, who recently split from con man & Zach Braff look alike Raffaello Follieri, allegedly had a lapse in judgment and gave reality TV maven Brody Jenner her number. At the valet station, Hathaway confessed to a BFF that she was suckered in by Jenner's frat boy charm. Hathaway sighed, "He had a backwards hat on and, well, I don't know....He just seemed like a guy who wouldn't be able pull off an elaborate con involving the Vatican, which is exactly the kind of guy I'm looking to rebound with. And he was wearing a backwards hat."

Liv Tyler pushing her son in a stroller outside their West Village townhouse ... Chuck Schumer and Al Sharpton walking through Midtown ... Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos filming a cooking segment with their son for Live with Regis & Kelly ... Lauren Hutton wearing shorts and sneakers on a walk downtown ... Rumer Willis posing in a party dress outside the David Letterman show ... Madonna's kids, Lourdes, Rocco, and David, playing in Central Park with the nanny ... and Brody Jenner leaving a dinner at Cipriani Downtown.

• Supposedly, Mary-Kate Olsen could get drawn back in to the Heath Ledger investigation "should new information become available... 'She's somebody they still have their eyes on.'" [The Awful Truth]

Brooke Shields and daughter Rowan taking a walk through SoHo ... Penelope Cruz leaving the ABC studios ... Katie Holmes and Suri checking out Little Mermaid on Broadway ... Diane Sawyer showing up at Jean Georges for lunch ... Leighton Meester walking around downtown in a strapless dress ... Brody Jenner filming a commercial in Washington Square Park ... Cosby Show alum Lisa Bonet filming a scene for a new TV show on the Lower East Side ... and Petra Nemcova showing off her new haircut at the screening for the film Holly.

Love Guru star Verne Troyer was the person to hang out with at the ESPN X Games Celebrity Golf torment on Tuesday afternoon. Troyer's audience at the tournament included reality TV mavens Brody Jenner and Frankie Delgado, the latter of whom compared the pint size actor's golfing skills to Phil Mickelson. Jenner said, "He's good, but he's nowhere as awesome as K-Fed. He's like the Tiger Woods of celebrity golfers, but Verne is kind of cooler cause he has that sex tape."

• Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty today to all six counts in connection with her assault on a police officer at Heathrow back in April. A sentencing date hasn't been set, but she's looking at a maximum six-month prison sentence and a $10,000 fine. We bet garbage duty in New York's looking a whole lot better now. [Daily Telegraph]

Watching Dave Letterman sucker-punch Hills axis of vapidity Spencer Pratt on The Late Show Friday night brought up one major question for us: why has it taken this long for a talking head to publicly shame the guylighted villain? Shilling, we presume, merely for the gruesome brand that is Spencer and Heidi, the numb and pathological Pratt answered a few very pointed questions regarding the MTV show's obvious scripted nature and what exactly Bromance nobody Brody Jenner does for a living. At that point, Letterman finally pulled out the big guns after Spencer boastfully claimed he "won't go to a club for less than $100,000." Dave's shock, insulting-yet-gentle series of guffaws and his no-beat-missed announcement that he wants Spencer off his set immediately sum up an interview too good to be true. See for yourself after the jump.

There's no use denying that we have had more than a passing interest in reality dating shows for just about as long as we can remember. From watching to Roger Lodge wink his way through Blind Date to finding ourselves hooked into all of the Flavor of Love franchises to our guiltiest moment where we watched a marathon of Shipmates, we had thought we'd seen it all from the genre. But today’s news that King of Television Ryan Seacrest has enlisted Hills boy toy/master nobody Brody Jenner to star in Bromance has officially ruined our ever-weakening belief in these shows doing anything other than harm to our souls. The premise, the challenges, and the overall stench of this upcoming MTV series sounds like, quite possibly, the worst idea in the history of ideas:

Hey dudes! Are you totally moving to LA, hoping to pull hot chicks and drive a fancy car and maybe have some sort of pretend job, just like boy-about-town and occasional Hills idiot Brody Jenner? Well you're in luck! The socialite son of athlete (and current Kardashian wrangler) Bruce Jenner will be starring in his own reality show, an inevitable piece of muck unfortunately titled Bromance. Shudder. Interestingly, American Idol host Ryan Seacrest's production company is behind the MTV debacle, which will feature "'"regular guys' who come to Hollywood and compete in a series of challenges from skydiving to dealing with the paparazzi — in the hopes of ultimately being chosen by Jenner to become part of his entourage." Plus hot-tub eliminations! More details after the jump.

· Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer watches a LOT of TV during the course of her day. Unfortunately, she sees a lot of funny moments that, for one reason or another, we don't get around to covering. She found herself with a few spare minutes this weekend and cut together this outtake reel of hilarious moments that we didn't manage to feature last week (save for KTLA's Jessica Holmes; her act is worth a second look). With that intro, please enjoy this feature that we haven't quite gotten around to naming yet. Enjoy and, if you have any suggestions for what we should call this, leave your suggestions in the comments! [Molls She Wrote]
· Proving that that they aren't going to let a little thing like a self-imposed "family hour" get in the way of making a buck (particularly after GE's atrocious first quarter earnings), it's NBC's officially licensed "MILF Island" t-shirt. [NBC.com]
· Nobody has more fun than Miley Cyrus. Nobody. [YouTube]
· Noted political heavyweight Brody Jenner has just released his official presidential endorsement. The resident beefcake of The Hills is voting for ... wait for it ... Obama! If you're wondering why, the answer is simple: "He's just cool!" Word. [Us Magazine]
· And just when you thought things were going bad for the State of California comes this news: California in for a devastating quake within 30 years. [SF Gate]

[The Hill's stars Lauren "LC" Conrad and Brody Jenner at a Las Vegas club last night; image via Splash]

On last night's episode of 'The Hills,' Spencer and Heidi continued to keep us all guessing and hanging about whether or not they'll get married. Will Heidi's tactical mistake—telling Spencer's sister, not Spencer, about her cold feet—derail their nups for good? Whatever, who cares! The real fun is, as usual, to be seen through the wide, darting, endearingly rodentish eyes of Lauren Conrad, who took her sometime boy-thing Brody to task for having a lot of sluts in his iPhone. Seriously, Brody, if you have more than one 'Amber' in your phone it means you have a problem.

• Britney Spears celebrated her birthday with Paris Hilton, as tradition dictates she must. [Pagesix.com]
  

As the saying goes, hell hath no fury like a Playmate scorned by a reality TV manwhore. Hefnerian figure model Holley Dorrough sharpens her bunny-claws to a razor edge, slashing out wildly at the marginally famous scion of Bruce Jenner in this MySpace attack: "1. Brody Jenner ( Malibu/LA, CA)- You can just go fuck yourself! You and ur little buddy Frankie. You get a high off THINKING you are famous. Think about it dumbass, YOU have done nothing. You are known as Brody, they guy that you will occasionally see on the hills trying to screw Lauren, or the guy who dated Lindsay, or Nicole , whos dad is an Olympic gold medalist a long time ago. But what have you done youself? nothing! You feed off other people to get fame. You only date girls that have made a name for themselves just to be seen with them so you can try and stay in the spotlight. You know that 75% percent of the girls in LA are whores and will have sex with you just to say they did and you take full advantage of that which is disgusting. Its pretty bad when I couldnt even mention your name without AT LEAST one girl in LA saying "ohh watch out for him girl." [MySpace]

Regardless of what your Halloween plans might entail, chances are pretty good that you'll eventually come face to face with the compressed, Lycra-silhouetted junk of at least one dude dressed as a superhero. Pretty on the Outside decided to grade some of the shrink-wrapped celebrity shlong on display this haunting season, giving head-of-the-class marks to Brody "The Hills" Jenner's shapely, right-bending manhood.