So: let's say it's Mother's Day, and you're in a bind, because for whatever reason, you're a terrible son. What to do? Interview noted Mom expert, Postcards From Yo Momma luminary Doree Shafrir!

So Glenn Beck has agreed to write books for children and teenagers. We almost missed that when reading about the Fox Newser's book deal today. We almost weren't terrified.

The idea of a book of microblogging "tweets" really bugs some people. Our own Nick Douglas, author of the forthcoming TwitterWit, already knows that. Now a New York Times columnist is feeling the hate.

So a regular feature with TAN on the weekend will be "The Assimilator". This week we have Vice co-founder Gavin McInnes, Grifter story-breaker Doree Shafrir, and a book editor talking about: Guess Who?

We heard Hank Paulson will give you $25 billion if you come up with a name for his upcoming book (and you are a former Goldman guy). So let's all pitch in!

Our video guy Richard Blakeley and his ladyfriend Jessica Amason, the Larry and Althea Flynt of junk-food porn, have a book deal! HarperStudio has purchased publishing rights to Tumblr This Is Why You're Fat.

There's now a rumored-price tag on George W. Bush's forthcoming memoirs, "Decision Points:" a $7 million advance from publisher Crown. How does that stack up to other Deciders?

We'll concede that former Valleywag Nick Douglas is, in our limited experience, among the wittiest Twitter users out there, and an entertaining chronicler of internet culture. But, really, $50,000 for his book of re-tweets?

That's what our New York publishing source tells us Douglas netted as an advance from his publisher, HarperCollins, for TwitterWit, his collection of other people's microblogging posts. Though he's not writing much original content for the project, Douglas assured us that slogging through submissions — want your tweets to LIVE FOREVER? click here — was pretty, uh, draining, "like watching five hours of porn: your sense of humor dies halfway through."

Twitter has already spawned a deal for an appropriately meta book, so you knew that Tumblr couldn't be far behind. Tumblr's is all about animals, because people don't read "words" any more.

Remember when we all got outraged that Rod Blagojevich got a book deal? Well we should've guessed it came from a shady Hollywood publisher with a history of lawsuits and bankruptcy!

Permasmiley celebrity Columbia writing student James Franco is going to have a book of his short stories published by Scribner. This, strangely, is the least ridiculous book deal we've written about this week. [Fox]

Someone gave former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich "six figures" to write a book about how he went about selecting a replacement for Barack Obama, in the Senate.

HarperCollins is paying Nick Douglas a five-figure sum for Twitter Wit, a book of the Gawker alum's favorite Twitter posts. Is getting paid for aggregating other people's "tweets" as lazy as it sounds?

Alexandra Penney—the stupendously un-self-aware once-rich former magazine editor and sex book author who lost all her money to Bernie Madoff and became our favorite blogger—has a book deal! "Notorious" is the new "Deserving."

When you think of "Hot Celebrities Who Provoke Bidding Wars Among Publishers," the first name that springs to mind is "Diane Keaton." Her barely-sketched book idea is sure to recoup all those millions:

Noted drunk college drop-out David Plouffe just got a million-plus dollar book deal, and he doesn't even have a Tumblr. (Does he?) Here's the dumbest quote from the story:

Bill O'Reilly got a $5 million dollar advance for his new book, A Bold Fresh Naughty Piece of Humanity Learns to Say 'No' To Drugs. But who's looking out for you? (Hint: Nobody, loser.) [NYP]

Time's Mark Halperin, the most singularly irritating and negatively influential "reporter" in politics today, got a "mid- to high- six-fugre sum" to write a book about the ongoing presidential campaign with New York's John Heilemann. Hey, Mark already wrote a book about the 2008 campaign! It was called The Way To Win and it was about how "The Way To Win" was to emulate Karl Rove and suck Matt Drudge's cock. That book was sooo prescient and successful—remember how well that strategy worked for Hillary Clinton? Hell, remember how well that strategy worked for Mark's book sales? [NYP]

Give Me a Book Deal [Tumblr, Related, Related]

If everyone's getting a book deal for their blog, why aren't you? Mostly because your writing hasn't gone anywhere better than a Gawker comment thread, but also because you haven't followed these three steps (note: not a joke article! Real advice inside) to getting a blog book deal. Short version: Start a blog that's short and sweet and high-concept, spread it on Tumblr and LiveJournal, send it to Gawker, and call Kate Lee.