Sophisticated soda connoisseurs drink Diet Mtn Dew. Average people drink Diet Coke. Then there are the loners, misfits, and weirdos, who drink Diet Pepsi. They’re always hollering about some obscure grievance.

Americans are drinking less soda with each passing year—which makes the remaining soda that we do drink all the more important. Sadly, new evidence indicates that this country’s taste in soda is going to hell. Hey, someone call a “Doctor....”

If you opened a sealed can of water from the 1950s and drank it, what would happen? Would you die? Only one way to find out.

Pepsi cola that you make at home in a SodaStream will be one of the most unnecessary consumer products of our generation.

Mustard-colored mustard merchant McDonald’s cares about kids, to the extent that kids can whine enough to convince their parents to take them to McDonald’s. McDonald’s: heroic, or most heroic?

Americans, who fancy themselves sophisticated nutrition experts even as they consume a diet increasingly made up of petroleum byproducts, are no longer content to drink just any swill. They now prefer to drink swill that is worse than the previous swill of choice.

A new study of America's woefully inadequate parents finds that many of you have mistaken beliefs about nutrition that will—in all likelihood—one day kill your kids. Allow us to help you with a useful public health guideline.

You, the American soda consumer, should be aware that your precious swill contains a chemical called 4-MeI, which has the unfortunate side effect of giving humans cancer. How many of you will get a deadly disease as a direct result of this chemical? Consumer Reports kindly figured out the answer.

American orange juice consumption is at its lowest point in 18 years. What's up with you people?

Here in America, the home of taste and sophistication, we drink "tea," to demonstrate that we are not crude savages. In Japan, however, no "thousands of years of cultural legacy" can hide the fact that they drink garbage coffee.

For those niche purists who find the tasty Martian flavor of Diet Pepsi somehow off-putting, there is Pepsi One—a different, more poisonous diet soda flavor.

Coffee, "The Bean of Kings," has a worth that might be considered infinite. But right this moment, it's worth is more accurately described as "Cheap as hell."

What's not to like about diet soda? Same brown, sludge-like color of regular soda, plus a sickly sweet aftertaste of sugar mixed with burnt plastic—all without any calories. Alas, it seems that Americans are tiring of diet soda. Is everything different now, beverage-wise?

Beer-swilling Americans, globally regarded as the very Platonic ideal of refinement and taste, are renowned for their refined palates. They certainly are not the type of people to sit around on the back bumper of a pickup truck and drink themselves senseless on literally any form of alcoholic liquid no matter how disgusting while ranting about unfavored sports teams. So it is newsworthy to report that this group of gourmets is now being enticed to drink their beer out of a humble can.

People are drinking less orange juice these days.

You like coffee? Yeah, I used to like coffee. I'm kind of over that now. I've evolved past that. I've advanced into tea. Tea is kind of the new "thing," for me and my 300 million closest friends, the citizens of the United States of America.

You hear all these so-called "health experts" and "emergency room doctors gazing at our insulin levels in amazement" today who tell us, "Hey, don't drink so much soda," or "Hey, how can you put Mountain Dew in your baby's bottle, you monster?" They're always telling us to drink more water. But water is gross. What to do?

It must be said right up front: coffee is a utilitarian beverage that exists mainly to wake you up. Therefore, treating coffee as some delicate wine-like treat that can only be appreciated by a select group of gourmands is absurd. Or is it?

Your annual update on The Decline And Fall of the Soda Empire: American soda (meaning "Coke," for people who talk regular) consumption was down by 1.2% in 2012—AFTER BEING DOWN BY 1% THE YEAR BEFORE THAT ALSO. Sales of carbonated sugar water have been declining each year since 2005.

If you're a hip and trendsetting young urban affluencer like me, you can hardly count how many times you've purchased a new brand of bottled water, only to be disappointed with its lack of that... certain something. "I dunno, this just takes like water," you grumble, tossing the disposable plastic bottle onto the mountainous pile of similar empty plastic bottles that have built up in your tastefully decorated apartment, a testament to your restless search for a bottled water brand that speaks to your lifestyle. I am here to tell you that there is finally hope: a bottled water that comes from Brooklyn.