Were you one of those people who was always up in the grocery store with your husband or whatever saying "No dear trust me this POM juice is definitely worth $69.99 for this eight-ounce serving because, honey, listen, it is so amazing for your health, I read about it, trust me." WERE YOU? Well, you were wrong, unsurprisingly, and now the whole world will know about it.

Today comes the most shocking and demoralizing report on the evolving taste of the American consumer since we discovered that kids these days are sellouts: Americans, it seems, now consider themselves to be "too good" to drink milk—despite clear evidence that it does a body good. Shall we just shoot mom and poison the apple pie next, to get it all over with?

Smooth move by thinspirational pro-ana billionaire Mike Bloomberg: he'll ban big huge sodas that poor people drink, sure, but don't worry, people who actually vote and/ or donate money to political campaigns—your precious huge syrupy Starbucks quote sweetened coffee beverages unquote will be safe, because they contain milk.

Soda: the fizzy plague. The nectar of diabeetus. The bubbles of death. The artificial flavors and colors of tongue fun. Americans are drinking less soda these days, what with the undeniable public realization that that shit is poison, and the associated social shaming that goes with being a poison drinker. And thank god for that. But to be clear: you, Americans, you fools, still drink way too much poison swill of doom (soda).

Soda sales here in the U.S. of A were down again last year. We're back down to—get this—1996 levels of soda consumption.

What is the best kind of soda, all things considered? That's right: it's Diet Mtn Dew. No contest.

Our long national nightmare of coke cans looking different than usual has ended: Coca Cola has announced that it will scrap this year's white holiday-designed cans, and return to "time-honored red" next week. Why? "Sacrilege."

Just as the world's fanciest coffee is made from the partially digested coffee beans plucked from a Filipino tree rodent's poop, the world's fanciest tea will soon be created from the dung of panda bears.

Apparently there's this tea that people are drinking now called Rooibos tea. I've never heard of it before, but no doubt all of you have and will now berate me for not being on top of the latest alternative beverage trends.

This American Life says it's found the original secret recipe for Coca-Cola—weirdly enough, in a 1979 article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

Starbucks' new "Trenta" size coffee cup can hold an entire bottle of wine. And already does, for some of you.

A Latin American booze distributor now sells "dram in a can," 12 ounces of whiskey in one vessel. That's eight shots, so they're marketing it as "the perfect size to be shared between three people." Scottish whiskey makers are outraged.

Sum Poosie is "the Girls Gone Wild of energy drinks," "a vagina-themed cherry-flavored energy drink that will fight HIV while maintaining your erection." It's a big hit in the lesbian community. Have you tried Sum Poosie, yet?

This year U.S. consumers will spend $500 million on "relaxation drinks" (like the ingeniously-titled Drank) to counteract the Red Bull, coffee, and other "energy" shit we drink. If you chug a relaxer and an energy drink simultaneously, is that speedballing?

McDonald's saw you, the consumer, purchasing coffee at Starbucks. Therefore , McDonald's introduced its own coffee-like beverages to lure you, the consumer, back into McDonalds. It's all part of a grand plan: McDonald's will soon be the only beverage purveyor left.

New York's Cafe Grumpy has invented the $12 cup of coffee, "flavors you would expect in a really nice glass of wine—it's a cacophony of nuances." We must keep nuance out of our coffee. It could ruin America.

Have you heard about this Coffee Party? It's basically a Facebook page, but has been somehow featured in the Times and the Post. The party stands for "cooperation in government." Whatever! Here are six other beverage-based parties that should exist.

The Minnesota Supreme Court has ruled that bong water counts as a controlled substance, and you can be prosecuted for it. Who's that knocking on the door? Drink up, hippies.

Pussy™ Energy Drink: "Pussy is a 100% natural drink. No nasty chemicals and nothing manufactured."Pussy is Jonnie Shearer's vision. He set up from his bedroom at 21 and launched in June 2004." You can't go wrong, copywriting-wise. Pussy's not available in America, sadly. [Here, via Copyranter]

When he's not busy writing stories about masturbation incidents that end up with intestines being sucked into swimming pool drainage systems, Chuck Palahniuk likes to relax with a nice glass of Scotch. [Copyranter]