You've heard of a spermine facial, haven't you? (If you haven't, it's exactly what you probably think it is.) How about a bird poop facial, which has gotten lots of media attention recently? Maybe you'd be interested in "extreme cryotherapy," which involves stepping into a chamber that's been cooled to 216 degrees below freezing and which may tighten your skin, assuming you survive? (You can actually scratch that last one off your list; it isn't available in New York just yet.) If you're feeling adventurous as we head into fall—and you've got some cash to burn—there are all sorts of dubious procedures you can subject yourself to, provided, that is, you can get beyond their horrifying descriptions. A collection of some of the zaniest ones—and where you can find them in NYC—is below.

People have their panties in a twist because an Indian cosmetic company is selling their skin lightening cream by telling dark-skinned men they're ugly and will never get laid. Um, isn't the fact that this cream exists problem enough? [CNN]

It was all a trick, by marketing people, to get you to buy body wash! The NYT digs deep into the dirty scam—it turns out that instead of being an honest appraisal of body wash's ability to engorge the loins of females, all those sexxxy Axe ads may have been tainted by hyperbole. Furthermore, girls were using body wash before boys, and now boys are using it which makes them totally gay, differently-designed packaging be damned! Like Big Tobacco, Big Body Wash gets you while you're young:

A woman who claims her life was ruined after she stopped off at Bliss for a Brazilian wax is going to have her day in court. Somer Graham filed a lawsuit against the chain after a waxing session in 2006 left with "serious injuries to her genitalia," which, she says, has since left her with unending pain, made it impossible to go to work, and ruined her sex life. This week, an attempt by Bliss' lawyers to settle the case and avoid a trial was denied by a judge. Presumably that's good news for Graham, who is seeking a large settlement from Bliss for her misery. But it also means she's going to have to spend a couple of weeks sitting in a courtroom as opposing medical experts debate whether this is simply a case of a little "vulvar irritation" or a more serious incidence of "labia trauma." Awkward, no? The ruling is below.

We may have a black president, but race-based "good hair, bad hair" politics remain. Duh.

Padma Lakshmi's fitness secret: Be a freakish genetic outlier.

Science is a "thinking man's game." And excessive tanning is a dumb man's game. But now science itself has proven that thinking too much will kill you—by tanning. Uhh, Jersey wins!

That is not one of our "jokey"-style headlines! Rather it is a quite accurate summation of the true state of affairs in the world. Tanning beds will give you cancer for sure, scientists say. Adios, Jersey.

Michael Bloomberg looks pretty good for his age. But he could always look better! Thanks to the magical powers of New Beauty magazine's highly addictive Instant Makeover Tool—do not visit the site unless you're prepared to fritter away half your afternoon—we subjected the mayor to an eyebrow lift, eyelid fold, blepharoplasty, rhinoplasty, lip augmentation and jaw contouring, and then used some injectibles for treat those depressing nasolabial folds and frown lines of his. He turned out quite nicely, don't you think? You can review larger before-and-after photos here, if you'd like to inspect our work more closely. Now all Bloomberg needs to do is make an appointment with the plastic surgeon of his choice and we can all look forward to a much more fresh-faced mayor on the campaign trail this fall.

Ever wish you could look like the Real Housewives of New Jersey? Or, more likely, wish you could look nothing like the Real Housewives of New Jersey? Well, W gets to the bottom of the tanning, botoxing, buffing, and spackling routines of Caroline, Danielle and Dina (who, along with Teresa and Jacqueline, put on quite the table-throwing season finale last night). Mimic or avoid at your own discretion.

A tipster tells us—and we have since confirmed—that Insitu, the Gramercy salon founded by stylist Paula Casano and known for its Japanese hair-straightening expertise, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. It's not just the salon's curly-haired clients who will suffer if it's forced to close it doors: Insitu is one of the few salons in Manhattan that works with the Locks of Love project year-round, offering free haircuts to women willing to donate their tresses to economically disadvantaged cancer patients. The grim evidence is below.

Who's benefiting from the collapse of the economy besides vulture investors, short sellers and bargain-hunting fashionistas? Blondes! Or, more specifically, blue-eyed blonde models, who are experiencing a renaissance now that designers are casting "wholesome-looking girls with flaxen manes" in their ads in an effort to "reassure" rather than "shock" the consumer.

Botox won't be the only option on the menu the next time you head off to see your cosmetic surgeon or dermatologist. A drug called Dysport just won approval from the Food and Drug Administration. Just like Botox, Dysport uses pure poison (botulinum toxin) to relax your muscles and smooth out the wrinkles you'd really rather not have for your upcoming class reunion. But it's more expensive than Botox—and research suggests it's less effective and riskier compared to the competition—so feel free to ignore everything you just read and stick to the lethal poison you already know and love. [Bloomberg]

So everyone is talking about the swine flu and thousands of New Yorkers feared for their lives this morning when a plane circled around Lower Manhattan. One thing that will only serve you frighten you more: Paris Hilton is preparing to roll out her ninth perfume next month, and her "fragrance empire" rakes in an estimated $200 million a year. And if you're thinking that having nine different perfumes on the market might mean she's totally saturated the market, well, think again. She just signed a new five-year contract with the fragrance giant Parlux, and should have a total of 13 perfumes on the market by 2014. Unless Mother Nature intervenes and we all get swine flu and all die, of course. [NYDN]

It's the biggest curse of womankind—eclipsing PMS, childbirth, bikini waxing, mandatory starvation, sharing a gender with Gwyneth Paltrow, and earning 75 cents to a man's dollar—and yet modern technology still hasn't figured out a way to eradicate cellulite. It is, however, doing its best, and the latest gizmo that promises to de-ripple butts and thighs is the Smoothshapes laser, which is being promoted by dermatologist Neil Sadick and which Oprah magazine's Valerie Monroe road-tests for our edification.

It reads like the plotline for a particularly lurid Law & Order episode: A 43-year-old Bronx woman dies suddenly; her death seems tragic but unsuspicious, until the medical examiner discovers a silicone embolism in her lungs and her family reveals that she'd been given body-plumping silicone injections by an unlicensed cosmetologist, who would have been charged with homicide had she not fled to the Dominican Republic.

She may not know much about PR, but one thing Olivia Palermo does know a lot about is nail polish, at least according to UK's Look magazine, which has declared her a "new style icon" for being brave enough to stick with the red nail color trend and get "snapped wearing the same nail colour again and again." Who knew Olivia's tiny fingers were capable of having such a profound effect on society? It's the next bit, though, that's really surprising: "With millions in the bank and a list of fashionable friends, you would think she would have a selection of nail varnishes to choose from." We would think she has multiple colors to choose from: That's how Korean nail salons operate, silly! We're not so sure about the whole "millionaire" bit, but presumably her dad will be pleased to hear the news.

Because God forbid there should be any time or place that isn't an opportunity for women to buy expensive make-up and skincare, Fred Segal has pioneered a vending machine—launching at their LA store but poised to go nationwide at gyms, airports, and nightclubs—that sells brands like Lancome and Bliss. Fine, but let's hope for more vending machines like they have in Japan, where a quick swipe of your credit card provides you with instant access to underwear, a live lobster or even a glimpse into your future. [Allure]

As part of the media's professionally-mandated obligation to scrutinize and pass judgment on every last detail of Michelle Obama's fashion choices, make-up, and comportment, we're now down to her eyelashes. Or, in fact, not her eyelashes but a rather splendid pair of falsies, which an eagle-eyed journalist breathlessly describes as "full-on, all-out diva lashes, the kind you normally find on D-list celebrities or in drag-act dressing rooms." The same pearl necklace with different outfits, but flawlessly-applied fake eyelashes: exactly the kind of prioritizing we can all learn from!