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You've heard of a spermine facial, haven't you? (If you haven't, it's exactly what you probably think it is.) How about a bird poop facial, which has gotten lots of media attention recently? Maybe you'd be interested in "extreme cryotherapy," which involves stepping into a chamber that's been cooled to 216 degrees below freezing and which may tighten your skin, assuming you survive? (You can actually scratch that last one off your list; it isn't available in New York just yet.) If you're feeling adventurous as we head into fall—and you've got some cash to burn—there are all sorts of dubious procedures you can subject yourself to, provided, that is, you can get beyond their horrifying descriptions. A collection of some of the zaniest ones—and where you can find them in NYC—is below.

Spermine Facials
Townhouse Spa
For just $250, you could have an aesthetician cleanse your face with factory-made spermine, an ingredient in sperm. Apparently, it's packed with antioxidants. Of course, there are likely thousands of men throughout the city who'd be willing to give you a sperm facial, totally gratis.

Leech Therapy
The Continuum Center for Health and Healing
Medical leeches, called Hirudo medicinalis, are used to treat osteoarthritis, reduce swelling, and detoxify. (Huh?) Whatever. Demi Moore is into it, and the woman looks amazing. Suckers are strategically placed on the body for about 60 minutes to do their thing, and then they fall off when they're stuffed. Good times.

The "Other" Face Lift
Phit
Yep, it's a spa for your vag. (Phit stands for "pelvic health integrated techniques.") First you get a gynecological exam, which determines the strength of your crotchal muscle tone. Then, they apparently teach you how to do Kegel exercises to strengthen your, um, situation. Just one more thing to be paranoid about.

The Geisha ("Bird Poop") Facial
Shizuka New York
This spa uses a variety of traditional-and not-so-traditional-Japanese ingredients to soften and brighten your skin. According to the spa's site, "the most crucial ingredient in this unique skin care treatment is uguisu no fun (powdered bird droppings), once a secret known only to traditional kabuki actors and the Geisha themselves." Perhaps the Geishas should've kept it to themselves. "Uguiso no fun" sounds like no fun at all.

The Fanny Facial
Smooth Synergy Cosmedical Spa
The "Fanny Facial" involves scrubbing your tush and using "microcurrent therapy" to lift and tone. Finally, your whole body—including each cheek—is given a spray tan. It makes anal bleaching seem so 2006.

Fish Pedicure
Not available
 The fish pedicure got lots of attention in 2008 when a spa in Virginia brought it over from China. Then it turned out that having fish nibbling on your toes was not all that sanitary. (Go figure.) To date, 14 states have banned the practice, and you won't be able to find it in New York. Let that be a reminder that if you've been tempted to have sperm, bird poop, and/or leeches applied to your body, you probably better hurry up. It may not be around for much longer.

— Molly Fahner