Earlier: Great Moments in Synergy: Paris Hilton Arrested for DUI

• Laguna Beach alum Kristin Cavalleri continues to justify her relevance through the strategic use of her vagina, which has been programmed to hone in on any male remotely connected to any female celebrity. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton may be in some trouble for her drunk driving arrest, but it's nothing her mafioso relatives can't take care of. [R&M]
• Speaking of the DUI Club, Mel Gibson emerges from hiding, unhappy to be faced with Jew paparazzi. [TMZ]
• Just now on The View, Babs admitted to having Botox — which is about the worst endorsement the treatment could have.
• Lionel Richie asks a doctor if his emaciated daughter Nicole is anorexic. Seriously? You had to ask a professional to get the answer? [Scoop]
• Warren Buffet disavows his granddaughter after she publicly admitted to being super fucking rich. [Page Six]
• Tom Brokaw joins Team Couric, albeit briefly. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Marcia Cross is pregnant, and nobody cares. Poor fetus. [IMDb]

Enjoy this cringe-inducing Best Week Ever montage of Barbara Walters's inability to keep her hands off the hair of recent guests of color on The View. Both popstar/starlet Brandy and TV hostess Tanika Ray get the business, enduring creepy hair-tugging and light caresses. Black people are different in all kinds of ways!

Brandy's life, which after Moesha had seemingly peaked with her current judging position on America's Got Talent, is about to take a turn for the worst: the otherwise forgettable young lady will assume the role of "token" on The View both today and Friday. Barbara Walters is implementing an awkward rotation of women to make up for the absence of Star Jones (may she rest in peace), and those proverbial "insiders" tell People that Brandy's turn in the henhouse is "for consideration for the permanent gig." While we've no idea who the other candidates are (aside from last week's Substitute Star, Renee Elise Goldsberry), Brandy certainly stands a chance as the show's next smiley and innocuous African-American, sure to create great, boring television with the smiley and innocuous Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Star Jones swanned her way to the Today show just now; the "fired" View co-host sat with Al Roker and spit out a bunch of saccharine reflections about the dramatics surrounding Tuesday's surprise resignation. No real bitchery, but definitely some Oscar-worthy "sincerity" about her time on the show — post-shitstorm, Jones said she received a heartfelt phone call from co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck, which was a testament to her little white heart.

Also: a few readers report that Jones called in to Steve Harvey's radio show this morning and said that yesterday ABC producers called her agents, informing them that Star was never to come back to The View, effective immediately. Burning bridges sure does make for a spectacular glow.

An unconfirmed source tells us that Star Jones has refused to get into her towncar this morning, sent to her every day so that she may gracefully get to The View's studios. But Star's having none of that, apparently. And now, at 11 AM, Barbara Walters has started the show solo, explaining that Star has known for months that producers were not renewing her contract, and because of her decision to tell People that she was "fired," there will be no mid-July farewells, no teary, nostalgic montages. Bitch ain't never coming back.

It sure didn't take long for the shit slinging to begin, but not 24 hours after Star Jones quit The View, Barbara Walters has told the Post that she'd been betrayed by Her Beardness. When Jones interrupted yesterday's show to announce that she was quitting, she didn't mention anything about being fired — but in an interview with People magazine, which hit online before yesterday's show was done, Jones said that producers had decided not to renew her contract, adding, "I feel like I was fired." This came as a surprise to Walters:

• America's first couple, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, may no longer be rolling in the filth of their wedded bliss. Brit's publicist refuses to deny that they've split, and in the court of celebrity trash, silence is an admission of divorce. If the sweet sounds of "Popozao" can't save a marriage, can anything? [Mirror UK]
• After signing a $6 million deal with Miramax Books for her memoirs, Barbara Walters has weaseled her way out of the contract in pursuit of a better deal elsewhere. If Hillary Clinton can get $8 million for her autobiography, then certainly Babs can fetch just as much. The face-lifts aren't going to pay for themselves, you know. [Page Six]
• Having worked for everyone in Hollywood, jailbird P.I. Anthony Pellicano may have worked with Israeli mobsters — a natural climb up the Power Jew ladder. [R&M]
• Brandon Davis issues an official apology to Lindsay Lohan after calling her a firecrotch. He's also "horrified" by that bit about her seven-foot-long clitoris, and considers the freckles coming out of her vagina to be "reprehensible." [Page Six]
• Fox News' Kimberly Guilfoyle is set to marry male socialite Eric Villency in Barbados tomorrow — and just in time, too, as she's 5 months pregnant. We can't have a bastard baby around Murdoch's house. [Lowdown]

• For you alarmists out there who believe in the myth of forthcoming environmental disasters, enjoy a map of what Manhattan would look like if the sea levels were to rise a healthy 9 meters. Au revoir, Alphabet City. [Flood.firetree.net]
• Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn's engagement enters the completely unfounded and highly unlikely rumor phase. [Patrique Gossip]
• New York's highest court denies Diddy's appeal, ordering him to pay over $19K/month in child support to ex-girlfriend Misa Hylton-Brim. That should just about cover the mental anguish of having to see him naked. [AP]
• And while Diddy may have to shell out more pennies than he'd like, at least he's still allowed to devote an entire Time 100 table to his formidable posse. [FishbowlNY]
• Axl Rose swears that Chinese Democracy will be out by the end of this century. Really, he means it this time. [Billboard]
• Lindsay Lohan appeared on TRL yesterday, but wouldn't talk to Vanessa Minnillo until their mutual flack Leslie Sloane Zelnick hammered out a 2-minute peace treaty. [Jossip]
• Barbara Walters is supposedly angry with Meredith Vieira for leaving The View. If she left us with Rosie O'Donnell, we'd be pissed, too. [TMZ]
• And finally, THE ELLIES ARE TONIGHT! WHEE! Check back here later for our breaking updates, sent lovingly from the scene of Magville's debutante ball.

If we may be enormous fags for just a moment, we'd like to say how embarrassingly excited we are to learn that Liza Minnelli will be singing "New York, New York" at Bloomberg's inauguration Sunday.

• Michael Isikoff finds "the Times' conduct at this point inexplicable." He also reveals in Newsweek that Judy's super-secret magically discovered June notes were "discovered in the [Times'] Washington bureau," rendering a little suspect the paper's former claims that it didn't have any of Ms. Miller's notes.
• Syd Schanberg points out a brilliant exchange from Judy's Barbara Walters interview: