Morgan Stanley today posted a 42% rise in quarterly profits, just the latest in this week's nonstop parade of big banks announcing huge earnings. Remember this moment, when the bad times come.

Bank of America posted a 63% gain in second quarter profits today, making it the fifth big bank to announce huge earnings this week. Fear everything.

Citigroup today became the third major bank to post huge profits this quarter, as finance once again becomes the most profitable industry in America. We are definitely in for some bad shit soon.

After the Great Recession struck, many "Main Street" types of Americans were mad that the entire global economy managed to melt down without resulting in any "Wall Street" types of Americans being thrown in jail. Finally, the law on this point is changing.

The U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Wisconsin announced a major conviction today in the ongoing criminal prosecution of the people who brought the economy to its knees four years ago via a toxic campaign of mortgage fraud. Meet James Wazlawik of Prescott, Wisc.

Big banks have had a rough several years. They, you know, participated wholeheartedly in the near-vaporization of the global economy. They have to make up those losses somehow. Fees are the answer to everything! Do you know how much your bank is charging you, for nothing?

A small handful of huge Wall Street banks are quite literally Too Big to Fail: the failure of any one of these institutions would rip such a large hole in the global economy that we'd all fall in and break our necks. In times of trouble, therefore, these banks will always, always, always be bailed out by the public— by you, and me, and your poor little grandma. We learned this the hard way during the last financial crisis. So what has changed since then? Nothing.

After they took a primary role in making the 2008 global economic meltdown happen, Wall Street's biggest banks listened to their PR advisors and practiced "humility" for a little while. (This means that they continued operating the same way, but sent out a memo instructing employees not to be brash about it.) But now, the stock market is booming again, we're living 2006 all over again, and the big banks have had enough of being pushed around by government regulators who might like to avoid the next huge financial meltdown.

In socialist Europe, where the hard work and financial innovation of bankers is not as appreciated as it is here, times are tough: bankers have just had their bonuses limited by law. How to deal with this new, slightly less opulent reality? An unintentionally hilarious listicle is here to help.

Everybody talks about the "Too Big to Fail" problem: financial institutions that are so huge and interconnected that, when they run into a crisis, the public will always bail them out, because the consequences of not doing so would be catastrophic for everyone. Nobody does anything about it. Maybe that's because banks have powerful lobbyists; maybe it's a human psychological flaw that causes us to stop worrying about inevitable future crises as soon as the last crisis seems to have passed.

A hedge funder is making noise about bringing down the salaries of executives at Morgan Stanley. Good. The government sure hasn't been successful at holding down corporate executive salaries, so maybe the market should work its magic—let hedge funds squeeze a few extra percentage points of profit in return for holding down the paychecks of the bosses of the banks they invest in. A worthwhile deal for the public. And a vindication of capitalism's mythical self-regulatory powers!

A.I.G., the backbone that runs one inch beneath the surface of the global economy, has gotten itself millions of dollars worth of free PR today by just considering joining a lawsuit against the U.S. government. To sue, or not to sue? To be ungrateful bastards, or to potentially miss a payday? It's not a complicated question, really.

Why are banks so enthusiastic about marketing their products to college students? Because college students, like most young people, don't know shit about shit. But unlike most kids, they have some money (even if they borrowed it). That means they are easy marks, and lucrative ones. A college student might think: "My school will protect my financial interests." See? I told you they were easy marks.

If ever you become misty-eyed and soft-hearted after watching a few too many soft-focus sunlight-drenched bank ads full of friendly professional women and smiling minorities who've just bought their first homes, it's good to remind yourself that big banks are, fundamentally, soulless robots whose only aim is to extract as much money as possible from you via any tactics they're allowed to get away with. They are the bloodsuckers of the poor. There is no better example of this than prepaid debit cards.

America is currently embroiled in a student loan bubble and when it pops, wooo buddy. *Makes whistling sound, gazes off into distance*... let's just say that I hope you can use some lacquer and a long stick to turn your college diploma into some sort of edged weapon to fight off the starving graduate student food mobs. Let's just leave it at that. Let's not get explicit, except to say that banks will literally take your mother's home if you try to not pay them back, so, you know, the weapon thing is maybe the way to go.

Police in Los Angeles have arrested a man they believe to be behind the brutal murder of a 35-year-old Russian artist in 2008. Daniel Becerrill II, a financial consultant from Huntington Beach, has been charged with homicide, as well as a number of other crimes, in connection with the murder. Police believe that there were a number of people involved in what they are calling a murder for profit scheme.

Last year, Bank of America tried to sneakily, oh so sneakily, instate a $5 fee on debit card users. Outrage ensued, and the idea was scrapped. But you didn't think that BoA's insatiable need for sweet, sweet money was just going to disappear, did you? There are plenty of new, sneakier fees they will hit you with.

Most of the big banks have kept quiet after President Obama controversially recess-appointed Richard Cordray to his throne atop Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. We still don't know how much this new bureaucracy will annoy the banks, but one can assume they were just fine with the previous arrangement, in which congressional procedural gimmicks were used to block it from ever taking formation. But then yesterday, something wonderful happened: Citigroup's lobbyist chimed in with a passive-aggressive blog post about the whole issue!

Bloomberg reporter Max Abelson should receive every last Pulitzer for his story today, "Look at These Atrocious Rich Fuckers Hang Themselves With Their Own Quotes." Or if you prefer the "formal" headline, "Bankers Seek to Debunk Attack on Top 1%." Good god. I mean really. It is almost Christmas. You bastards.

Champagne toasts! Chocolate fountains! Ice sculptures! Pin the tail on the urchin! Christmas season is upon us, which means well-heeled banksters will soon be gathering in the back rooms of Manhattan's finest eateries to honor Satan with shameless orgies of consumption. Tell us all about them.