For whatever reason, Lloyd Blankfein is getting to keep his job as Goldman Sachs' chairman.

By now you've heard the news that investment bank Goldman Sachs is in some hot water with the government. Today, executives from the firm will testify on Capitol Hill. Will there be drama? Here is a quick guide.

The President will speak at Cooper Union today, where he plans to chastise Wall Street while spelling out the details of his proposed financial regulation bill. Fearful of looking worse than they already do, some Republicans are signing on. [NYT]

More than half of self-identified Republicans don't blame banks for the financial crisis. Pollsters didn't ask who they do blame, but I'm guessing it's "blacks, poors, Nobama, Barney Fag and ACORN."

Thanks to you, the taxpayer—and following a bit of controversy—Goldman Sachs moved into its new "global world headquarters" in Battery Park City late last year. The best part about it? No rats! At least for the moment.

Rip Torn was heroically arrested for breaking into a bank drunk and armed over the weekend. Sadly, he wasn't launching a populist anti-banking revolution; he was so drunk, "he thought he had been dozing in his home." [NYP]

So: Visa and Mastercard—who've helped ensure that your brokeass stays broke after buying things that leave you broke—waived fees on Haiti donation transactions. Wells Fargo didn't. Somebody on the internet bitched about it. Wells Fargo's response is hysterical:

Republican New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg blamed the SEC for the nation's financial crisis yesterday, shortly after the Boston native was done pretending to care about the Jets.

Computer hackers can be so cruel. Not only did a "Russian cyber gang" decide to mount an attack on one of America's banks, they picked the nation's most feeble financial institution, too. According to the Journal, hackers likely used a $40 software program to gain access to Citibank accounts and make off with "tens of millions of dollars," although in typical Citi fashion, for now the bank is pretending the computer attack never happened. [WSJ]

Who knew Diners Club still existed? It turns out it does and today Citigroup announced that it's selling off the near-dead credit card franchise to a Canadian bank for "an undisclosed sum" (read: not much) as it looks to shed "noncore assets and streamline operations." A look back at the glory days of America's first credit card below.

It was once thing when politicians and members of the media were haranguing Goldman Sachs over its plans to pay out massive year-end bonuses. But now shareholders are getting into the act, too, a move that shows "how anger over its big-money culture is spilling into the ranks of investors who typically shy away from debates over Wall Street pay." Naturally, these giant mutual funds aren't speaking up on principle. (They'd like to benefit a bit more from the firm's record earnings.) And whether they really plan to do anything about it is up in the air. But there's an indication that all the PR troubles that the firm has faced this week—and this may go down as the worst week in the firm's history from a public relations standpoint—are about to vanish instantly.

Goldman Sachs decided against holding a holiday party this year. Condé Nast revealed yesterday that it plans to proceed with its annual fête, albeit at a slightly less expensive restaurant. Now JPMorgan has weighed in. The party is on this year, which is certainly nice to hear. Not as nice: It will take place in the company cafeteria. [Dealbreaker]

We can appreciate things are tough over at Citigroup right now what with the bank's stock price at its lowest point since August. And, sure, Citi is looking to hoard as much money as possible in the event another crisis comes along. But this effort by bank employees to create their own personal stockpiles of cash? Now they're beginning to push it! [NYP]

Many have criticized Wall Street firms for not doing more to manage risk in the lead up to the financial crisis and many have wondered just how much has changed over the past year. Let it be known that JPMorgan Chase is no longer playing by the old rules when banks were handing out loans to anyone who asked. If you're an accused murderer? Well, then, the new JPMorgan Chase wants nothing to do with you.

Wall Street CEOs make a fortune, as you're undoubtedly aware. Even the chief executives of banks that have been bailed-out by Washington or have gone bust usually end up doing nicely. But despite the riches and perks these men have accumulated and massive egos they've developed along the way, few of them would do all that well in a beauty contest. Because it's high time that Wall Street take advantage of the miracle of modern science—and because we care, dammit—we took the liberty of contacting Dr. Anthony Youn, a board-certified plastic surgeon who has made appearances on Dr. 90210 and the Rachael Ray Show, to ask him what procedures he'd suggest these titans of finance consider if they want to look their very best. Dr. Youn's answers and cost estimates—and our commentary—is below.

Executives at Goldman-Sachs aren't known for their largess. But now, after the company and its powerful ties to DC have been dragged through the mud, officials may throw coin charity way. Sound good? Yes and no and maybe.

How are banks repaying American taxpayers for providing them with billions of bailout dollars during the financial crisis? By jacking up ATM fees to the highest they've ever been in history. Thanks, guys! [Slate]

"Tired of the government bailing out banks? Get ready for this: officials may soon ask banks to bail out the government. Senior regulators say they are seriously considering a plan to have the nation's healthy banks lend billions of dollars to rescue the insurance fund that protects bank depositors." Emphasis added, naturally. [NYT]

What should you do if you're downtown in the financial district and there's a massive crisis of some sort? Seek shelter at Goldman Sachs' new $2.4 billion, 43-story building on Vesey Street! It's the "the safest place you could possibly be" in the event of an attack, according to Michael Bloomberg. [NYP via Dealbreaker]

You gotta love banks. They bring the American economy to its knees peddling crap mortgages, only to be bailed-out en masse by the taxpayers, and now they're making a killing by charging customers ridiculous overdraft fees. Yeah.