Need further evidence that America's banking system could use a little fixing? Four NYU college buddies figured out that if you claim your ATM card has been stolen, you're not responsible for the charges, and the bank has 10 days to reimburse you for the loss. So the four opened account after account and pretended their cards had been stolen, over and over again, racking up about half a million bucks in phony refunds over the course of, oh, five years or so, before the banks finally figured out that there might just be a pattern here. Not that lawyer (and chick magnet) Eric Manganelli wasn't already a bit suspicious, of course. It's never a good sign when you count Al D'Amato and Bernie Kerik as friends on Facebook. [NYDN]

This week started with Goldman Sachs making billions in profits, and starting the Wall Street Pay Machine back up. Now, JPMorgan Chase has also posted a spectacular second quarter profit. Well. What could go wrong?

The seemingly-populist, very evil Bank of America is a hive of rat bastards, and anyone that's ever done any kind of business with them will understand this sentiment. But they're now taking mercy on their sad, recession-hit customers.

• Bank of America raised another $13.47 billion last night. [Reuters]
• How are banks making money these days? They're taking out life-insurance policies on their workers, with themselves listed as beneficiaries. [WSJ]
• The Obama administration may strip the SEC of some of its powers. [BN]

• The Carlyle Group will pay $20 million to end an investigation by Andrew Cuomo into its dealings with pensions and placement agents. [NYT, WSJ]
• Two attorneys at the SEC are under investigation for insider trading. [CBS]
• Hedge fund manager Jim Simons is facing tough questions from angry investors who put money into one of Simons' under-performing funds. [WSJ]
• Barclays is in talks to sell its Barclays Global Investors. Blackrock and Bank of New York Mellon are two of the bidders. [BN, Reuters]
• Six major insurance companies are getting a bailout. [BN, NYT]

• Disappointing retail sales figures and a surprising rise in the number of foreclosures are sending stocks lower this morning. [CNN, WSJ]
• The Obama administration is looking into ways to change the way people across the financial services industry are compensated and that includes companies that didn't even receive federal bailout money. [WSJ, NYT]
• Ed Liddy may be jobless soon: Trustees overseeing taxpayers' stake in AIG are seeking a CEO to replace Liddy as well as new board members. [WSJ]
• Speaking of AIG, were officials like Tim Geithner aware of the bonus situation at the company months before the news broke? It looks that way. [WaPo]

• Bank of America chief Ken Lewis and several federal officials will be asked to testify under oath as part of an investigation into whether BofA was pressured by the government into completing its deal with Merrill Lynch. [WSJ]
• The stress test tally thus far: Of the 19 big banks under review, six don't need to raise capital, seven others need to come up with some cash, and it remains to be seen what category the other six will fall into. [WSJ]
• General Motors, which faces a June 1 deadline to sort out its troubles or file for bankruptcy, reported a $6 billion loss for the first quarter. [NYT]
• The number of people filing initial claims for unemployment benefits fell last week, and to their lowest level in more than 3 months, too. [CNN]

• About 10 of the 19 largest banks that have undergone "stress tests" will be notified by Washington that they need to raise more capital. [WSJ, BN]
• JPMorgan Chase chief Jamie Dimon isn't expecting to be one of the 10: He said he thinks "there are still too many banks in the United States," and will happily acquire some of the institutions that can't survive on their own. [WSJ]
• UBS announced a first-quarter loss of $1.8 billion as the bank took more writedowns on risky investments and client withdrawals continued. [Reuters]

• Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis testified under oath that Fed chairman Ben Bernanke and former Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson pressured him to keep quiet about BofA's plans to buy Merrill Lynch. [WSJ, CNN]
• Credit Suisse reported a profit of $1.7 billion for the first quarter. [BN]
• Executives from a bunch of credit card companies will face off against President Obama today over possible limits on fees and interest rates. [BN]

Break out the bubbly and bring back the bottle service, because the huge banks that nearly collapsed on themselves in a terrifying Domino Effect of Financial Doom are back in the black, baby!

• Citigroup posted its first profit in 18 months today, which made Wall Street very happy and sent Citi shares up to a whopping $4. [WSJ, DB]
• GE's first-quarter profit fell less than expected, dropping 35% compared to a year earlier, results that gave shares a boost in early trading. [BN, WSJ]
• AIG chief Ed Liddy still owns a big stake in Goldman Sachs, info that will be most pleasing to Goldman conspiracy theorists out there. [NYT, NYT]
• Is the banking business showing signs of recovery? [NYT]
• Carl Icahn and Kirk Kerkorian are locked in battle over MGM Mirage. [WSJ]
• General Growth Properties's bankruptcy will make hedge funder Bill Ackman a very rich man. And he already happens to be a very rich man. [NYT]
• The president of the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco now says it was a mistake to allow Lehman Brothers to collapse. Now you tell us? [BN]

• JPMorgan Chase reported a $2.1 billion profit in the first quarter, exceeding estimates. Unlike Goldman, though, Jamie Dimon says the bank hasn't decided whether to return the $25 billion it's received in bailout money. [DB, WSJ, BN]
• General Growth Properties, the second-largest mall operator, filed Chapter 11 today, making it one of the largest real estate failures in history. [AP, WSJ]
• AIG is close to a deal to sell its auto insurance business for $2 billion. [FT]
• Investors remain concerned about the situation at GE and whether the company will be forced to go out and raise additional capital. [WSJ]
• Foreclosure filings jumped 24 percent in the first quarter. [CNN]
• Blackstone boss Steve Schwarzman says he's really worried about the "decline of capitalism." But he's got $25 billion sitting on the sidelines, and he's ready to pounce at any second assuming the world isn't ending. [Fortune]

• The markets were down big yesterday—the Dow shed 254 points—but stocks should do better today as the first quarter of '09 comes to a close. [CNN, WSJ]
• ABC News reports that the FBI and federal prosecutors are "closing in" on AIG's most notorious exec, Joseph Cassano, who made as much as $300 million running the company's disastrous Financial Products Division. [ABC]
• Wondering what Andrew Cuomo has been up to? Here's your answer: He just forced JPMorgan to refund a group of customers $4.4 million. [DJ]
• Morgan Stanley is set to raise $6 billion for a new global property fund. [BN]
• France is now looking to limit executive compensation, too. [WSJ]
• The 15 largest global banks are expected to shrink their balance sheets by about $2 trillion in 2009. [Reuters]
• Google plans to commit $100 million to a new venture capital fund. [WSJ]
• One more victim of the recession: the sanctity of contracts. [NYT]
• Carl Icahn is taking a gamble: He's bidding on Atlantic City's Tropicana. [DB]

In good times, white dudes like Sandy Weill, Charles Prince, and Bob Rubin ran Citigroup. Now that the world's most tentacular megabank is running aground, who's working the buckets? People of color.

• The government is in talks with Citigroup to raise its stake in the beleaguered bank to between 25 and 40 percent. [WSJ, DB]
• Federal regulators plan to review the financial condition of 20 banks this week as part of a round of "stress tests." [NYT, BN]
• Regulators have seized Allen Stanford's companies in Antigua and Barbuda; Stanford has also surrendered his passport to U.S. authorities. [Reuters]
• Shares in UBS have fallen to an all-time low as the bank continues to reel from allegations of tax fraud. [Reuters, DB]
• Even Dubai needs a bailout these days: The UAE said yesterday it will give the once-highflying emirate $10 billion. [WSJ]
• Steve Feinberg's Cerberus is closing down its Hong Kong office. [FT]
• Hedge funder Richard Perry is cutting fees to keep investors happy. [WSJ]
• The SEC is now in hot water over its handling of insider-trading accusations involving former executives at Lehman Brothers. [NYT]

• Have you heard? Our banks are insolvent. Happy Friday to you, too. [NYT]
• The markets are down this morning as the House and Senate prepare to vote on the $789 billion economic stimulus package. [CNN]
• It's still unclear whether Wall Street got the message that "that high living on the corporate tab is now unacceptable." That's comforting to hear. [Reuters]
• Leon Black's Apollo has tapped Henry Silverman as COO. [WSJ]
• AIG's financial products unit is now under investigation in Britain. [DB]
• Morgan Stanley has suspended its global head of real estate investing. [FT]
• Prosecutors have started interviewing employees of Bernie Madoff. [WSJ]
• Tim Geithner and Fed chairman Ben Bernanke are in Rome today and tomorrow to meet their G-7 counterparts to discuss the stimulus plan. [WSJ]
• Time's list of 25 people to blame for the economic crisis. [Time]

• After their CEOs took a pounding yesterday, it's possible that banks like JP Morgan and Morgan Stanley would just as soon give the bailout money back rather than have to battle legislators at every turn. [BN]
• More on yesterday's Wall Street-Washington showdown. [WSJ]
• Nearly 700 people made $1 million or more at Merrill in 2008. [DB, WSJ]
• Stocks have been falling over concern about rising unemployment numbers and fear that the stimulus plan just won't be enough to right the ship. [BN]
• Tim Geithner is responding to critics over his revised bailout plan. [NYT]
• Yet another large investment firm is now under investigation. [BN]
• A Morgan Stanley exec in China is under investigation by the SEC. [DB]
• In slightly better news, retail sales are up slightly. [BN]

• Eight bank CEOs will appear in front of the House this morning to defend their use of billions in bailout money. Expect serious fireworks. [Reuters, BN, WSJ]
• Four top execs at Merrill Lynch took home $121 million in bonuses just before the firm was sold to Bank of America. [WSJ, BN, NYDN]
• More on the lukewarm reception to Tim Geithner yesterday. [NYT, BN]
• Credit Suisse reported a fourth-quarter loss of $5.2 billion. [BN]
• Both Goldman and Morgan Stanley have suggested that they want to give the government back the billions they took in bailout funds. [NYT]
• RBS is cutting 2,300 jobs. [Reuters]

• Details about the Obama administration's plan to revise the bailout are still sketchy, but more will be revealed by Tim Geithner tomorrow. [WSJ, BN, DB]
• UBS is slashing bonuses by 80 percent, but the bank says it does not have plans to get out of investment banking altogether. [BN]
• Barclays announced that quarterly profits exceeded analysts' estimates. [BN]
• More trouble for Bill Ackman's Pershing Square Capital. [DB, NYP]
• Goldman chief Lloyd Blankfein addresses what went wrong on Wall Street in a op-ed piece for the Financial Times. [FT, FT]
• Sunday's New York Times, meanwhile, provides an account of what went wrong between Merrill's John Thain and BofA's Ken Lewis. [NYT]

Bank of America announced today it plans to sell three of its corporate jets, as well as a Merrill Lynch helicopter that it inherited when it acquired the brokerage firm. BofA will still have six planes left even after the sale. And still no word on when the bank plans to sell off the carpets in John Thain's old office. [AP]