A group of HSBC bankers executed their own careers when they decided to make a mock ISIS beheading video, and then compounded that stupidity by voluntarily posting the clip on Instagram.

Friends say they’re “worried” about a 23-year-old British banker who started openly snorting cocaine on the Tube this month. Worrying behavior to be sure, but at least he was kind enough to offer his fellow commuters what he dropped on the floor, which is honestly more than I can say for most drug-addled New Yorkers.

A Manhattan banker jumped from the seventh story of his Fifth Avenue apartment Sunday morning, after an argument with his co-op board over his beloved poodles.

What is undisputed is this: W. Bryan Jennings, an investment banker with Morgan Stanley, got a cab to drive him from his office in Manhattan back to his home in Darien, Connecticut. In Darien, Jennings proceeded to pull out a pen knife and stab the driver in the hands. Why?

Bloomberg's Max Abelson, who's carved out a fantastic beat providing Wall Street types with lengths of hangman's rope, has another fantastic story today, this time about the tragic lives of bankers dealing with smaller bonus checks. (Spoiler alert: some of them have to do their dishes by hand.)

Oh-oh, a new study of entry-level investment bankers finds the young masters of the universe afflicted with "insomnia, alcoholism, heart palpitations, eating disorders and an explosive temper." And that's the young ones. Why destroy yourself like that? There are lots of safer activities than investment banking.

Professional matchmaker Samantha Daniels has some tips "for the women out there who are dating or would like to be dating a man on Wall Street." And sure, you read what she has to say (tip number five: "Be Sexy")... or you could take the advice of a Wall Street Men themselves.

After writing about the crazy J.P. Morgan analyst who stalked his ex across the Atlantic pretending to be an Israei spy, and reproducing the insane 1,600-word letter from an investment analyst demanding that a woman he went on a single date with apologize for leading him on, we figured we'd open it up to our readers for more stories from the front lines of romance in the financial industry. And boy, did you all deliver.

Yesterday, we noted that financial professionals make horrible boyfriends. But they're not always horrible in the sense that they might follow you across the Atlantic ocean and leave a tracking device in your bag—sometimes they're horrible in the sense that they send you 1,600-word emails asking why you haven't called them back after one date.

Sure, dating an investment banker seems nice. He's rich! He dresses well! So what if he's married? He takes you out on his boat! And then he follows you to London, breaks into your apartment, steals candlesticks, pretends to be an Israeli secret agent, and puts a tracking device in your bag.

If you are unfamiliar with the specifics of the Penn State scandal, you may be under the impression that the real victims are the children who were allegedly raped and otherwise abused by assistant coach Jerry Sandusky. But you couldn't be more wrong! The real victims are Penn State alumni. More specifically: Penn State alumni brokers.

Celebrity chef Mario Batali indelicately compared "the entire banking industry" to "Stalin or Hitler and the evil guys" at a Time panel on Tuesday. A poor choice of metaphor, for sure—especially when you consider that bankers make up a significant portion of the customer base at Batali's high-end New York restaurants. Even more so when you consider what crybabies bankers are.

Just as the Civil War turned brother against brother, father against son, Occupy Wall Street now has a civil feud, between overachieving identical twin sisters Jill and Nicole Carty.

Did you think that, maybe, a growing month-long protest directed against the financial services industry would make investment bankers and money managers start to question themselves? Ha! You have never met a banker, have you?

The golden age of anonymous corporate elevator Twitter accounts is ending. It lasted about a week. After @CondeElevator closed down operations because "This got really crazy. Love my job," a series of knock-off elevator Twitter accounts launched. The only worthwhile one was @GSElevator, tweeting overheard conversations from Goldman Sachs branches the world around. According to Page Six, the company's notorious rigid management has "kicked off an internal probe" on the matter. After reportedly trying—and failing—to get Twitter to freeze the account, Goldman is now "investigating who is behind it. They believe it is an intern or a young gun, but there are enough facts on the feed for bosses to suspect it is someone with access inside the company."

A staffer working for Rep. Darrell Issa's Oversight Committee on financial regulation issues has come under scrutiny by ThinkProgress for changing his name after he left his previous position at Goldman Sachs. The story implied that he changed his name three years ago to hide his background with the company.

House Speaker John Boehner will tell a bunch of bankers tonight that his members won't accept a federal debt ceiling hike for anything less than "trillions" in spending cuts. This is an aggressive posture. Stupid arbitrary caps on stuff!

Because Swiss bankers are such notorious slobs, always showing up at work in old Metallica t-shirts and unwashed tighty-whiteys, UBS has issued its staff a 43-page (or possibly 52-page) dress code, covering them from fingernails to unmentionables.

"Greed, greed, and more fucking greed." We've all heard the schpiel about how we got into this economic mess plenty of times (maybe not enough), but have you heard it from a true Irishman, accent and all? Now you have.

Hottie banker Debrahlee Lorenzana, who says Citigroup fired her for being too hot, really was quite hot, reports the New York Daily News, which joins the scandal of Debrahlee's hotness with eyewitness testimony. And another gallery of sexy pictures.