Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has generated an unceasing torrent of press attention that some estimate to be worth roughly $2 billion. Yet the central mystery at the very core of his persona—his inscrutable hairdo—has somehow, impossibly, remained unsolved. Until, perhaps, now.

What is up, generations of bemused and confused observers have asked, with Donald Trump's hair? The television clown and serially bankrupt business mogul sports a peculiar, swirling spun-sugar-colored confection on top of his head. It is clearly an elaborate work of artifice, designed to confound the eye.

If you've not seen George "Jason Alexander" Costanza lately, perhaps you don't know that television's most famous bald man is now trying to convince the world—via a toupee? Hair plugs? Something—that he in fact has a luscious head of brown hair. As a man who has not yet had a problem with hair loss, far be it from me to tell anyone how to deal with a retreating hairline. The line I'm more concerned with is the timeline.

Expertly coiffed pop star Justin Bieber doesn't understand why Prince William's hair is thinning.

"You need to see this photo, Drudge Report and Gawker," The Toronto Star tweeted today. The photo in question is of the ugliest mouse imaginable—veiny and bald and resembling an impossibly mutated monster's scrotum—with a tuft of coarse black hair growing from the back of its neck. The hair, the Star writes, is the product of revolutionary "bioengineered hair follicles" created by stem-cell researchers in Japan.

Breast exams! Einstein proof! Whisky power! Hair stratagems! Osteoporosis fracture! Baby obesity! Old plants! Healthy barbecues! And the mysterious mind of mankind! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—or whatever you call it!

Hair Club for Men—now called simply "Hair Club" in order to communicate to ladies that yes, you ladies are welcome here too, come right in—has made a strategic decision to turn the vast resources of its sly marketing machine (which created "I'm Also a Client") on a new hairless demographic: bikers (the motorcycle kind). This probably makes sense somehow.

Behold: A rare sighting of John Travolta without his wig. In Hawaii celebrating his 57th birthday with wife Kelly Preston, Travolta sat on a swing and allowed the sea breeze to sweep through the small amount of hair he has left.

Prince William may be the glamorous figurehead of an island nation, but he's still bald. We're not going to sugar coat it (because we're not bald): Baldness is terrible in many ways!

A group of scientists believe they've figured out the "root cause" (ha ha) of male pattern baldness. It's witchcraft! No, actually, it's stem cells. And if you want to get rich off a "cure" for baldness, you'd better get cracking.

A Mississippi salon owner says that an unexpected power outage left a client bald because she was unable to wash out some hair treatment chemicals. Maybe you should not put chemicals in your hair that can burn it off?

Back fat! Artery gunk! Acupuncture science! Butterfly strokes! Bald death! Coke problems! It's your fundamentally important Health Watch, where we watch your health—assuming you're human, which we do!

Assailing PR man/humble website proprietor Dan Abrams, a known bald man with a hair-system of some kind, on last night's Countdown, thick-maned pirate Olbermann employed some very subtle wordplay. He used coded language and punnery to mock Abrams' shameful chromedomedness.