Sandra Fluke, 32, whom you would never have heard of if the right wing hadn't blasted her as a slut for wanting some birth control, is seeking the California Democratic Party's blessing to run for the congressional seat of retiring Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Beverly Hills).

For centuries, we Americans have sought easier ways to kill our convicts. Lethal injection had been the gold standard for sending toughs to oblivion. But amid a sudden spate of botched shots and poison shortages, what are we to do? Let's go back to guns, gas and zap juice!

Godspeed, Senator. Huggies from all the staff here. You're gonna have to press a lot of flesh, but we all believe in your quest to pamper the hard-working citizens of Louisiana. Oh and don't forget to stay away from hookers.

College is a time for exposure to different cultures, tastes, points of view. It's a great opportunity to put yourself in another's shoes. Let's go back to college now, and try to understand where Arizona State's Tau Kappa Epsilon chapter was coming from when it threw this "MLK Black Party."

Texting and driving is a really bad idea. But some people need to learn that lesson firsthand in order to fully comprehend it.

Call Israelis "the strongest democrats in the Middle East." Call them complex and fractious. Call them militarized tools with racist streaks who expand their territory at the expense of peoples they consider inferior. Only don't call them Nazis, because they will totally throw you in jail!

Michael Scheuer has long been a grenade-tosser, from his days as a CIA officer to his anonymous 2004 broadside against the war on terror, "Imperial Hubris." Now, the Georgetown instructor has fine-tuned his argument: Barack Obama and U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron are legitimate targets for assassination.

Sick burn, dude.

Police in Chicago say a Minnesota man was pronounced dead after attempting to retrieve his cellphone from the iced-over waters of the Chicago River just after midnight on Monday.

Last week, Guardian writer Emma Keller took on a cancer sufferer tweeting about her illness. Not content to give her the last word, her husband, former New York Times editor-in-chief Bill Keller is ready to examine the patient. Nurse, pass the twittiest scalpel you've got.

A man who arrived at his local hospital complaining of stomach pains was found to have a bottle lodged deep inside his abdomen and no memory of how it got up there.

All Gregory Beck wanted to do was honor the 26 victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre the best way he knew how: by giving out ammunition to the gun-nuts he knew for 26 days straight. But you people can't tolerate a sense of humor in a school board member, can you?

In a development that can only be described as shocking as well as startling, a proposed Noah's Ark Theme Park in Kentucky is having some financing problems. Do we have an investment idea for you!

"To make us love our country, our country ought to be lovely," Edmund Burke wrote. Easy for him to say: He was English. Who doesn't love being ruled by a patrilineal order of puffy gilded-crowned pure-breeds? Americans, that's who. But dammit, this anti-monarchism is just killing us, according to Politico Magazine.

The bros at "stunt comedy troupe" Children of Poseidon say their latest "prank" is a "foolproof trick" to getting "free" McDonald's food from the drive thru every time.

A South Carolina man who was unwilling to walk his father's dog because it was raining outside thought he had come up with an acceptable solution: Using the dog's leash to dangle it from his second-story balcony.

Florida's Republican House speaker-to-be is tweeting the many holiday blessings his ilk has given the Sunshine State, including the ability to gun anyone down at will. As one reporter responded: "In the run up to Xmas, FL gave to me: politicians pandering paranoia. Happy Bday, Jesus, U have no duty 2 retreat."

Shia LaBeouf proudly made his 2012 directorial debut HowardCantour.com available to the masses yesterday through Vimeo.com. And it took those masses just a few short hours to figure out that the entire thing had been shamelessly plagiarized.

Over the weekend, former Disney superstar Dylan Sprouse changed his Twitter bio to include his latest vocation: "n00d pic dealer."

It's Monday again, so here's a video that perfectly illustrates the rest of the work week.