Meet Creeper and Wino, two "homies" learning to hold AK-47s like OGs and trying to take the piss out of Bashar Al-Assad's "enemigos" in the middle of Syria's civil war.

Pro tip: When opening your university's new art museum, don't pull an exhibition drawing attention to a famous donor's racist tendencies because it's "not aligned with the celebratory atmosphere." It's not supposed to be a celebration of your being a censoring a-hole.

A popular Japanese beach near the U.S. Naval Base in Yokosuka has banned beachgoers with large "scary" tattoos. Which, if by scary you mean awful, is most sailors and Marines and Guy Fieri.

An allegedly inebriated widow from a sleepy section of Florida's West Coast was arrested last Friday after calling 911 twice in search of a cop to do "extra duty" for her, then rubbing an officer who was dispatched to her house while telling him: "I am so horny."

Two Upstate New York men were booked on misdemeanor sexual misconduct charges last Friday after a suspicious local farmer claimed to have caught them on video trying to engage in intercourse with his dairy cows.

A tea party primary challenger to Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kansas) is "truly sorry" he habitually posted x-rays of cadavers from his work as a doctor with sarcastic comments. "What kind of gun blows someone's head completely off?" he'd joked of one body. "I gotta get me one of those."

A "network of conservative religious groups" is pushing new "Jim Crow-style" legislation like Kansas' in at least nine other states—legislation that would make it permanently legal to discriminate against gays and lesbians. Jesus, America, you can be such a dick sometimes.

A woman who teaches at a South Florida public charter school has been arrested for forcing one of her 10-year-old students to clean out a dirty urinal with his bare hands.

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott, Wendy Davis' Republican opponent in the Lone Star State's gubernatorial race, is campaigning with Ted "Obama is a subhuman mongrel" Nugent. So, yeah: Go Wendy Davis, go.

You had one job, Wisconsin National Guard funeral pallbearers, and it didn't involve you posing all gangsta-like with the casket.

If your religion is apeshit racist ring-wingnut douchery with a side of tabloid pablum, WorldNetDaily is your online Jerusalem, pilgrim. Be sure to bring it a big offering, though: Google is blocking ads from popping up on the site over its obsession with "black mobs."

It's one thing to tack to the center to win election in a bitterly partisan state. It's another thing to give up the ghost on the very issue that vaunted you to electoral recognizability in the first place. Wendy Davis, onetime progressive Texas hero, appears to be diving headlong into that latter group.

Frank Taaffe is George Zimmerman's best friend, who feverishly worked the networks during Zimmerman's murder trial to paint his victim, Trayvon Martin, as a black thug. Frank Taaffe is a white supremacist. And CNN's sister network still loves loves loves bringing Frank Taaffe on to talk about dead black boys.

Have you heard of "gun nullification"? It's all the rage. Seriously, so hot. It's especially popular in these Southern states who've used nullification before to tell the federales to butt the hell out of their business. Back then, nullification protected slavery and Jim Crow. Now, it protects your Smith & Wesson.

Why do Olympic "skaters keep on skating to Schindler's List"? asks Slate's Justin Peters. Because no matter the enormity of the evil perpetrated in the Holocaust, Spielberg can top it in salty schmaltz and drippy kitsch, Justin. And schmaltz-lovers know their own. Obvs.

This past December, Skimbles the cat sat perched on his owner's table, just yawning and doing cat things, when something caught his eye by the window. Skimbles thought about it and then leapt, making it... about two inches before crashing to the ground. Better luck next time, Skimbles.

Evangelical conservative radio personality Bryan J. Fischer is a batshit sound-bite machine for the Lord. And he would like you to know how much he loves black men, even if you can't compute that in your "black heart."

Pat Roberts leads a pretty quiet life in the Senate. The senior Kansas Republican has been in the upper chamber since 1997, though most people would be hard-pressed to pick him out of a crowd. It might prove challenging for residents of Kansas, too, since he doesn't even have a house there.

She is a beacon to liberals, a down-home Texas mom with a Harvard law degree who stood up to conservatives for women's rights. As the Democrats' best hope for governor, she's fighting to turn the Lone Star State blue. Oh, and she gol'-damn loves her some openly brandished hand cannons.

The Republican National Committee today excitedly announced the launch of a new startup lab to bring techies and creatives together, Silicon Valley-style, to get Republicans elected. Oh, and they named it for a Nazi gun, a type of ammo, and a philosophy that puts war before peace.